- |01/11/2010 02:10 pm
Monday, June 01, 2009
I really don't know what to title this, just read at your own risk I guess...
Current mood: blah
Category: Life
So I still don’t understand why it is that people fucking expect me to just get in a happy mood like I can just flip a fucking switch??? I mean really, everyone that knows me knows about me being bi-polar and that it's just not that easy for me especially with a lot of the shit I’ve been through in my life. I just get really sick of it, just because some people can be happy all the time even when bad things happen doesn't mean I can. Yeah I have my good days but sometimes that's a rare thing.
I've been in a real funk off and on lately, somewhere between feeling lost, confused, unwanted, and depressed. I think I really need a break from my life. Everything has been so screwed up lately that sometimes I don't know what end is up anymore or what's going on with who and when and why. Everything is becoming a blur, one big mess and I don't know what to do anymore. I like being single because I like having my space, alone time, and sleeping in my bed alone, but I hate it at the same time because I don't have someone to kiss and cuddle with and spend quality time with. I miss having a really passionate relationship, I need that fire and passion to make me feel wanted and needed.
I really miss some of my old life. I never knew how good my carefree life was back then but when things went down hill I lost all that. I'm not sure who I am anymore or what I want in my life or what I want to do with my life. I do know that I'm very lonely. Yes I tend to complain about this quite a bit anymore but I am still lonely and single. I know I have my family and I have a few select friends I can count on to be there when I need someone to talk to. But there's other friends that just aren't there for me anymore unless they need something or someone to listen to them vent or whine.
The loneliness just keeps building up inside of me and it's so heavy in my heart now. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I've dealt with so many assholes in my life that sometimes it's hard for me to trust men. Plus that has made me so picky when it comes to men too that I just can't settle for less than what I want and what I feel is perfect for me.
Okay, okay I’m just going to shut up and end this. I’m sure those of you that actually read these blogs are pretty sick of hearing the same thing over and over even if I say it different every single time.
Take care everyone! God bless!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Recap and Update blog...
Current mood: frustrated
Category: Life
Well I kinda thought I’d write a recap and update blog…So here goes...
Starting with the bigger events that happened last year, March of last year our good friend Marvin passed away. He was our General Manager at the shop for a little while but he was a friend of the family for several years, basically like an uncle to me. He’s been truly missed by all of us. After he passed away we finally gave up the fight to keep the shop going and closed down for good. Because the shop had done so poorly there was a lot of debt and my mom lost all of her retirement fund in the business with no hope to ever get it back. That’s the end of the recap.
Now on to the update part... My parents had to file bankruptcy last year, this took over 6 months but most of it is finally over and finalized. With the exception of the business loan which had $40,000 attached to our house as part of the collateral in like a 2nd mortgage. They were granted a “stay” from the bankruptcy (which we think is just pure bullshit, but anyway). They think they’re actually 1st mortgage due to some clerical error at the deeds office I guess (I don’t completely understand exactly how it happened but it happened). So because of this, since the business loan bank wants all of their money paid back they’ve started foreclosure proceedings, which in turn has made what should be our 1st mortgage bank prepare to do the same. So you can imagine how the stress levels are around here, in fact Monte has had the shingles for over a couple weeks now or so and has been in a lot of pain because of all this crap that’s been going on here. But with that said we still thought we had some options that turned out to be lies told by my stepdad’s brother, saying they (he and his wife) could help us with a home loan or that their sister said she could help out on buying a house for us. So in thinking that, we started preparing to pack things up so we’d be ready to move out when we found a house that they could buy. Well the getting our hopes up was a waste of time in looking at homes, but the packing up and going through things is still something that will need to be done because we’re most likely going to lose the house anyway. Mom and Monte are going to the home loan bank (the one that’s supposed to be our 1st mortgage that we have escrow through) in the morning to see about this new Home Affordable Modification Loan the government has got going on and see if there’s any possible way we can still try to save the house. Maybe this way if we can save it from foreclosure we can eventually sell it on our own and get another home in Topeka so the drive isn’t so far for everyone to get things they need even like just getting groceries.
So I ask all of you who read this, please say a prayer for us and keep your fingers crossed that something works out and we don’t end up homeless! Also remember to never take anything for granted, you never know when something might happen and take it all away.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Just another update...
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life
Okay just to update a bit again…
Monte had the shingles for like 2 months, during that time he fell and cracked the back of his head open and had to get 12 staples in it. It looked like a smiley face on the back of his head, I told him we should call him Frankenstein now. 3 weeks later he had a stroke (Sept. 12th) that affected his whole right side and was in the hospital for a week. The head wound healed fine. After all that and the bank foreclosing our house was extremely stress filled. So far Monte’s gotten pretty much all his speech and right side facial movement and quite a bit of the movement in his right leg back but his right arm is the slowest and we’re not sure how much he’ll get back on it. He was going to physical therapy 3 times a week so that helped out a lot. Thank God my Grandmother was able to get a home loan for us so we were able to get a new house. After that got done Monte’s social security disability was approved and we got his back-pay so that has helped out tremendously and makes it so much easier to get things done now. We’re back in Topeka again, less to drive to get to places and to get groceries. It’s been a hard move but we’re finally pretty much done with it all. Still unpacking and putting things away and figuring out what should go where now but it’s coming along pretty well. There are still things at the old house that need to be moved over but it’s mostly the small unimportant stuff now, and lots of things just need to be trashed. Soon Monte will need to start his physical therapy up again; his movement is kinda backpedaling after being off it for 3 weeks now.
Now as for me, well the move had been hard on me physically. I’ve had bruises all over my legs and arms from heavy boxes and things. My back, neck, shoulders and hip has been out of whack for a few weeks now with all the heavy lifting. I think my hip finally worked itself back in place though but lower back is still a little sore and so is my neck and shoulders. But I guess I can say it’s been worth the pain because now I have triple the space that I used to have in the old house so it’s like having an apartment down in the basement. Sure it’s kinda chilly because there are only 2 vents down here and they’re not in my bedroom or living room area but that’s what space heaters were made for. I love all this room and privacy, it’s awesome!!! I was able to arrange everything down here just the way I wanted it so it’s very cozy for me. I do feel a little bad because Grandma’s room is so much smaller than the old house was and same with Mom and Monte’s so they had to downsize a lot to make it work but they still have everything they need and want so it worked out in the end. I had started to date someone on my birthday weekend (which was Nov 15th) and I thought things were going great between us, sure it was tough because he lives in another city and works night shift and was going through a divorce and has a daughter. But that was short lived because he’s going to try to work things out with his wife now (which won’t actually happen but I won’t get into that) and so we’re back to just being friends. So as usual my love life still sucks or is non-existent. So I’m back to giving up on dating and on men (no that doesn’t mean I want women instead) at least for a while until things calm back down in my life again then I may rethink it.
Well I think that’s all I have to report for the time being. I’m looking forward to Christmas weekend and New Years Eve! Also can’t wait to see what 2010 will bring for me, hopefully lots and lots of good things!!! Take care everyone and God bless!