Goodbye to the cruel world...

• |06/18/2006 12:49 pm

I received a visit on Wednesday, May 31st from the Police Chaplin. He informed me that my father passed away. The neighbors hadn't seen him around for a few days at least so they called the police on Sunday, May 28th to have someone check up on him. The police found him dead in his home that Sunday. I have been going through a ton of mixed emotions in the last few days now. My father and I weren't on speaking terms and hadn't been for a few years and the problems ran further back than that. It was hard to hear the news at first but I think I took it fairly well, it was very hard to walk into his house the first time and see that he still kept all the pictures of me displayed on his table where he could look at me every day. I guess he really did love me in his own fucked up way. I feel bad for having hated him for so long but I know he's not in pain anymore and that's what really gets me through all this, plus knowing that whatever I get out of his possessions will allow me to better my life and others. I've been very busy the last few days with making calls, canceling accounts, boxing up his belongings, moving stuff, cleaning things up so I can get the house somewhat ready to sell when the time comes. I always thought I'd be older than 31 when I had to deal with all this and bury a parent. He was 61, a very heavy smoker, had lung problems due to smoking so long, heart problems, high blood pressure, diabetes, prostate problems, kidney problems, as well as bi-polar disorder. With all those problems and all that pain I'm sure he welcomed the death but I hate to think of how he suffered there alone, and possibly how long he was laying there before he died or if it was quick, and how long was he actually dead before the police found him. I truly hope I never go that way but I'm definitely going to make sure I have my burial plot and arrangements paid for as well as keeping a current living will. Things like this really make you realize anything can happen at any time and you should always try to be prepared so you're loved ones that are left behind don't have to go through the stress like I have been doing.

Puppies are 2 months old.

Still have 3 puppies available.

All of Peyton's puppies 

I'm a proud Grandma!

Peyton, my long haired Rottweiler started labor this morning around 1:10am. She had the 1st baby, a girl, at 1:25am, the 2nd baby, a girl, at 2:14am, the 3rd baby, a girl, at 3:18am, the 4th baby, yet another girl, at 6:07am, and lastly the 5th baby, a boy, at 8:45am. They are all so cute and she did very well giving birth and cleaning them all up. Puppy #4 has been spoken for by my friends Susan and Jon. The other's will have to be chosen later.

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A	Adventurous
L	Loving
E	Entertaining
R	Respectable
I	Inspirational
E	Explosive

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Yep, you guessed right...I'm bored again.

Was feeling hurt and poetic last night...

I'm a figment of you imagination Burned into your mind I try to surface again Denied every time I push my way past the pain Bounce around inside your brain Once you think your life's on track I'll return once again You'll never get rid of me I am your memories ----------------------------------------------- Love me now Love me true Break my trust I'm through with you In this hour With all my power I drink away the pain Hearts are broken Lives are ruined Nothing will be the same ----------------------------------------------- Alone again Here comes the pain trapped inside The walls closing in Ignore the voices inside my head Whispering to me "try again" ----------------------------------------------- Blasts from the past Visions of the future Never miss a thing Close your eyes one more time You'll see me once again Was never lost Just pushed aside Locked away inside your mind Can never wash away the pain Just build the walls again ----------------------------------------------- Wherever you go I'll be watching you Stalking your dreams at night Watching your every move Haunting you like a ghost Buried inside your heart The love you have for me

It's been a while...

Well let's see... Not sure where to start really. I started seeing David a few weeks ago and it started to develop kinda fast but it's at a level spot now and seems to be going well. I'm hoping it works out, he's a great guy. We have some of the same quirks which is one thing that draws us closer I guess. We are both people that are hard on ourselves and not the greatest self esteem. Neither of us has completely experienced each others bad sides yet but eventually that will happen and we'll see if we can both handle those times. Bob (my dad) has been a major pain in my family's ass and it doesn't look like it's gonna get better any time soon but his new psychiatrist seems to be more on top of things than his last one. She has assured me that if he appears to be harmful to himself or others after he begins his more intense treatment that he can be committed against his will. Now that's a big weight lifted off our shoulders. The last thing we need is another repeat of him wanting to kill his whole family. Not really sure what else to talk about. Oh my friend Susan's boyfriend is finally home from Iraq and things are going great for them. My best friend Autumn had her baby boy on the 18th, 7lbs. 13ozs. 20 3/4" long and they named him Sheamus Michael so we'll call him Shea. He is so adorable. I also got a shocking message from Eddie. I hadn't heard from him since I broke things off back in May. It was kinda weird talking to him especially since he wants me back. I let him know that I'm in a good relationship with David but I would like to remain friends with him.

Hmmm...To update for the last week...

Well let's see... Sunday 29th: Stayed at Autumn's again, nothing too exciting happened. We went for a mile walk. Monday 30th: Went to my meds Dr. appointment. He upped my meds again to see if this helps more, if this doesn't we may try adding another type of anti-depressant to what I'm already taking. Tuesday 31st: Nothing eventful this day. Wednesday 1st: Nothing eventful this day either. Thursday 2nd: Mowed the yard (yippee), went to dinner with my friend David, then went to Chasers and hung out with my normal friends there but a few weren't there. Friday 3rd: Went to the annual MDA carshow at Fairlawn Plaza, David came out and hung out with me for a while then we went to Chasers and played a few games of pool which I won 3 games to 2. heehee Saturday 4th: Didn't do much at all, felt like shit with sinus headache and really bad stiff neck. Chatted with David most of the day/night along with a few other friends. Sunday 5th: Started out crappy with a sinus headache and stiff neck again, took a hot bath and relaxed a bit. David came out and we talked and just hungout, he stopped and got me some gummy savers since I told him I was craving them the last couple days. And now for today. Didn't really do anything, watched TV, chatted with friends, David was going to come over and we were going to go shopping since there was some stuff I needed to get but he got paged into work to fix some problem. Just been watching TV since then.

Some Poetry...

Somewhere In My Broken Heart 

You made up your mind 

It was time it was over 

I would not have chosen the road you have taken 

It has left us miles apart 

But I think I can still find the will to go on 

Somewhere in my broken heart 

So I'll go ahead and try to keep my love unspoken 

Until you find out who you are 

I hope that in time you'll find what you long for 

A love that's written in the stars 

And when you do I hope you'll see 

It's somewhere in my broken heart 

Forever Yours 

I've been waiting so long 

You said you love me till the end of time 

I miss that sweet smile 

That sweet caress 

I need you back now 

I need to be held tight in your arms again 

Why did you leave me 

I guess it's all been said and done 

Honey let me show you 

Baby you're the one 

I'll be forever yours 

You've gotta believe me 

Try to stick it out baby 

I'm hoping and praying 

Haven't I made it clear 

Can't you hear what I'm saying 

Won't you give me one more chance 

I wanna be your baby 

And be forever yours 

My heart begs to be free 

My heart begs to be free 

Free of the pain and misery 

Free of the heartbreak and despair 

Because there's nothing that compares 

To the love we could share 

My heart begs to be free 

Free from the loneliness it feels 

Free from its want to reveal 

Exactly how you make it feel 

My heart begs to be free 

Free of the uncontrollable fear 

Free of the untamed desire to want you near 

Because there is nothing I want more 

Than to show you what love is for 

My heart begs to be free 

Free from the depressed life it leads 

Free from the wounds it conceals 

From past loves lost 

Free my heart

Hmmmmmmmmmm...

Well it's been almost a week since I've wrote on here. So to update things... Umm well Monday night I stayed with Autumn again, we did our mile & 1/2 walk like we have been doing since I've been staying over there lately. Tuesday and Wednesday I didn't have to go over there because her husband is off work those days. Thursday I went and played pool at Chasers with Scott, it was pretty dead, we played for like 1 1/2 hrs. Then I went over to Autumn's again and we walked a mile. Didn't do much else. Friday I pretty much just sat around and chatted, then mowed the 1/2 of the yard mom didn't get mowed since we knew it was gonna storm. And today I've been lazy, Peyton woke me up at 8 to go outside and I went to bed and got back up at 10. Welp I'm gonna go make some coffee and wake up some more.

It's Sunday...bleh...

Well not much to report again. Was at Autumn's most of yesterday afternoon and all night, just got home around 11:30 am. We went for a long walk last night since she's trying to get the baby to come soon. I'll be going over there again tonight probably 8:ish since Brent's working tonight. Then he'll be home Tuesday and Wednesday so she won't need me there. Not much else going on in my life right now than that. I borrowed like 10-15 CD's from her so I can copy them to my computer which is what I'll be doing today until I head back over to her place. Welp I'm gonna go eat some lunch and start working on those CD's.

Nothing new so far...

Well I haven't gotten a call from Autumn saying she's in labor yet so I guess things are going ok. I'll probably call her soon and see if she's gonna need me there today or tonight since I'm not sure what Brent's work schedule is. I kinda had some things to vent about but I'm not really sure it's worth it anymore. I just wish I would quit having dreams that involve certain people that are not part of my life anyone. It's getting on my nerves. I'm trying so hard to get my life back in order that I don't want things screwing it up anymore like they have been. Even though I'm working on getting my life back in order it's still more in order than most of the guys I know anymore and I find that rather sad. No new date or love interests to report, but then who'd wanna date someone like me.

And now back to your regularly schedule program...

Well let's see...Not much has happened lately really. My dad is still in the KC VA but I've been told he's doing much better. I'm keeping more in contact with my true friends. My bestfriend Autumn is due to have her baby any day now so I've been staying with her while her husband is at work so someone is always with her incase she goes into labor. I've made a couple more internet friends. I also ran into an old friend from back when I was with my ex-fiance Steven, I always called him my Joeybear, he's a DJ for V-100 (Joey Baggz). I ran into (Topeka) Scott last night at Chasers and we cleared the air about all that stuff in the past so everything is fine between us again. I was kinda shocked to see him there because I hadn't seen him there in over a month at least since I've been going back there but it was nice. Not much else is going on beside the normal stress I've been under lately. My disability was denied but with my lawyer I can appeal the decision. I'm just waiting until I can see my new Dr. next month so she can document everything and run the other tests I need done then I will file the appeal. I've been trying to exercise more so I'm slowly losing some weight. I go see my meds Dr. the 30th so we'll see if he up's my dosage again or decides to try another drug. Well I can't really think of anything else to write so I guess I'll post this now.

And now for the season finale of Days of My Life...

Things have really got to change before I go back to the almost suicidal way I was before I got some help and on medication. I'm sick of being in the middle of this square of bullshit, lies, and drama. What sucks is I wanted to be friends with all 4 parties involved but it's never gonna happen so I'm backing out of it all no matter who it hurts because it can't hurt them more than all of this has been hurting me. So as for Becca, Cole, Anthony, and Josh you all can kiss my ass because I'm sick of being used and lied to by all of you. Yes you're right I am a bitch and it's about time I fucking take a stand for myself instead of letting you all walk all over me and use my for your entertainment and the butt of all your jokes. I'm sure it's gonna be hard to find someone as nice and friendly and gullible as I am but you all can get over it and leave me the fuck alone. Becca as far as my camera goes you better make sure I get it back in one piece and still working one way or another or you'll be owing me $200 for it. I will continue to go to Chasers because I have at least 8 other friends out there to talk to and hang out with that I know don't take advantage of me because they have no way of doing it since they only see me one night a week. This will be my last blog for a long time because I'm staying away from everyone and everything that is harmful to me.

Don't know what to title this...

I've been in a real funk today, somewhere between feeling lost, confused, unwanted, and depressed. I know I have a few friends but most are too busy with their own lives. I have no life so I'm always around whenever they need me. This is my main outlet, the only time I get out of the house is Thursday nights when I go to Chasers or when I go get groceries or have a doctor's appointment. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm tired of always being lonely and well not getting any sex when I want/need it. I find myself just sitting around spacing out or thinking way too much about things or people I want and can't have. I just get so irritated so easily anymore and it's bad because I tend to snap and take it out on people and I feel like shit after I do it. I've been stuck in the middle of so much drama lately that it's hard to keep things straight. I wanna help all my friends but it's hard to just let things happen to them without giving them fair warning.
Well I guess I'll go space out or stress about more things now since I can't think of anything else to write about now.

Moral dilemmas...

Well it seems that I'm beginning to have some moral dilemmas. Lately I've notice that most of the guys that are attracted to me either have a girlfriend or are married or just want a one night stand. Not that I mind good sex but I don't wanna be a home wrecker or the cause of someone splitting up or just being used for one night. I'd swear off guys but my friends and I all know I can never do that for more than a week. I know I'm not all that but I'm kind, caring, sweet, some say I'm cute, and I've heard that I'm quite good at the things I do. I guess my main gripe is that I'd like single guys to be interested in more than one night stands even if it's just a friends with benefits thing. It's not that I'm not flattered that married guys find me intriguing, exciting, mysterious, or whatever but I'd prefer single guys. I dunno what to do anymore so I guess I'll just take it one day at a time like everyone else and whatever happens, happens and it'll just be a learning experience.

Uhhh...Umm...

Well last night was also fairly interesting. Josh didn't show up for league. Guess he didn't wanna get his ass chewed out by me. LOL! I had quite a few guys staring at me last night. I guess black clothing that's fairly revealing is a good look on me. LMAO! I had fun playing pool with my friends out at Chasers though. I also came to the conclusion that I no longer want anything to do with Josh and he can kiss my white ass because I couldn't care less about him anymore. Ben also stood me up last night and that's not like him, he usually at least calls to let me know if he's gonna be late or not make it. I suppose with work he could have forgotten about it but it's still not normal so I hope everything is ok.
Well I'm gonna end this and go take a nice relaxing hot bath.

Hmm...Very interesting...

Well so far today has been fairly interesting.  I got to talk to Anthony which I haven't done too much since he moved to Salina.  We got to talk about quite a few things.  After that I did my exercises and then took a bath.  I think tonight will be even more interesting once I talk to Josh at Chasers and confront him about certain things that are really starting to bug me.  So there will be more to report after that I'm sure.  Not real sure how it's going to go but at least I know I'm gonna be the one that's completely and even bluntly honest.  He'll probably think I'm a really big bitch afterwards but that's ok cuz I'm not worried about it anymore.
 
Becca's in Iowa with Cole until Sunday, I'm pretty sure we all know what's gonna happen there since she's still so in love with him that she's thinking about moving there to be with him which in turn is really going to hurt Anthony a lot.  And ya know what, after some of the lies Becca's been telling me about things lately I'm gonna be on Anthony's side because after all he is my friend, Becca's family and she can get over it.
 
Wooohooo!  I just talked to Ben and he's gonna meet me out at Chasers tonight so I'll have someone else to hang with.  I really miss hanging out with him and sometimes I wish things would have worked out between us but I guess that wasn't in God's plan.  He thinks I shouldn't even waist my time on Josh but I told him I just can't help it, I'm really tired of rarely getting any sex and I'm the kind of person who needs it a lot.  LOL
 
Ok well I'm gonna go dry my hair now and style it somehow, it's gonna be different since Autumn trimmed it and added more layers.

Hmm, gripe time again...

Ya know sometimes I REALLY hate being me.  People tell me things I don't wanna know and I have to keep secret anyway.  Then there's people that stab me in the back while stabbing my friends in the back too.  Then there's all the ones that cheat and I know what's up but I'm supposed to keep it hush hush or not let them know that I actually know.  Then my own fucked up situations I keep getting myself into.  And all that on top of the whole dad situation. 
Then the Josh thing, I think I'll be talking to him again Thursday only this time I actually think I'll take him outside to talk so no one can interfere.  I think there's still something wrong because he called Becca Saturday and told her they were bowling and I assume asked her to come out there, now her boyfriend Anthony who is Josh's good friend lives in Salina now, anyway during the phone call she told him she was at a family thing and he must have asked about me cuz she said I was sitting right next to her.  Well we left the dinner early cuz she said she had a headache plus wanted to go shopping.  So we went shopping and then she asked if it was ok if she just took me home cuz her head was hurting and she wanted to go to bed.  But I talked to Nate who was out there at the bowling alley and he said she was out there, so she dropped me off  at home which is out south of Topeka then drove clear up north to go watch them play even though she had a "migrane".  That makes no sense to me and makes me wonder what the fuck is really going on between her and Josh.  I personally wanted to go to the bowling alley cuz she said Josh said Nate was there and I haven't talked to him in a while so I wanted to catch up on things and inform him about what was going on about my dad. 
Man I really need a vacation away from everyone and everything.  Too much drama and too much stress, it's no wonder I've gone nuts.   

Stay tuned, there will probably be a big update either Tuesday or Thursday depending on how the day/days go.