- |01/07/2008 08:18 pm
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
 | Confused heart...Restless mind...
I'm not quite sure what I really want this blog to be about but I just felt like I needed to write and maybe vent or something.
I know some of my friends are going through some pretty rough times and I wish there was something I could do but I'm also going through a lot of crap in my own life right now too so that makes it hard for me to even think about trying to help anyone else. I do love you all, and believe it or not you are always on my mind, no matter what hell I'm going through I'm still here for all of you and I want every single one of my friends to know that. Each and everyone one of you are so great in your own way and I wouldn't trade our friendship for the world because you all make me feel truly blessed.
I've got a birthday coming up next month and I've decided that regardless of the current debt that I'm in I need to take some time for myself for a change and do something I really want to do. I'm taking my mom and we're going to go play around in Los Angeles and Hollywood for a week, take in the sites and maybe if I'm lucky I can get a tattoo for my birthday by Kat Von D (that would be so wicked!). I know mom needs a vacation too so that's why I'm bringing her and I don't really want to go by myself plus it'll be good bonding time. She's my best friend in the whole world and my rock. Without her I'd probably be dead by now, morbid thought I know but very true none the less. |
curious
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
| Confused heart...Restless mind...Part 2
So I know I just wrote a blog last night but still feeling like I have more inside me that needs to come out in some way and this seems to be the best and most convenient option. I'm not really sure what I want to say so this may jump around a lot between subjects and what not. I feel so emotionally drained but yet there's just sooooo much bottled up still. I could cry every night but it still wouldn't release all the pain and stress. I'm not really sure how to put some of this into words and some things I'm not sure I really want everyone that reads my blogs to know but I'm going to try to just let as much out as I possibly can and just not care what others may have to say about it. I know in other blogs I've said that I don't like to let all my friends know about all my problems and short comings and flaws but if I can't count on my friends to be honest with me then what kind of friend am I for not being completely honest with them. Truthfully I guess I'm kind of ashamed about some of my problems even though there's not much I can really do about some of them, I was born that way and I just got what my parents and God gave me. Yes I have Type 2 bi-polar disorder, I got that from my dad and he had Type 1 bi-polar disorder (I still think there's more wrong with me than just that but nothing has been confirmed yet)…what that means is I get depressed a whole lot more and I still have times when I go manic but those episodes don't last more than a day…that also means my dad was manic more often and so living with him in those episodes when I was a teenager was very, very hard for me because it pushed me further into depression and I felt the need to cut myself, drink, or attempt suicide. I also turned to sex more then too because it made me feel more loved and wanted and needed. So to sum it up in junior high and high school I was a depressed slut with an alcohol problem and a cutter. Most don't really know that about me, and even my closest friends didn't know all of it at the time either. As of now I'm pretty much sober and continuing to stay that way, I rarely have sex anymore and haven't felt the need for it like I used to, I had stopped cutting myself for a very long time but after my dad died things got pretty bad for me and I went back to cutting again. The only thing I'm proud of is that I was able to quit drinking and smoking on my own and that I have been able to continue to control my drinking, but I have to be honest I miss the sex a little but I've grown up and realized it's just not as good without love and so I will continue to go without it until I find someone I can be in a real relationship with. Now for the harder part, putting into words some of the other things I'm feeling or dealing with. I'm lonely. I know I have friends but most live at least 2 hours away and all have busy lives and not much time for me, but that's not really the loneliness I'm talking about. I miss being in love and being loved by a man. I've tried dating so many times but as I've said before most relationships haven't lasted but maybe 3 months if that. Maybe that's mostly my fault but I'm not sure since I'm usually the one that gets dumped and then finds out the ex is in a new relationship less than 3 weeks later. I am still friends with some of my exs. I still have deep feelings for another one but he doesn't have those feelings for me and most likely never will. I've tried putting those feelings behind me but that's one heartbreak that hasn't ever healed and I'm not sure ever really will. I had thought once maybe he was my soul mate but I'm not really sure what to think anymore. I don't know if I believe there really is a soul mate out there for me. And if there was then wouldn't he feel that deep longing in his heart to be with me too? Maybe I'm just too messed up and have too many problems to have a soul mate. Maybe that's not in God's plan for me. Or I guess maybe I just haven't met him yet. It just really sucks. I'm the only one of my girlfriends that hasn't been married yet, at least once. Always a bridesmaid and never the bride. Maybe that's the way it's meant to be for me but I don't feel like it's fair. |
confused
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
| L.A., Hollywood, and Beverly Hills...
Hey all I got back from my birthday vacation on sunday. Boy am I glad to be back home!!! We had a decent time but the only stars I saw were in the sidewalks on Hollywood Blvd. Walk of Fame.
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lazy