Entry for April 08, 2009

• |04/08/2009 06:18 pm

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Time for a change...Part 2 Current mood: blah Category: Life I know change takes time and lots of work but I keep finding myself turning back to those old ways. I'm too impatient of a person I think most of the time. Changing your life is hard! I try to work on it everyday but some days I just can't seem to see past all the pain, stress, and frustrations to keep moving forward. At times I just don't know if I can really do it anymore. At other times I think why the fuck am I being such a big baby about it all. There's so many things I want to do but I'm too scared to try, too scared of getting hurt again, too scared of hurting someone else. I know I'm a strong and stubborn person but some days I just feel so damn weak and helpless like I just don't matter to anyone anymore. I've got my 2 best friends and I love being able to talk to them but sometimes I just feel like there are some things I just don't know how to say to them about how I'm feeling or about what's wrong or whatever. Maybe this is just my fear of being too weak or maybe I'm just too confused and can't put things into words like I should be able to. I'm not sure what's going to happen from one day to the next and I think that's what's so damn scary to me right now. There are so many things that can go wrong and so many things that have already gone wrong, it just makes a person fear the future too much sometimes. I know I can't change people or the world, I can only work on myself and hope the best for the future and that maybe by making my own little changes it'll help others out too. I wish I had a crystal ball so I could see how things are going to turn out but I don't. I just have to try to take things in faith and pray that God will guide me in the right directions and give me that extra strength when I feel too weak on my own to move forward. I'm scared to death that my life is just going to fall apart even more and I won't be able to do anything about it but just sit there and watch in pain and misery. Some days I just don't know what to do with myself, other days I wish I had more friends to do things with or that could help me out in one way or another. I'm doing the best I can for the time being I guess. I just have to make myself accept my limitations and try to quit being so impatient about things and just work on what I can when I can.

Entry for February 11, 2009

• |02/11/2009 08:25 pm

It's time for a change...

Current mood: determined

I've decided I'm over the "boo-hoo, pity me" phase I've been in for a while now. With that said you either like me or you don't. If you like me then let me know it and show it. If you don't then MOVE THE FUCK ON, DELETE ME FROM YOUR LIFE COMPLETELY - - I DON'T NEED TO DEAL WITH YOUR BULLSHIT ANYMORE!!

From now on I'm going to grab life by its horns and hold on for the wild rides yet to come!

Sure this change is going to be a little slow at first and I'm sure I'll still have a few of those "boo-hoo, pity me" days but I've got 2 of the best friends in the whole world (Jenn and Susan - Love ya bunches!) to help me through the rough times and my mom who has always been my rock to support me in whatever I chose to do with my life. Plus the greatest family anyone could ever ask for who are always willing to help each other out when needed.

So if you think I've been a selfish bitch in the past then I guess I'm only going to get worse because from now on it's ALL about me and MY HAPPINESS. But my TRUE friends know my happiness also includes them and their happiness too. I'm just not going to dwell anymore on who likes me, why someone doesn't like me, and why so&so didn't call or text or email or whatever. I've had enough of the drama and bullshit to last a lifetime already so I refuse to put up with anymore of it. I wasn't put on this earth for you and you alone! I know I'm meant for something great and I'm going to do what I can to find that and I won't back down once I do!

So - "Cheers!" to those that like me/love me - - "Move on!" to those that are jealous or don't like me - - "Fuck you!" to those that hate me.

FRUSTRATED...

• |07/28/2008 07:19 pm

So I was sitting here and I thought I'd try writing an update blog. I'm not sure what I want to write or where it'll all end up going but I'm trying anyway.

I've tried getting back out into the dating thing but it doesn't seem to be working well for me as usual. I get interested in someone and we chat for a couple weeks maybe then he disappears for a couple weeks and finally messages me to tell me he's found someone. Go figure, the 2 weeks of silence was pretty much a dead give away asshole!

Then there are the ones that are younger than I like to date(so under 26 years old) but they are cute or handsome so I think, okay if they think I'm that hot maybe I'll see what happens, maybe they're more mature than I think they are. But they just want me for their fantasy (fuck an older hot chick) dream. If I wanted just sex, I could get that anywhere and anytime and from someone much more experienced. That's not what I want, at least not all I want. I want a REAL relationship, something that lasts longer than 2 months and has more to it than just sex and chatting online.

Tell me why is it when a guy is interested he doesn't mind making the first initial contact but after that he for some reason expects the woman to do everything else to keep it all going??? Here's a hint guys: if you like a woman let her know by messaging her whenever you think about her, or call or text her, try to get to know more about her and who she is as a person not just what she looks like naked or close to naked. Hell put forth some effort, maybe even surprise her by sending her flowers or even just a card. Be more original than the "hey babe, how ya doing?" stuff.

And why is it men feel the need to cheat? I know women cheat too, I'm not saying we don't. But a man that is supposedly happy in a relationship or marriage and getting good/great sex on a regular basis from the woman….why does he need to look elsewhere?

As for things that are going okay in my life….well other than I finally got the friends buying what was my father's house from me to get caught up on payments and pay me regularly and on time….nothing else good to report.

Some of you already know that my parents' shop had major financial problems and was forced to shut down for good the end of March this year. For me that means no more income not that I was actually getting paid most of the time anyway. We still have a few vehicles left to finish that we had started for customers before closing the business but all that money goes straight to the supply bills and the business loan. I get nothing, my parents get nothing. I wish I didn't have to help do any of it but my stepdad can't do it all by himself, his eyes-hands-knees-back are all too bad now to continue doing it alone. So mom with her bad shoulders-migranes and I with my bad shoulders-neck-back-allergies have to pitch in and do a lot for him. Not fair I know, it was his business and he's the only one that wanted it, but that's life and family and it's got to be done or we could chance losing our house.

Then there are my "fair-weather" friends…the ones that only talk to me when they want something, need something, or have no one else to bitch to about something fucked up in their life. Why is it I'm important enough then and only then to be your best friend but not any other time? Sure people grow older, things change in their lives, they get busier and different jobs…but does that mean the friendship has to get put on the back burner until something is so fucked up that only I can listen to it and help you through it? Don't get me wrong I truly care about all my friends, and I love my close friends like family, but things like that just make me feel meaningless and used. I've had friends that have gotten married and never bothered to tell me or invite me and I don't find out until like 3 months later when they complain to me about their "wife" or "husband". It's like damn I really am not important enough of a friend for you to even remember to include me somehow in something that's supposed to be a special time in your life. I've also have friends that don't tell me they're pregnant or their girlfriend is pregnant until after the baby is already born and like 4 months old, "oh hey by the way I have a son and he looks just like me". Gee didn't you think you could have told me that when you first found out? I just don't understand people anymore. Sometimes it makes me want to become a hermit, but I don't get out much anymore anyway so I'm not sure what else could make it worse. I really wish I had the money to just move far away, maybe start a whole brand new life somewhere and never look back at those people who can't seem to make time for me and our friendship.

L O N E L Y . . .

• |02/09/2008 10:14 am

Saturday, January 19, 2008

L o n e l y . . . Current mood: lonely Category: Life So I've had a lot of time to sit around and think since I've been sick this last week and been home pretty much alone this weekend. I'm not sure it's a good thing that I've had this much time to think so much but that's about all I can do. I really miss some of my old life. I never knew how good my carefree life was back then but when things went down hill I lost all that. I'm not sure who I am anymore or what I want in my life or what I want to do with my life. I do know that I'm very lonely. Yes I tend to complain about this quite a bit anymore but I am still lonely and single. I know I have my family and I have a few select friends I can count on to be there when I need someone to talk to. But there's other friends that just aren't there for me anymore unless they need something or someone to listen to them vent or whine. The loneliness just keeps building up inside of me and it's so heavy in my heart now. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I've dealt with so many assholes in my life that sometimes it's hard for me to trust men. Plus that has made me so picky when it comes to men too that I just can't settle for less than what I want and what I feel is perfect for me. I don't know what else to do anymore. I feel like by the time I find the perfect one I'll be too old to care about sharing my little life anymore. I know finding a man that likes a strong, stubborn bitch that voices her opinion freely and doesn't mind taking control of everything will be extremely hard maybe damn near impossible but I'm still hopeful.

Updating with my last 3 blogs from Myspace...

• |01/07/2008 08:18 pm

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Confused heart...Restless mind... Current mood: curious Category: Life I'm not quite sure what I really want this blog to be about but I just felt like I needed to write and maybe vent or something. I know some of my friends are going through some pretty rough times and I wish there was something I could do but I'm also going through a lot of crap in my own life right now too so that makes it hard for me to even think about trying to help anyone else. I do love you all, and believe it or not you are always on my mind, no matter what hell I'm going through I'm still here for all of you and I want every single one of my friends to know that. Each and everyone one of you are so great in your own way and I wouldn't trade our friendship for the world because you all make me feel truly blessed. I've got a birthday coming up next month and I've decided that regardless of the current debt that I'm in I need to take some time for myself for a change and do something I really want to do. I'm taking my mom and we're going to go play around in Los Angeles and Hollywood for a week, take in the sites and maybe if I'm lucky I can get a tattoo for my birthday by Kat Von D (that would be so wicked!). I know mom needs a vacation too so that's why I'm bringing her and I don't really want to go by myself plus it'll be good bonding time. She's my best friend in the whole world and my rock. Without her I'd probably be dead by now, morbid thought I know but very true none the less.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Confused heart...Restless mind...Part 2 Current mood: confused Category: Life So I know I just wrote a blog last night but still feeling like I have more inside me that needs to come out in some way and this seems to be the best and most convenient option. I'm not really sure what I want to say so this may jump around a lot between subjects and what not. I feel so emotionally drained but yet there's just sooooo much bottled up still. I could cry every night but it still wouldn't release all the pain and stress. I'm not really sure how to put some of this into words and some things I'm not sure I really want everyone that reads my blogs to know but I'm going to try to just let as much out as I possibly can and just not care what others may have to say about it. I know in other blogs I've said that I don't like to let all my friends know about all my problems and short comings and flaws but if I can't count on my friends to be honest with me then what kind of friend am I for not being completely honest with them. Truthfully I guess I'm kind of ashamed about some of my problems even though there's not much I can really do about some of them, I was born that way and I just got what my parents and God gave me. Yes I have Type 2 bi-polar disorder, I got that from my dad and he had Type 1 bi-polar disorder (I still think there's more wrong with me than just that but nothing has been confirmed yet)…what that means is I get depressed a whole lot more and I still have times when I go manic but those episodes don't last more than a day…that also means my dad was manic more often and so living with him in those episodes when I was a teenager was very, very hard for me because it pushed me further into depression and I felt the need to cut myself, drink, or attempt suicide. I also turned to sex more then too because it made me feel more loved and wanted and needed. So to sum it up in junior high and high school I was a depressed slut with an alcohol problem and a cutter. Most don't really know that about me, and even my closest friends didn't know all of it at the time either. As of now I'm pretty much sober and continuing to stay that way, I rarely have sex anymore and haven't felt the need for it like I used to, I had stopped cutting myself for a very long time but after my dad died things got pretty bad for me and I went back to cutting again. The only thing I'm proud of is that I was able to quit drinking and smoking on my own and that I have been able to continue to control my drinking, but I have to be honest I miss the sex a little but I've grown up and realized it's just not as good without love and so I will continue to go without it until I find someone I can be in a real relationship with. Now for the harder part, putting into words some of the other things I'm feeling or dealing with. I'm lonely. I know I have friends but most live at least 2 hours away and all have busy lives and not much time for me, but that's not really the loneliness I'm talking about. I miss being in love and being loved by a man. I've tried dating so many times but as I've said before most relationships haven't lasted but maybe 3 months if that. Maybe that's mostly my fault but I'm not sure since I'm usually the one that gets dumped and then finds out the ex is in a new relationship less than 3 weeks later. I am still friends with some of my exs. I still have deep feelings for another one but he doesn't have those feelings for me and most likely never will. I've tried putting those feelings behind me but that's one heartbreak that hasn't ever healed and I'm not sure ever really will. I had thought once maybe he was my soul mate but I'm not really sure what to think anymore. I don't know if I believe there really is a soul mate out there for me. And if there was then wouldn't he feel that deep longing in his heart to be with me too? Maybe I'm just too messed up and have too many problems to have a soul mate. Maybe that's not in God's plan for me. Or I guess maybe I just haven't met him yet. It just really sucks. I'm the only one of my girlfriends that hasn't been married yet, at least once. Always a bridesmaid and never the bride. Maybe that's the way it's meant to be for me but I don't feel like it's fair.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

L.A., Hollywood, and Beverly Hills... Current mood: lazy Category: Travel and Places Hey all I got back from my birthday vacation on sunday. Boy am I glad to be back home!!! The motel room was fairly crappy, guess that's what you get for a cheap deal. There wasn't even an alarm clock in the room. The beds were pretty hard and the pillows were crappy. We had a decent time but the only stars I saw were in the sidewalks on Hollywood Blvd. Walk of Fame. I wasn't able to meet Kat Von D. :( She wasn't in the shop when I went in on Saturday when they opened at noon. :( I wasn't able to get tattooed out there either. :( Was pretty disappointed but then most of that is my fault since I wasn't feeling good and didn't make an appointment. Mom and I walked around MacArthur Park the first afternoon after we got there in L.A. and I think at one time it used to be a beautiful park but not so much anymore. The next day we went to see the Hollywood sign and the Hollywood Walk of Fame. I took a bunch of pics of that stuff. After that we mostly drove around to see what all was around there to look at. Traffic was HELL on the 101 most of the time. We took two afternoons to look at the Hollywood Walk of Fame and still didn't see them all because of the 1 hour time limit for parking plus it was kinda hot out there. We went to Universal City Walk which was kinda neat but didn't go into Universal Studios because I didn't want to pay like $64 a person to get in. Yeah I'm cheap sometimes sorry! Mom got me a tshirt at the Hard Rock Cafe with a tiger and dragon on it since I wasn't able to get my tattoo. We also drove and walked down Rodeo Drive. I thought about going into some of the stores but figured there wasn't anything I could afford in them anyway so just have fun looking around. Love ya all!! ~Val~

A small look inside...

• |06/18/2007 11:04 pm

So I know some of you know that since my father died last year I've been having a really hard time. Things were starting to get better after a while but then with the one year anniversary of his death hitting me this last month and some stressful things with work and other personal things, I've been in a real funk lately. I'm at a point that I'm just not sure what to do with myself anymore, I may have a good day here and there but mostly it's been pretty bad for me. Normally I don't let these things show much because I don't want to burden any of my friends and family with my problems, I'd rather they be happy and not worry about me. Anyway I guess the reason I'm sharing all this now is because I need a way to try to release some of this pain. I've tried so hard to be there for all my friends through all their problems and to keep a strong shoulder for them and a smile on my face while all the time burring the pain I'm going through deep down inside. This really isn't working for me anymore. I'm miserable and tired of keeping my feelings inside. I'm so tired of being the strong one, tired of being the one everyone depends on for help and support. I want to know what it takes to get that back in return. When do I get to be the weak one? When do I get the shoulder to cry on? Why do I have do have to go through everything alone? Why is it everything I do seems to be the wrong thing? I know this doesn't apply to a couple of my best friends who really have been there for me and know some of what I'm dealing with but for the rest, well I feel used and unappreciated like I only matter to them when they need me and only for that period of time. I just don't understand why some think everything is so easy to fix like I can just push a button and the things I don't like in myself and my life will either disappear or be fixed automatically. I wish it were all that easy, I wish I had the money to fix certain problems and the willpower and strength to fix others. It's like some people don't realize it really does take money to fix things and when you don't have money you can't fix them. It takes money to have a car, buy gas, pay for insurance just so you can drive around to find a job. It takes money to pay bills while looking for a job. It takes money to have food to fix so you have something to eat and don't starve. It takes money to look nice for job interviews and to print off resumes and all that. When you don't already have money it's hard to actually have it to do all the things necessary for a new job. As for other things wrong with me such as allergies and manic-depression, well that takes money too to buy medication to control either of them. Again without money that's hard to fix. Some people think I need to get out more, try to do more things to keep myself entertained instead of spending so much time sitting in my little bedroom where it's easier to dwell on all my problems. Well yet again that takes money to go out and have fun at a bar, to go play pool, to go to a movie, to drive to the lake and walk around, to go visit friends. So since there is no money to spare there's no since in trying to do anything else outside of this house. Yes I'm in pain, yes I'm going through a lot of hard times right now, yes I tend to take on too much stress especially when my family is going through a really rough financial time too. But honestly there's not anything I can do to fix that. Not without money at least. I don't know how many days where I've just been sitting here and started crying for what seems like no real reason. I've gotten to the point that I'm pretty bitchy to be around, I've lost almost all tolerance, and sometimes the smallest things just really piss me off. I've tried so hard to control all this on my own. Medication doesn't really work but for maybe a month if that and I can't afford it. Sometimes all I feel like doing is running a blade across my skin just so I can feel a different kind of pain and have my brain ignore the rest for a while.

Probably my last blog for the year...

• |12/20/2006 10:09 am

Well I think this will probably the last update I do for this year. Let's see what's happened since my last blog.

For those of you who actually know anything about Ken and what's been going on in the shop...Ken's in the Tennessee jail now as of November 15th awaiting his trial that is in February, he was picked up on a probation violation for child molestation, in other words he was never supposed to be in Kansas or any other state other than TN. I'm sure he'll probably end up serving out his 3 year probation in prison. That left us with a big fucking mess at the shop to deal with on customers and estimates that were too low and screwed up, so there have been some lawsuit threats and such.

Umm, let’s see…Oh Lily’s having a boy, she’s due mid January. I think she’s chosen Michael Elliot for his name. I kinda like it, it’s definitely better than the other ones she was thinking about. She’s transferred from Ft. Campbell to Ft. Sill now so she’s only a 4-5 hour drive away from us and her daughter which is better than the 10 hour drive before.

We had our big family dinner for Thanksgiving on December 2 nd , had about 35 people at our house which normally we have like 40-50 people. It was nice, had a lot of good deserts and turkey and ham and all that good stuff too. I of course ate too much and had to wait to eat my deserts.

On December 10th , we had our Christmas dinner for the classic car club we belong to. I got nominated to be the newsletter editor so each month I’ll be typing everything up and getting in printed and mailing them out. The club adopted 17 children this year to buy Christmas presents for whose families have fallen on hard times and can’t afford to get nice things for them. We wrapped all the gifts on the 16th and delivered them on the 17th .

My computer went craps on me again so I spent Monday night and yesterday fixing it and getting everything set up on it again. Our friend Marvin is going to switch motherboards with me, he’s got a used one that’s got a 1.7ghz processor on it and 512mb ddr memory which is new than mine so maybe it will help fix the problems I’ve been having with it.

Well I think that’s pretty much everything, if I missed anything I’m sure I’ll end up blogging about it later. Oh I do have one more thing, I’m going to spend New Year’s Eve with my good friend Susan and her husband! I can’t wait! I’m excited to see them and their house and my grandpuppies and their kitties. It’s going to be a good time I’m sure.

Have a safe and happy holidays everyone! Take care of yourselves, your families, and friends!

Fed up, Stressed out, Depressed...

• |10/23/2006 01:17 pm

Ok I need to release some of this pain and stress on to you unknowing, and probably unwilling victims but I hope you can all forgive me because I just can't handle this all on my own anymore. OK so to update, my father passed away May 28th of this year, I'm finally just now getting the final death certificates but they won't be ready for me to pick them up until Wednesday. The coroner took for fucking ever determining the final cause of death. So to top that off since my father didn't have a will I will have to find a lawyer so I can sell my dad's house. The bad part of that is I don't have a job or any money to pay a lawyer up front so that means I have to try to find one that will work for me and wait to get paid out of the proceeds of selling the house. I'm tired of being stuck in this hell, I just want it all to go away so I can try to get past it and maybe live a semi-normal life again. I'm tired of crying for no real apparent reason, just because something on TV or the radio reminds me of something about my dad or what I won't have when the time comes that I actually get married. I'm tired of not being able to sleep much anymore at night. I'm tired of being stressed out. I'm tired of getting taken advantage of by my friends who can't seem to understand that I have a lot of shit to deal with already and the fact that I allowed them to move into my father's home before I officially sold it to them doesn't seem to register with them because they continued to be late with the rent and with the cell phone bill payments and now on top of that they've been using ALL my minutes so if I try to use the phone there will be overage charges which they're already accruing because they can't seem to grasp the reality that they use the phone too damn much at the wrong times of the day. I know I'm to blame for some of this because I was stupid enough to allow myself to put them on my account and all that, but DAMN how hard is it to wait to use the phone until 9pm or till the weekend or to only use it for very important phone calls that shouldn't last more than 15 minutes each or so?!??! You'd think after I bitched about it twice that they'd get it through their heads but apparently not. I can't take this anymore, I feel like I just want someone to shoot me in the head and put me out of my misery. I need a nice long vacation away from everyone and everything here. I think I've dealt with enough pain and suffering in my life already I really don't want to ever have to deal with anymore until I'm 90 years old, if I can even make it to that age. I've already had cancer, I've dealt with losing 3 grandparents and 2 stepgrandparents so I have one grandma who lives with us left, I've dealt with losing 2 friends, 2 aunts, 2 uncles, 3 cousins, I've dealt with losing people I was close to that were family members of people I was in relationships with, and losing my own father. To me I think that's enough, in fact I think it's way too much.

It's been 6 years...

• |10/15/2006 12:10 pm

Well Friday the 13th was 6 years to the exact day that I was in the hospital having my hysterectomy to get rid of the cervical and uteran cancer I had. I think it was a bit harder for me this time around because it was Friday the 13th when I had it done but also because my friend Lily is pregnant now too and it just makes me remember what was ripped away from me. I'm not saying that I really want kids now, I dealt with that when I had to make the decision to have the hysterectomy or take my chances not knowing how long I may have had and how fast the cancer was growing. I think it's just hard I guess because I always wanted to be pregnant and have my own child or help a family who wanted a child and couldn't have one themselves but God had other plans for me. I am glad I don't have any kids right now and I'm happy I can't get pregnant but at times there's still that desire in the back of my mind. I know it's harder because I've had to deal with so much grief and stress this year already but I'll survive and work through it and eventually I'll be ok.

Take care everyone! And remember, never take life for granted because you never know when something can happen that will totally change or rearrange your life.

Thing you may want or need to know about me.....

• |09/11/2006 11:45 am

Ok I figured I'd share some more things about me that some people know already but others may need to know or want to know.

For starters as you may have already guessed, I'm no virgin and haven't been since I was 14 years old.

I have been pregnant once my senior year in high school, but I had a miscarriage when I was only about 2 months along.

I've been raped twice when I was a teenager, once when I was 15 and the other when I was 18.

I've been engaged to 3 people in my lifetime so far and never married.

In March of 2000 I found out I had cervical cancer and possibly uteran cancer. In mid March I had a procedure done called a conization to remove a cone shaped section of my cervix in hopes that it would remove all the cancerous cells. After I had healed from that they tested me again and there were still more cancer cells and it was moving up into my uterus. On Friday, October 13th of 2000 I had a hysterectomy to remove the rest of my cervix and my uterus. I am cancer free so far to this day thank God! I can no longer have children though but I do still have my ovaries so I'm not on hormone replacements yet. I find it a good thing now though that I can't have children because I just don't want to have any.

I have gone through a lot of rough things in my life. For the first 18 years of my life I was treated like shit by my father because he only wanted a son. I suffered a lot of mental and verbal abuse from him and some physical abuse. At age 15 I learned that I am manic-depressive which is something I got from him. A few years ago I also learned I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder due to all the stuff I had to deal with growing up with him since he was also manic-depressive and abusive. It wasn't until I was about 23 when he actually told me he loved me and was sorry for all the hell he put me and my mother through and asked for my forgiveness. As you may have read in my previous blog he passed about 3 1/2 months ago. Even though he was a cause of so much pain in my life I still loved him and it hurts knowing he's gone and I never got to tell him that I forgive him for it all before he died.

I've also gone through bankruptcy about 3 years ago and had my truck repo'd shortly before that, so my credit is shitty and I don't have my own transportation anymore.

Well that should be enough sharing for now and enough to scare off the those that can't handle such things. Take care everyone!!!

What's up......

• |08/31/2006 09:46 pm

Well let's see, not much to update. I'm doing ok now, still trying to get my life in order. Luckily I'm still able to be living with my mom and things have settled down for the most part. I'm still waiting on my dad's death certificate so I can get the rest of his stuff settled and sell the house. This has been a lot of stress on top of all the other stress in my life so it's taken a toll on me. I would love to be able to just take a nice long vacation somewhere, maybe to a beautiful island and just relax on the beach or something nice like that. I'll be 32 in about a couple months, hoping to go to Vegas with my mom for my birthday, we've got a deal for a free 2 night stay and flight, just gotta pay $100 for the taxes on it all. I just feel so lost all the time anymore. I'm not really sure what I want in a man or if I even want any type of relationship right now. I know I need to get my life in order and all that before I even think about a relationship. It's very hard not knowing what to do or where my life is going. I wish I had a way of just waving a magic wand and making my life better and everyone I'm friends with happy but as we all know it's not possible. Maybe someday if my website allows me to make money with the adult affiliate programs I'm signed up with I can take that dream vacation and help those friends out too. *shrugs* Welp I'm gonna end this now. I'll keep you all updated as much as I can.

More sadness and grief...

• |07/25/2006 08:53 pm

Today we buried my uncle. He was 49 years old. From what I've been told by my cousins and other family he probably passed away like my father. No one had heard from him for at least 5 days and when the police found his body in the home it was bloated and already out of rigor. They had to have a closed casket memorial ceremony. Since I didn't have a service for my father it really hit me hard today and my heart goes out to my cousins Aubrey and Sarah in their time of grief. I know what they are going through and I know what they will be facing in the months to come. But our fathers are both in a better place now, no longer suffering in physical or emotional pain and someday we'll see them again when it's our time to enter that beautiful place above. I may not have been that close to my uncle but I loved him still because he was my cousins father and a good man in his own way. He will be missed. It's hard to see them go through this, they're younger than me, Aubrey graduated from high school last year and is getting married August 26th, Sarah is going through college for nursing and still has a couple years left, so they both have so much more growing up to do. The hardest part is not knowing what happened and not being able to say goodbye before they passed away.

Another update...

• |07/15/2006 12:53 pm

Well things have calmed down for a bit so far. I was able to talk things out with my mom and I'm able to stay living with them for a while longer until things get settled with my father's death certificate, his house, and my back wages. Once that's all taken care of then I will move out and get another job.

Thank you to those friends who actually showed me they truly care about me and my well being during the last few weeks, I truly appreciate you all!

Welcome to my fucked up life...

• |07/04/2006 04:35 pm

Well here's an update for you all that give a shit...

As you all have probably read previously my father died just over a month ago. Well I've been very busy with all his shit from the house and stuff. My best friend Autumn and her boyfriend are going to rent to own the house from me. Just after this got decided and they started working on cleaning up the house so they can move in because they're about to get evicted from their apartment but things get worse for me. I am currently unemployed since I've been putting so much of my time into all this other stuff. So on Saturday when Autumn and I come back over after having my mom watch Autumn's son for 3 hours my step-dad decides it's time to show his true colors again and starts accusing me of shit that never happened because Ken said it did. So that started a big arguement which lead very quickly into a physical fight in which I won after bloodying his nose and knocking his new glasses off his face. Then he proceeds to tell me that I'm nothing but an ugly fatass white bitch who can't do anything for myself and I have nothing but white trash friends who use me and stab me in the back and all this other hurtful bullshit. The fight starts to wind down and he tells my mother she needs to start saying something to me and that she needs to kick me out. My mother responds by saying she can't choose between her daughter and her husband and don't make her do that cuz he'll lose. Well he keeps pushing it and she tells him fine the get the fuck out, just leave, I'm sick of it leave. Of course he doesn't think she's serious so he keeps on going, mean while Autumn and her son are outside and can hear every word that's being said. Finally I had enough after I calmed down a bit and just walked out the door because I needed to take Autumn home and stuff. So I came home late enough that night that everyone was asleep, took a couple sleeping pills and a 500mg aleeve. So Sunday I got up and around and went over to my dad's old house to start cleaning up more. I came home around 9:30ish and mom came in and told me I needed to find a place to live because she doesn't want to lose Monte. I informed her I thought it was really shitty of her to do this after already saying she'd never kick me out or choose him over me. I also told her she could do so much better if she'd divorce him and that Autumn even knows a great guy her age to set her up with. So didn't care, Monte's got her so broke down emotionally that she thinks she's ugly and can't do shit right and stuff like that, just the way my dad did to her until she divorced him. Well after mom and I's short conversation I called Autumn to tell her what happened and her and her boyfriend Shiloh told me to live with them and of course they'll still continue to pay me the rent and such and I don't have to contribute anything unless I want to after I get a job. So since I had gotten a storage unit for dad's stuff until I could have a sale I am now using it to store my stuff until the house is ready for us all to move in to. What really pisses me off is I had just dished out over $1300 in a month to pay their bills and other things but apparently none of that was good enough for Monte but I'm sure he's enjoying still having cable and internet and new shorts and shoes and food to eat and a cell phone and all that other nice stuff I paid for.

Well I think that's pretty much the jist of it all so far, as things progress or whatever I'll keep y'all updated when I can. It may be a little while until I have internet after I get moved though so if you have my cell # and are worried enough about me just give me a call. I'll be glad to hear from ya.

****HUGE HUGS TO ALL THOSE THAT TRULY CARE ABOUT ME****

Goodbye to the cruel world...

• |06/18/2006 12:49 pm

I received a visit on Wednesday, May 31st from the Police Chaplin. He informed me that my father passed away. The neighbors hadn't seen him around for a few days at least so they called the police on Sunday, May 28th to have someone check up on him. The police found him dead in his home that Sunday. I have been going through a ton of mixed emotions in the last few days now. My father and I weren't on speaking terms and hadn't been for a few years and the problems ran further back than that. It was hard to hear the news at first but I think I took it fairly well, it was very hard to walk into his house the first time and see that he still kept all the pictures of me displayed on his table where he could look at me every day. I guess he really did love me in his own fucked up way. I feel bad for having hated him for so long but I know he's not in pain anymore and that's what really gets me through all this, plus knowing that whatever I get out of his possessions will allow me to better my life and others. I've been very busy the last few days with making calls, canceling accounts, boxing up his belongings, moving stuff, cleaning things up so I can get the house somewhat ready to sell when the time comes. I always thought I'd be older than 31 when I had to deal with all this and bury a parent. He was 61, a very heavy smoker, had lung problems due to smoking so long, heart problems, high blood pressure, diabetes, prostate problems, kidney problems, as well as bi-polar disorder. With all those problems and all that pain I'm sure he welcomed the death but I hate to think of how he suffered there alone, and possibly how long he was laying there before he died or if it was quick, and how long was he actually dead before the police found him. I truly hope I never go that way but I'm definitely going to make sure I have my burial plot and arrangements paid for as well as keeping a current living will. Things like this really make you realize anything can happen at any time and you should always try to be prepared so you're loved ones that are left behind don't have to go through the stress like I have been doing.

Puppies are 2 months old.

Still have 3 puppies available.

All of Peyton's puppies 

I'm a proud Grandma!

Peyton, my long haired Rottweiler started labor this morning around 1:10am. She had the 1st baby, a girl, at 1:25am, the 2nd baby, a girl, at 2:14am, the 3rd baby, a girl, at 3:18am, the 4th baby, yet another girl, at 6:07am, and lastly the 5th baby, a boy, at 8:45am. They are all so cute and she did very well giving birth and cleaning them all up. Puppy #4 has been spoken for by my friends Susan and Jon. The other's will have to be chosen later.

Name Acronym Generator

V	Valiant
A	Adventurous
L	Loving
E	Entertaining
R	Respectable
I	Inspirational
E	Explosive

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Yep, you guessed right...I'm bored again.

Was feeling hurt and poetic last night...

I'm a figment of you imagination Burned into your mind I try to surface again Denied every time I push my way past the pain Bounce around inside your brain Once you think your life's on track I'll return once again You'll never get rid of me I am your memories ----------------------------------------------- Love me now Love me true Break my trust I'm through with you In this hour With all my power I drink away the pain Hearts are broken Lives are ruined Nothing will be the same ----------------------------------------------- Alone again Here comes the pain trapped inside The walls closing in Ignore the voices inside my head Whispering to me "try again" ----------------------------------------------- Blasts from the past Visions of the future Never miss a thing Close your eyes one more time You'll see me once again Was never lost Just pushed aside Locked away inside your mind Can never wash away the pain Just build the walls again ----------------------------------------------- Wherever you go I'll be watching you Stalking your dreams at night Watching your every move Haunting you like a ghost Buried inside your heart The love you have for me