Fed up, Stressed out, Depressed...

• |10/23/2006 01:17 pm

Ok I need to release some of this pain and stress on to you unknowing, and probably unwilling victims but I hope you can all forgive me because I just can't handle this all on my own anymore. OK so to update, my father passed away May 28th of this year, I'm finally just now getting the final death certificates but they won't be ready for me to pick them up until Wednesday. The coroner took for fucking ever determining the final cause of death. So to top that off since my father didn't have a will I will have to find a lawyer so I can sell my dad's house. The bad part of that is I don't have a job or any money to pay a lawyer up front so that means I have to try to find one that will work for me and wait to get paid out of the proceeds of selling the house. I'm tired of being stuck in this hell, I just want it all to go away so I can try to get past it and maybe live a semi-normal life again. I'm tired of crying for no real apparent reason, just because something on TV or the radio reminds me of something about my dad or what I won't have when the time comes that I actually get married. I'm tired of not being able to sleep much anymore at night. I'm tired of being stressed out. I'm tired of getting taken advantage of by my friends who can't seem to understand that I have a lot of shit to deal with already and the fact that I allowed them to move into my father's home before I officially sold it to them doesn't seem to register with them because they continued to be late with the rent and with the cell phone bill payments and now on top of that they've been using ALL my minutes so if I try to use the phone there will be overage charges which they're already accruing because they can't seem to grasp the reality that they use the phone too damn much at the wrong times of the day. I know I'm to blame for some of this because I was stupid enough to allow myself to put them on my account and all that, but DAMN how hard is it to wait to use the phone until 9pm or till the weekend or to only use it for very important phone calls that shouldn't last more than 15 minutes each or so?!??! You'd think after I bitched about it twice that they'd get it through their heads but apparently not. I can't take this anymore, I feel like I just want someone to shoot me in the head and put me out of my misery. I need a nice long vacation away from everyone and everything here. I think I've dealt with enough pain and suffering in my life already I really don't want to ever have to deal with anymore until I'm 90 years old, if I can even make it to that age. I've already had cancer, I've dealt with losing 3 grandparents and 2 stepgrandparents so I have one grandma who lives with us left, I've dealt with losing 2 friends, 2 aunts, 2 uncles, 3 cousins, I've dealt with losing people I was close to that were family members of people I was in relationships with, and losing my own father. To me I think that's enough, in fact I think it's way too much.

It's been 6 years...

• |10/15/2006 12:10 pm

Well Friday the 13th was 6 years to the exact day that I was in the hospital having my hysterectomy to get rid of the cervical and uteran cancer I had. I think it was a bit harder for me this time around because it was Friday the 13th when I had it done but also because my friend Lily is pregnant now too and it just makes me remember what was ripped away from me. I'm not saying that I really want kids now, I dealt with that when I had to make the decision to have the hysterectomy or take my chances not knowing how long I may have had and how fast the cancer was growing. I think it's just hard I guess because I always wanted to be pregnant and have my own child or help a family who wanted a child and couldn't have one themselves but God had other plans for me. I am glad I don't have any kids right now and I'm happy I can't get pregnant but at times there's still that desire in the back of my mind. I know it's harder because I've had to deal with so much grief and stress this year already but I'll survive and work through it and eventually I'll be ok.

Take care everyone! And remember, never take life for granted because you never know when something can happen that will totally change or rearrange your life.

Thing you may want or need to know about me.....

• |09/11/2006 11:45 am

Ok I figured I'd share some more things about me that some people know already but others may need to know or want to know.

For starters as you may have already guessed, I'm no virgin and haven't been since I was 14 years old.

I have been pregnant once my senior year in high school, but I had a miscarriage when I was only about 2 months along.

I've been raped twice when I was a teenager, once when I was 15 and the other when I was 18.

I've been engaged to 3 people in my lifetime so far and never married.

In March of 2000 I found out I had cervical cancer and possibly uteran cancer. In mid March I had a procedure done called a conization to remove a cone shaped section of my cervix in hopes that it would remove all the cancerous cells. After I had healed from that they tested me again and there were still more cancer cells and it was moving up into my uterus. On Friday, October 13th of 2000 I had a hysterectomy to remove the rest of my cervix and my uterus. I am cancer free so far to this day thank God! I can no longer have children though but I do still have my ovaries so I'm not on hormone replacements yet. I find it a good thing now though that I can't have children because I just don't want to have any.

I have gone through a lot of rough things in my life. For the first 18 years of my life I was treated like shit by my father because he only wanted a son. I suffered a lot of mental and verbal abuse from him and some physical abuse. At age 15 I learned that I am manic-depressive which is something I got from him. A few years ago I also learned I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder due to all the stuff I had to deal with growing up with him since he was also manic-depressive and abusive. It wasn't until I was about 23 when he actually told me he loved me and was sorry for all the hell he put me and my mother through and asked for my forgiveness. As you may have read in my previous blog he passed about 3 1/2 months ago. Even though he was a cause of so much pain in my life I still loved him and it hurts knowing he's gone and I never got to tell him that I forgive him for it all before he died.

I've also gone through bankruptcy about 3 years ago and had my truck repo'd shortly before that, so my credit is shitty and I don't have my own transportation anymore.

Well that should be enough sharing for now and enough to scare off the those that can't handle such things. Take care everyone!!!

What's up......

• |08/31/2006 09:46 pm

Well let's see, not much to update. I'm doing ok now, still trying to get my life in order. Luckily I'm still able to be living with my mom and things have settled down for the most part. I'm still waiting on my dad's death certificate so I can get the rest of his stuff settled and sell the house. This has been a lot of stress on top of all the other stress in my life so it's taken a toll on me. I would love to be able to just take a nice long vacation somewhere, maybe to a beautiful island and just relax on the beach or something nice like that. I'll be 32 in about a couple months, hoping to go to Vegas with my mom for my birthday, we've got a deal for a free 2 night stay and flight, just gotta pay $100 for the taxes on it all. I just feel so lost all the time anymore. I'm not really sure what I want in a man or if I even want any type of relationship right now. I know I need to get my life in order and all that before I even think about a relationship. It's very hard not knowing what to do or where my life is going. I wish I had a way of just waving a magic wand and making my life better and everyone I'm friends with happy but as we all know it's not possible. Maybe someday if my website allows me to make money with the adult affiliate programs I'm signed up with I can take that dream vacation and help those friends out too. *shrugs* Welp I'm gonna end this now. I'll keep you all updated as much as I can.

More sadness and grief...

• |07/25/2006 08:53 pm

Today we buried my uncle. He was 49 years old. From what I've been told by my cousins and other family he probably passed away like my father. No one had heard from him for at least 5 days and when the police found his body in the home it was bloated and already out of rigor. They had to have a closed casket memorial ceremony. Since I didn't have a service for my father it really hit me hard today and my heart goes out to my cousins Aubrey and Sarah in their time of grief. I know what they are going through and I know what they will be facing in the months to come. But our fathers are both in a better place now, no longer suffering in physical or emotional pain and someday we'll see them again when it's our time to enter that beautiful place above. I may not have been that close to my uncle but I loved him still because he was my cousins father and a good man in his own way. He will be missed. It's hard to see them go through this, they're younger than me, Aubrey graduated from high school last year and is getting married August 26th, Sarah is going through college for nursing and still has a couple years left, so they both have so much more growing up to do. The hardest part is not knowing what happened and not being able to say goodbye before they passed away.

Another update...

• |07/15/2006 12:53 pm

Well things have calmed down for a bit so far. I was able to talk things out with my mom and I'm able to stay living with them for a while longer until things get settled with my father's death certificate, his house, and my back wages. Once that's all taken care of then I will move out and get another job.

Thank you to those friends who actually showed me they truly care about me and my well being during the last few weeks, I truly appreciate you all!

Welcome to my fucked up life...

• |07/04/2006 04:35 pm

Well here's an update for you all that give a shit...

As you all have probably read previously my father died just over a month ago. Well I've been very busy with all his shit from the house and stuff. My best friend Autumn and her boyfriend are going to rent to own the house from me. Just after this got decided and they started working on cleaning up the house so they can move in because they're about to get evicted from their apartment but things get worse for me. I am currently unemployed since I've been putting so much of my time into all this other stuff. So on Saturday when Autumn and I come back over after having my mom watch Autumn's son for 3 hours my step-dad decides it's time to show his true colors again and starts accusing me of shit that never happened because Ken said it did. So that started a big arguement which lead very quickly into a physical fight in which I won after bloodying his nose and knocking his new glasses off his face. Then he proceeds to tell me that I'm nothing but an ugly fatass white bitch who can't do anything for myself and I have nothing but white trash friends who use me and stab me in the back and all this other hurtful bullshit. The fight starts to wind down and he tells my mother she needs to start saying something to me and that she needs to kick me out. My mother responds by saying she can't choose between her daughter and her husband and don't make her do that cuz he'll lose. Well he keeps pushing it and she tells him fine the get the fuck out, just leave, I'm sick of it leave. Of course he doesn't think she's serious so he keeps on going, mean while Autumn and her son are outside and can hear every word that's being said. Finally I had enough after I calmed down a bit and just walked out the door because I needed to take Autumn home and stuff. So I came home late enough that night that everyone was asleep, took a couple sleeping pills and a 500mg aleeve. So Sunday I got up and around and went over to my dad's old house to start cleaning up more. I came home around 9:30ish and mom came in and told me I needed to find a place to live because she doesn't want to lose Monte. I informed her I thought it was really shitty of her to do this after already saying she'd never kick me out or choose him over me. I also told her she could do so much better if she'd divorce him and that Autumn even knows a great guy her age to set her up with. So didn't care, Monte's got her so broke down emotionally that she thinks she's ugly and can't do shit right and stuff like that, just the way my dad did to her until she divorced him. Well after mom and I's short conversation I called Autumn to tell her what happened and her and her boyfriend Shiloh told me to live with them and of course they'll still continue to pay me the rent and such and I don't have to contribute anything unless I want to after I get a job. So since I had gotten a storage unit for dad's stuff until I could have a sale I am now using it to store my stuff until the house is ready for us all to move in to. What really pisses me off is I had just dished out over $1300 in a month to pay their bills and other things but apparently none of that was good enough for Monte but I'm sure he's enjoying still having cable and internet and new shorts and shoes and food to eat and a cell phone and all that other nice stuff I paid for.

Well I think that's pretty much the jist of it all so far, as things progress or whatever I'll keep y'all updated when I can. It may be a little while until I have internet after I get moved though so if you have my cell # and are worried enough about me just give me a call. I'll be glad to hear from ya.

****HUGE HUGS TO ALL THOSE THAT TRULY CARE ABOUT ME****

Goodbye to the cruel world...

• |06/18/2006 12:49 pm

I received a visit on Wednesday, May 31st from the Police Chaplin. He informed me that my father passed away. The neighbors hadn't seen him around for a few days at least so they called the police on Sunday, May 28th to have someone check up on him. The police found him dead in his home that Sunday. I have been going through a ton of mixed emotions in the last few days now. My father and I weren't on speaking terms and hadn't been for a few years and the problems ran further back than that. It was hard to hear the news at first but I think I took it fairly well, it was very hard to walk into his house the first time and see that he still kept all the pictures of me displayed on his table where he could look at me every day. I guess he really did love me in his own fucked up way. I feel bad for having hated him for so long but I know he's not in pain anymore and that's what really gets me through all this, plus knowing that whatever I get out of his possessions will allow me to better my life and others. I've been very busy the last few days with making calls, canceling accounts, boxing up his belongings, moving stuff, cleaning things up so I can get the house somewhat ready to sell when the time comes. I always thought I'd be older than 31 when I had to deal with all this and bury a parent. He was 61, a very heavy smoker, had lung problems due to smoking so long, heart problems, high blood pressure, diabetes, prostate problems, kidney problems, as well as bi-polar disorder. With all those problems and all that pain I'm sure he welcomed the death but I hate to think of how he suffered there alone, and possibly how long he was laying there before he died or if it was quick, and how long was he actually dead before the police found him. I truly hope I never go that way but I'm definitely going to make sure I have my burial plot and arrangements paid for as well as keeping a current living will. Things like this really make you realize anything can happen at any time and you should always try to be prepared so you're loved ones that are left behind don't have to go through the stress like I have been doing.

Puppies are 2 months old.

Still have 3 puppies available.

All of Peyton's puppies 

I'm a proud Grandma!

Peyton, my long haired Rottweiler started labor this morning around 1:10am. She had the 1st baby, a girl, at 1:25am, the 2nd baby, a girl, at 2:14am, the 3rd baby, a girl, at 3:18am, the 4th baby, yet another girl, at 6:07am, and lastly the 5th baby, a boy, at 8:45am. They are all so cute and she did very well giving birth and cleaning them all up. Puppy #4 has been spoken for by my friends Susan and Jon. The other's will have to be chosen later.

Name Acronym Generator

V	Valiant
A	Adventurous
L	Loving
E	Entertaining
R	Respectable
I	Inspirational
E	Explosive

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Yep, you guessed right...I'm bored again.

Was feeling hurt and poetic last night...

I'm a figment of you imagination Burned into your mind I try to surface again Denied every time I push my way past the pain Bounce around inside your brain Once you think your life's on track I'll return once again You'll never get rid of me I am your memories ----------------------------------------------- Love me now Love me true Break my trust I'm through with you In this hour With all my power I drink away the pain Hearts are broken Lives are ruined Nothing will be the same ----------------------------------------------- Alone again Here comes the pain trapped inside The walls closing in Ignore the voices inside my head Whispering to me "try again" ----------------------------------------------- Blasts from the past Visions of the future Never miss a thing Close your eyes one more time You'll see me once again Was never lost Just pushed aside Locked away inside your mind Can never wash away the pain Just build the walls again ----------------------------------------------- Wherever you go I'll be watching you Stalking your dreams at night Watching your every move Haunting you like a ghost Buried inside your heart The love you have for me

It's been a while...

Well let's see... Not sure where to start really. I started seeing David a few weeks ago and it started to develop kinda fast but it's at a level spot now and seems to be going well. I'm hoping it works out, he's a great guy. We have some of the same quirks which is one thing that draws us closer I guess. We are both people that are hard on ourselves and not the greatest self esteem. Neither of us has completely experienced each others bad sides yet but eventually that will happen and we'll see if we can both handle those times. Bob (my dad) has been a major pain in my family's ass and it doesn't look like it's gonna get better any time soon but his new psychiatrist seems to be more on top of things than his last one. She has assured me that if he appears to be harmful to himself or others after he begins his more intense treatment that he can be committed against his will. Now that's a big weight lifted off our shoulders. The last thing we need is another repeat of him wanting to kill his whole family. Not really sure what else to talk about. Oh my friend Susan's boyfriend is finally home from Iraq and things are going great for them. My best friend Autumn had her baby boy on the 18th, 7lbs. 13ozs. 20 3/4" long and they named him Sheamus Michael so we'll call him Shea. He is so adorable. I also got a shocking message from Eddie. I hadn't heard from him since I broke things off back in May. It was kinda weird talking to him especially since he wants me back. I let him know that I'm in a good relationship with David but I would like to remain friends with him.

Hmmm...To update for the last week...

Well let's see... Sunday 29th: Stayed at Autumn's again, nothing too exciting happened. We went for a mile walk. Monday 30th: Went to my meds Dr. appointment. He upped my meds again to see if this helps more, if this doesn't we may try adding another type of anti-depressant to what I'm already taking. Tuesday 31st: Nothing eventful this day. Wednesday 1st: Nothing eventful this day either. Thursday 2nd: Mowed the yard (yippee), went to dinner with my friend David, then went to Chasers and hung out with my normal friends there but a few weren't there. Friday 3rd: Went to the annual MDA carshow at Fairlawn Plaza, David came out and hung out with me for a while then we went to Chasers and played a few games of pool which I won 3 games to 2. heehee Saturday 4th: Didn't do much at all, felt like shit with sinus headache and really bad stiff neck. Chatted with David most of the day/night along with a few other friends. Sunday 5th: Started out crappy with a sinus headache and stiff neck again, took a hot bath and relaxed a bit. David came out and we talked and just hungout, he stopped and got me some gummy savers since I told him I was craving them the last couple days. And now for today. Didn't really do anything, watched TV, chatted with friends, David was going to come over and we were going to go shopping since there was some stuff I needed to get but he got paged into work to fix some problem. Just been watching TV since then.

Some Poetry...

Somewhere In My Broken Heart 

You made up your mind 

It was time it was over 

I would not have chosen the road you have taken 

It has left us miles apart 

But I think I can still find the will to go on 

Somewhere in my broken heart 

So I'll go ahead and try to keep my love unspoken 

Until you find out who you are 

I hope that in time you'll find what you long for 

A love that's written in the stars 

And when you do I hope you'll see 

It's somewhere in my broken heart 

Forever Yours 

I've been waiting so long 

You said you love me till the end of time 

I miss that sweet smile 

That sweet caress 

I need you back now 

I need to be held tight in your arms again 

Why did you leave me 

I guess it's all been said and done 

Honey let me show you 

Baby you're the one 

I'll be forever yours 

You've gotta believe me 

Try to stick it out baby 

I'm hoping and praying 

Haven't I made it clear 

Can't you hear what I'm saying 

Won't you give me one more chance 

I wanna be your baby 

And be forever yours 

My heart begs to be free 

My heart begs to be free 

Free of the pain and misery 

Free of the heartbreak and despair 

Because there's nothing that compares 

To the love we could share 

My heart begs to be free 

Free from the loneliness it feels 

Free from its want to reveal 

Exactly how you make it feel 

My heart begs to be free 

Free of the uncontrollable fear 

Free of the untamed desire to want you near 

Because there is nothing I want more 

Than to show you what love is for 

My heart begs to be free 

Free from the depressed life it leads 

Free from the wounds it conceals 

From past loves lost 

Free my heart

Hmmmmmmmmmm...

Well it's been almost a week since I've wrote on here. So to update things... Umm well Monday night I stayed with Autumn again, we did our mile & 1/2 walk like we have been doing since I've been staying over there lately. Tuesday and Wednesday I didn't have to go over there because her husband is off work those days. Thursday I went and played pool at Chasers with Scott, it was pretty dead, we played for like 1 1/2 hrs. Then I went over to Autumn's again and we walked a mile. Didn't do much else. Friday I pretty much just sat around and chatted, then mowed the 1/2 of the yard mom didn't get mowed since we knew it was gonna storm. And today I've been lazy, Peyton woke me up at 8 to go outside and I went to bed and got back up at 10. Welp I'm gonna go make some coffee and wake up some more.

It's Sunday...bleh...

Well not much to report again. Was at Autumn's most of yesterday afternoon and all night, just got home around 11:30 am. We went for a long walk last night since she's trying to get the baby to come soon. I'll be going over there again tonight probably 8:ish since Brent's working tonight. Then he'll be home Tuesday and Wednesday so she won't need me there. Not much else going on in my life right now than that. I borrowed like 10-15 CD's from her so I can copy them to my computer which is what I'll be doing today until I head back over to her place. Welp I'm gonna go eat some lunch and start working on those CD's.

Nothing new so far...

Well I haven't gotten a call from Autumn saying she's in labor yet so I guess things are going ok. I'll probably call her soon and see if she's gonna need me there today or tonight since I'm not sure what Brent's work schedule is. I kinda had some things to vent about but I'm not really sure it's worth it anymore. I just wish I would quit having dreams that involve certain people that are not part of my life anyone. It's getting on my nerves. I'm trying so hard to get my life back in order that I don't want things screwing it up anymore like they have been. Even though I'm working on getting my life back in order it's still more in order than most of the guys I know anymore and I find that rather sad. No new date or love interests to report, but then who'd wanna date someone like me.

And now back to your regularly schedule program...

Well let's see...Not much has happened lately really. My dad is still in the KC VA but I've been told he's doing much better. I'm keeping more in contact with my true friends. My bestfriend Autumn is due to have her baby any day now so I've been staying with her while her husband is at work so someone is always with her incase she goes into labor. I've made a couple more internet friends. I also ran into an old friend from back when I was with my ex-fiance Steven, I always called him my Joeybear, he's a DJ for V-100 (Joey Baggz). I ran into (Topeka) Scott last night at Chasers and we cleared the air about all that stuff in the past so everything is fine between us again. I was kinda shocked to see him there because I hadn't seen him there in over a month at least since I've been going back there but it was nice. Not much else is going on beside the normal stress I've been under lately. My disability was denied but with my lawyer I can appeal the decision. I'm just waiting until I can see my new Dr. next month so she can document everything and run the other tests I need done then I will file the appeal. I've been trying to exercise more so I'm slowly losing some weight. I go see my meds Dr. the 30th so we'll see if he up's my dosage again or decides to try another drug. Well I can't really think of anything else to write so I guess I'll post this now.