My life... (part of it)...

If you know me already then you know that I'm somewhat private about my very personal parts of my life and don't let people know what I am really going through so doing this will probably open up some very old wounds, but I think I need to do it in order to help others and maybe even myself.  I'm not exactly sure where or how to start this so please bear with me as I struggle through it.  

I learned at a very early age that my father never wanted me.  He never wanted to be a father but was willing to give my mother a child in hopes that it would be a boy, but to his disappointment I was a girl.  As I grew up, I started to see how other fathers adored their daughters and showed them love and wanted to protect them from harm.  I also learned from family members that even as a helpless little baby he refused to help take care of me because I wasn't a boy.  I tried to make him love me by being a tomboy and trying to learn from him and do things he liked doing such as working on cars and other things around the house, fetching him tools, learning how to play pool even though I had to stand on a chair to reach the table good enough, and then eventually racing go-carts when I was old enough to qualify to do it.  Nothing I did ever made him tell me that he loved me or that he was proud of me and so I finally started to give up around the age of 11.  This made me search for attention and love in different ways from guys who I probably knew weren't going to be good for me, but I craved it anyway.

Fast forward to when I was 15 1/2 years old, I ended up running away that summer because my father was laid off at the time and was being abusive to me while my mother was at work.  I was staying with my 3rd boyfriend and his uncle and family at the time and ended up getting raped by said boyfriend and his uncle saved me from him and beat his ass for what he did to me.  I went home that night and never told anyone what had happened including my mother who came and got me.  

Fast forward to when I was 17 years old and my mother had finally had enough of the kind of hell we were living in because of my father and filed for divorce, she left and moved in with her best friend while I had to stay with my father for the summer because I had to finish summer school and couldn't leave the school district.  During this time my father and I had and argument about my boyfriend at the time and he tried to take away my car (which I paid for with my saved-up allowance and babysitting money) and we got into a physical fight during which he tried to break my arm luckily, he didn't. I immediately called my grandmother (his mom) and told her what happened and asked if I could stay a couple days with her until the weekend when I could go stay with my mom.  She came over right away and threated to beat my father with her cast iron skillet which she brought with her for what he tried to do to me.  After that I lived with my mother and her best friend.  Unfortunately, I still had bad judgement in guys, and I got raped later that summer by a guy who an Ex of mine introduced me to and he got me pregnant (the Ex beat the crap out of him for it all) but I lost the baby at a little over 2 months along which was probably a good thing since I was about to be a senior in high school that year.  

Fast forward to when I was 19 years old, I ran into an Ex of mine (someone I dated barely over a month) while I was out with a guy friend of mine playing pool.  We decided to go back to the friend's apartment to party a little more and the Ex decided that rape was the kind of partying he had in mind and basically forced my guy friend to participate in it too.  

So, as you can see, I didn't have the greatest time growing up.  Maybe I will share a little more of my life in a future post.  I hope that this helps someone know that they are not alone and that even if you think you can't go on anymore that you are stronger than you believe, you can get through it, get the help you need and please don't give up!!!

The Complexity That Is Me...

So here I am yet again trying to decide what to do in my life, where I want it to go, who I want to be a part of it, and trying to figure out why I seem to keep repeating the same mistakes, and when will things go right for me for a change.
 
Some of you might think that I think way too much, and well maybe that is true but that’s just how I have always been and I don’t see that ever changing.  I can see why people think this and why it concerns them because since I tend to think so much I also tend to worry about things more and stress out even more as a result of it all.  I get frustrated with things very easily and lack the patience that is needed to just deal with everyday life.
 
I’m not sure how I can explain the complexity that is me.  Okay maybe I’m not really that complex but I know I’m a strange and unique individual, some people may have some similar qualities as me but none are exactly like me or ever will be.  So to try to explain how my mind works is a hard thing to do.  People have gut instincts or use rationalization in their thinking and such, but for me sometimes it’s just something I know, can’t explain how or why I do but I just do.  It’s not quite a psychic ability really, at least I don’t see it that way, I just have this strange ability to be able to read a person and a situation and can usually “predict” how it will work or turn out.  But all this seems to only work for everyone but me, I can’t seem to “predict” what is going to happen with me, or how things with play out in my own life.  This makes it even more frustrating to me because even when I do think I might have that feeling deep in my gut about something or someone it’s usually too late by then for me to do anything about it.  I suck at doing the right thing in my life I guess and that’s the most frustrating thing of all.  Lots of times all the gut instincts, rational thinking, people and situation reading just doesn’t work for me so I end up hurt and miserable and not knowing what could have been done to prevent it.
 
I know life isn’t easy for everyone, and it’s never been easy for me, never will be either.  We all have our ups and downs, and some like me have had more downs than ups but we all get through it in our own ways.  My way is just trying to be able to go a whole day without feeling like I want to cry for hours when things aren’t going good for me.  I try to just ignore what I’m feeling a lot of the time and stick my head into reading, or watching tv, or listening to music and pretend I have this great life that I will never have.
 
I’m not saying that God dealt me the worst hand of cards ever but maybe not the greatest one and it’s hard to know what I need to do with them to be able to come out on top or at least break even in this game of life.
 
So here I am 36 years old and still trying to ponder the meaning of life.  Well maybe not so much the meaning of life itself, but the meaning of my life is probably more accurate.  I don’t know what my life means in this world, what I’m supposed to be doing with it, if I’m already doing what I’m supposed to be doing or all I can be doing, who is meant to be in my life or if I’m missing some people that are key players in it.  Will I ever feel fulfilled in my life?  Will I ever find that one man I’m meant to spend the rest of my life with?  Will I ever get married?  What is in store for me in the future, and will it make me happy finally?  There’s just way too many questions to ever find all the answers to and I can’t keep going on driving myself crazier trying to figure out what I’ll probably never be able to.  Plain and simple, I’m completely lost in my life and don’t know what to do.

Entry for June 07, 2011

So let's see...Went to do some clean up work at what I call my rental property (Dad's old house) last Friday.  Had Nate meet us there so he could check things out and get an idea of what needs to be fixed right away before moving in and what can be worked on afterward in August or so.
On Saturday Mom, Monte and I went to Clinton, MO for Monte's Aunt and Uncle's 50th wedding anniversary party.  It was nice, nothing too big or formal or anything, but tasteful.  I however was pretty exhausted after driving there and back and being up earlier than I'm used to.
Today I went over and cleaned some more, swept out most of the rooms, cleaned a little in the kitchen and got the trash out of the house.  Robert met me over there today after he got off work and got the trash and crappy recliner sofa he had left moved out to the end of the driveway.  I'm going to try to go back over Thursday to do some more cleaning and maybe see what I can get out of the attic that the jackasses that lived there before Robert had left.  If I can't get it all then I'll probably go back Friday.  Trying to do it on days that aren't over 95 degrees which makes it hard now.  I think that pretty much covers everything for now so with that I'll end this and post it.  TTFN!

Might as well do a recap of 2011 so far too...

Yes I don't have much of a life and am bored enough to write yet another blog making this the 3rd one in 24 hours.  But this time I'll start from January 2011 and move on to the end of April.
Umm as usual in Kansas, January was filled with lots of snow and very cold weather.  So needless to say I didn't do much, didn't feel well either due to lots of allergy attacks whenever the snow storms rolled in, mostly sat around reading books and watching tv and movies.  Yet again Robert didn't pay me rent, which if you read the recap of 2010 blog you learned he didn't pay me for November and December.  By this point I'm getting pretty livid about it and I think towards the end of the month he finally paid me $100.  Rent is $320 a month plus a $30 late fee if not paid on or before the 15th.
Which leads us to February.  Jamez visited the weekend of the 11th thru 13th.  Valentine's Day was the 14th which was uneventful as usual for me.  Also everyone in my house got the flu and it took forever to get over it.  So other than Jamez visiting the one weekend I didn't do anything interesting or exciting, mostly just sat around feeling old and lonely.  Oh my sissy Jenn moved back to Texas from Virginia close to the end of this month too.  Robert again didn't pay me rent, pissing me off even further.  I give him another warning and he pays me another $100.
Now we're at March.   I'm still sick with the flu and sinus infection starting this month out.  Had to drive back and forth to Wichita a couple times to meet up with Lily to take her daughter Alyssa to her and to bring my niece Mikaela to see her dad and then back a week later after spring break ended to switch them again.  Had snow, then rain and my allergies were hell after getting over the other sickness.  Jamez visited on the 19th.  Monte's birthday was the 21st and we went out to eat for it.  Jamez visited again on the 26th.  Got word on the 31st that if I didn't pay the back taxes for 2007, 2008, and something on 2009 then I would lose my dad's old house to tax foreclosure.  And yet again Robert still didn't pay me rent other than $120 that he still owed on November.
April, well naturally it started out really shitty after just finding out I could lose my only form of income, which isn't that much to begin with anyway when the person actually pays me.  I had to borrow $1900 from my family to save the house and pay on the back property taxes.  Eventually around the 15th I informed Robert that unless he paid me the $1,550 he owes me before the end of the month then he needs to be moved out by the end of May.  He agreed that was more than fair and was expecting it sooner than when I finally gave up, also said he'd pay me what he owes me as soon as he gets some money.
Which now brings us back to this month of May.  Still haven't gotten any money out of Robert.  I already blogged about the rest of this month so far.  So with that I'll end this one and go watch tv.

RECAP OF 2010.

Well I know I just did a little recap blog about what’s been happening this month so far but since I had gone so long without blogging before that maybe I should do a recap of things that have happened over the last year or so.
So let’s see…to try to recap 2010...

Hmmm starting with January, all I can remember is getting lots of snow. 

Toward the end of the month or so I started dating Jamez again cuz his wife dumped him yet again at the beginning of the month.

In February I went to visit my sissy Susan.

We had a good time together as always.  =)  Umm hung out with Jamez a couple weekends too. 

Towards the end of March my mother fell in the garage and broke her hip and had to have a full hip replacement done.  =(  But Monte actually helped out some while she was on the mend and started vacuuming the house.

In April I was still dating Jamez, went to one of his A.B.A.T.E. of Kansas meetings and met a few nice people.
Umm I also got two new pairs of glasses during this month too.

Then the 22nd-28th I went with him and his daughter Breonna to Disney World for my very first time.  =)    It was really nice until the last day and then my feet were so sore and blistered I couldn’t do anything.

 
I brought home Mom and Monte a couple t-shirts.

I can’t remember anything for May really except for birthdays, on the 9th Grandma turned 95 and on the 23rd Mom and Aunt Carolyn turned 60 and on the 29th my grand-puppies turned 5.

Don’t really remember much for June other than I think that’s when Jamez and I stopped seeing each other and had a few big stupid fights via text and msn messenger.

July was a shitty ass month.  The so-called friends I had living in my rental house decided to move out without notice and were behind 2 months on rent.  They trashed the house (holes punched in three walls, windows broken, dog shit everywhere, carpets ruined, back of house trashed by dogs), stole all the appliances (washer, dryer, stove, stand-up freezer, refrigerator, and microwave) I had let them use, and they even took the bathroom sink and vanity.  I had to file a police report for the theft and criminal damages to the home.  $3,000 in total loses there plus $2,800 in back taxes they owed on top of the $640 they owed me for rent.  I’ve never saw the money for any of it and don’t think the police ever truly did anything after filing the report.

August, I let another friend of mine Robert move into my rental house.  An old friend of mine Jim did a photo shoot for me, we went to Lake Shawnee and Gage Park, and Ward Mead Park.  It was fun hanging out with him and we got to catch up some while he took pics.  Here’s a few of my favorites from the shoot.

After that I kinda started going back and forth between dating Jamez and Robert, I was very confused with who and what I wanted.  I have issues with men anymore, too high of standards I guess even when I try to lower them.

September, don’t think too much happened during this month other than hanging out with Robert.

October, again can’t think of anything big or important going on during this month, was still hanging out with Robert.

November, well the 15th was my birthday, turned 36, Robert took me out to dinner for it.  Not much else happened this month other than Robert stopped paying me rent, supposedly due to him not making any money at the shop he works at.

December, Robert’s birthday was on the 3rd which is also the day I quit dating him because of some shit he pulled on that day too.  What can I say my luck with men is just shitty like most of my life.

Christmas was boring, didn’t do anything or see anyone because of all the snow we kept getting.  Robert didn't pay me rent for this month either, stating same reason as November and thus starting a bad trend.  Really wanted to go see my sissy Susan for NYE like I always do but she was preggers and I wasn’t feeling good and then the damn snow so I didn’t do anything to bring in 2011 either.  =(

What's been up lately...

I've been sitting here trying to think about what all I want or need to blog about but so many other things keep running through my head.
Let's see I guess I could start with things that have happened since Mother's Day since that was the last blog I wrote other than the book reviews.
Well on Friday the 13th Lily came up from Lawton, OK with her son to visit and spend time with her daughter here at our house.  Sunday I woke up shortly after they left with a sore throat and have been sick ever since.

On the 21st we had some bad storms come through.   Here's some pics of the sky and hail we had. 

But we're all okay and nothing too bad happened.  Other places got hit pretty bad with tornadoes and hail and just high winds though.  My heart goes out to all those in Joplin, MO who lost everything and to the loved ones of those who were killed due to the tornado.

Throughout the last few weeks I had been re-reading a couple books of one of my new favorite authors Mari Mancusi.  She was working on putting her first two books of the blood coven vampire novels into one book for a new release and asked us fans on Facebook for some editing help, if we knew of any errors or whatnot.  I was more than happy to be able to do that since I was already reading them again anyway.  That's part of why I posted my book reviews on here in blogs, to spread the word about her books and to earn points to level up in the Blood Coven University on Facebook.  She's a pretty cool, down to earth writer and really takes time to interact with her fans.  I like it when famous people don't forget about us little people that rely on them for entertainment in our dull lives.  Anyway for helping her she's sending me an advanced copy of her new book that's being released in August, Blood Ties.  I can't wait to get it and read it!!!  I'll also be getting my prize for leveling up in BCU as well and I can't wait to see what it is!  I'll take pics of everything when I get it and post them in a new blog.
So let's see what else has been going on.....hmmmm......Oh Mom and her twin sister (my Aunt Carolyn) just had a birthday it was the 23rd.  Other than more storms nothing much has happened.

Crappy Mother's Day...

So Sunday was Mother's Day and most of our big family got together to go to church to surprise Grandma.  Well lets just say she's the one that ended up surprising us.  She got out of the van just after we arrived at the church and got a little dizzy but seemed to be okay after a few mins and was able to get into the church to sit down.  After most of the family had gotten seated she really started feeling bad, dizzy and nauseated and ready to pass out.  Luckily we have 2 nurses in our family so they came up to check her out and take her vitals and all that stuff and after about 10-15 mins or so Grandma said she wanted an ambulance.  She just was so weak and dizzy she didn't think she was going to make it.  My cousin called 911 and within about 5 mins 2 Sheriffs and 3 Firefighters where there as first responders and were about to talk to our nurses and Mom and I and Grandma to assess what was going on and what was wrong.  The ambulance arrive about 20 mins later and they got her loaded up and after another 10 mins or so we were finally on our way to the hospital.  We spent about 4 hours in the ER and they couldn't figure out a cause for what had happened or anything else so they prescribed her an inhaler to help with her breathing so she's get more oxygen in her system and sent her home with us.  She was pretty wiped out and fell asleep a couple times on the way home and then took a long nap once home.  She felt so bad that all this had to happen on such a nice day when everyone was there to see her and celebrate with her.  Monday was her 96th birthday so that was also what we were there to celebrate with cake after church but we missed all that.  I'm not sure still what caused her to feel so bad, could be an inner ear thing with her crystals being out of place since that has happened before. 
She ended up falling early this morning after going to the bathroom.  About 3:30am Mom came down and woke me up to go help pick Grandma up off the floor and get her back into bed.  Needless to say it took me forever to get back to sleep after that and I didn't sleep worth shit either.  I'm almost afraid to take sleeping pills now because Mom may need me to help with Grandma again in the middle of the night.  She's got an appointment tomorrow to have her ears checked out and hopefully get her crystals back in place and maybe this will fix the problem.
Anyway, that's how my last few days have been.  So if I'm bitchy or distant this is why, I've just got too much stress on my plate right now and really can't handle any more.

Trying to write again.

So I've been really into reading lately and have finished up all the new books I had bought over the last few months and now I have nothing to occupy my time with.  I've been contemplating getting back into my writing.  If you don't already know, for a while I was into writing short erotica stories at least until I came upon a huge writers block and finally gave up on it for a few years.  Well now I'm thinking since I have time on my hands again that maybe I should see if the muse is ready for another go at it.  I've had a few ideas along the years and kept notes on them so now it's time to see what the muse can make out of them.  I'm not sure what all I'll end up writing about but hopefully they'll turn out pretty decent and then I can share them with some friends to get opinions on them.  I can be very picky about my stories so I tend to write and rewrite them several times before I become satisfied with the end result and even sometimes I still end up tweaking those a little more.  Anyway just figured I'd blog a little about that since it's been part of what's been on my mind the last few days or so.

It's been a long time...

I haven't posted on here for quite a while now, almost forgot I had this thing.  I've been messing around with it the last day or so now and putting in blogs that were missing from it and such so it's more complete.  Not sure if I want to get back into the blogging again but been thinking about it, maybe it'll help me a little getting things out on here again.  I know it used to help.  Eventually I'll probably at least do monthly updates unless I have more to talk about.  I guess we'll see how it goes as the days go on.  So if you've been following this at all or just now following you'll know more about me and my life.  Well at the moment I can't think of anything more to say so I guess I'll just post this and go on with my day now.

Last 3 blogs I forgot to post on here that I posted on Myspace...

• |01/11/2010 02:10 pm

Monday, June 01, 2009

I really don't know what to title this, just read at your own risk I guess...

Current mood: blah

Category: Life

So I still don’t understand why it is that people fucking expect me to just get in a happy mood like I can just flip a fucking switch??? I mean really, everyone that knows me knows about me being bi-polar and that it's just not that easy for me especially with a lot of the shit I’ve been through in my life. I just get really sick of it, just because some people can be happy all the time even when bad things happen doesn't mean I can. Yeah I have my good days but sometimes that's a rare thing.

I've been in a real funk off and on lately, somewhere between feeling lost, confused, unwanted, and depressed. I think I really need a break from my life. Everything has been so screwed up lately that sometimes I don't know what end is up anymore or what's going on with who and when and why. Everything is becoming a blur, one big mess and I don't know what to do anymore. I like being single because I like having my space, alone time, and sleeping in my bed alone, but I hate it at the same time because I don't have someone to kiss and cuddle with and spend quality time with. I miss having a really passionate relationship, I need that fire and passion to make me feel wanted and needed.

I really miss some of my old life. I never knew how good my carefree life was back then but when things went down hill I lost all that. I'm not sure who I am anymore or what I want in my life or what I want to do with my life. I do know that I'm very lonely. Yes I tend to complain about this quite a bit anymore but I am still lonely and single. I know I have my family and I have a few select friends I can count on to be there when I need someone to talk to. But there's other friends that just aren't there for me anymore unless they need something or someone to listen to them vent or whine.

The loneliness just keeps building up inside of me and it's so heavy in my heart now. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I've dealt with so many assholes in my life that sometimes it's hard for me to trust men. Plus that has made me so picky when it comes to men too that I just can't settle for less than what I want and what I feel is perfect for me.

Okay, okay I’m just going to shut up and end this. I’m sure those of you that actually read these blogs are pretty sick of hearing the same thing over and over even if I say it different every single time.

Take care everyone! God bless!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Recap and Update blog...

Current mood: frustrated

Category: Life

Well I kinda thought I’d write a recap and update blog…So here goes...

Starting with the bigger events that happened last year, March of last year our good friend Marvin passed away. He was our General Manager at the shop for a little while but he was a friend of the family for several years, basically like an uncle to me. He’s been truly missed by all of us. After he passed away we finally gave up the fight to keep the shop going and closed down for good. Because the shop had done so poorly there was a lot of debt and my mom lost all of her retirement fund in the business with no hope to ever get it back. That’s the end of the recap.

Now on to the update part... My parents had to file bankruptcy last year, this took over 6 months but most of it is finally over and finalized. With the exception of the business loan which had $40,000 attached to our house as part of the collateral in like a 2nd mortgage. They were granted a “stay” from the bankruptcy (which we think is just pure bullshit, but anyway). They think they’re actually 1st mortgage due to some clerical error at the deeds office I guess (I don’t completely understand exactly how it happened but it happened). So because of this, since the business loan bank wants all of their money paid back they’ve started foreclosure proceedings, which in turn has made what should be our 1st mortgage bank prepare to do the same. So you can imagine how the stress levels are around here, in fact Monte has had the shingles for over a couple weeks now or so and has been in a lot of pain because of all this crap that’s been going on here. But with that said we still thought we had some options that turned out to be lies told by my stepdad’s brother, saying they (he and his wife) could help us with a home loan or that their sister said she could help out on buying a house for us. So in thinking that, we started preparing to pack things up so we’d be ready to move out when we found a house that they could buy. Well the getting our hopes up was a waste of time in looking at homes, but the packing up and going through things is still something that will need to be done because we’re most likely going to lose the house anyway. Mom and Monte are going to the home loan bank (the one that’s supposed to be our 1st mortgage that we have escrow through) in the morning to see about this new Home Affordable Modification Loan the government has got going on and see if there’s any possible way we can still try to save the house. Maybe this way if we can save it from foreclosure we can eventually sell it on our own and get another home in Topeka so the drive isn’t so far for everyone to get things they need even like just getting groceries.

So I ask all of you who read this, please say a prayer for us and keep your fingers crossed that something works out and we don’t end up homeless! Also remember to never take anything for granted, you never know when something might happen and take it all away.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Just another update...

Current mood: contemplative

Category: Life

Okay just to update a bit again…

Monte had the shingles for like 2 months, during that time he fell and cracked the back of his head open and had to get 12 staples in it. It looked like a smiley face on the back of his head, I told him we should call him Frankenstein now. 3 weeks later he had a stroke (Sept. 12th) that affected his whole right side and was in the hospital for a week. The head wound healed fine. After all that and the bank foreclosing our house was extremely stress filled. So far Monte’s gotten pretty much all his speech and right side facial movement and quite a bit of the movement in his right leg back but his right arm is the slowest and we’re not sure how much he’ll get back on it. He was going to physical therapy 3 times a week so that helped out a lot. Thank God my Grandmother was able to get a home loan for us so we were able to get a new house. After that got done Monte’s social security disability was approved and we got his back-pay so that has helped out tremendously and makes it so much easier to get things done now. We’re back in Topeka again, less to drive to get to places and to get groceries. It’s been a hard move but we’re finally pretty much done with it all. Still unpacking and putting things away and figuring out what should go where now but it’s coming along pretty well. There are still things at the old house that need to be moved over but it’s mostly the small unimportant stuff now, and lots of things just need to be trashed. Soon Monte will need to start his physical therapy up again; his movement is kinda backpedaling after being off it for 3 weeks now.

Now as for me, well the move had been hard on me physically. I’ve had bruises all over my legs and arms from heavy boxes and things. My back, neck, shoulders and hip has been out of whack for a few weeks now with all the heavy lifting. I think my hip finally worked itself back in place though but lower back is still a little sore and so is my neck and shoulders. But I guess I can say it’s been worth the pain because now I have triple the space that I used to have in the old house so it’s like having an apartment down in the basement. Sure it’s kinda chilly because there are only 2 vents down here and they’re not in my bedroom or living room area but that’s what space heaters were made for. I love all this room and privacy, it’s awesome!!! I was able to arrange everything down here just the way I wanted it so it’s very cozy for me. I do feel a little bad because Grandma’s room is so much smaller than the old house was and same with Mom and Monte’s so they had to downsize a lot to make it work but they still have everything they need and want so it worked out in the end. I had started to date someone on my birthday weekend (which was Nov 15th) and I thought things were going great between us, sure it was tough because he lives in another city and works night shift and was going through a divorce and has a daughter. But that was short lived because he’s going to try to work things out with his wife now (which won’t actually happen but I won’t get into that) and so we’re back to just being friends. So as usual my love life still sucks or is non-existent. So I’m back to giving up on dating and on men (no that doesn’t mean I want women instead) at least for a while until things calm back down in my life again then I may rethink it.

Well I think that’s all I have to report for the time being. I’m looking forward to Christmas weekend and New Years Eve! Also can’t wait to see what 2010 will bring for me, hopefully lots and lots of good things!!! Take care everyone and God bless!

Entry for April 08, 2009

• |04/08/2009 06:18 pm

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Time for a change...Part 2 Current mood: blah Category: Life I know change takes time and lots of work but I keep finding myself turning back to those old ways. I'm too impatient of a person I think most of the time. Changing your life is hard! I try to work on it everyday but some days I just can't seem to see past all the pain, stress, and frustrations to keep moving forward. At times I just don't know if I can really do it anymore. At other times I think why the fuck am I being such a big baby about it all. There's so many things I want to do but I'm too scared to try, too scared of getting hurt again, too scared of hurting someone else. I know I'm a strong and stubborn person but some days I just feel so damn weak and helpless like I just don't matter to anyone anymore. I've got my 2 best friends and I love being able to talk to them but sometimes I just feel like there are some things I just don't know how to say to them about how I'm feeling or about what's wrong or whatever. Maybe this is just my fear of being too weak or maybe I'm just too confused and can't put things into words like I should be able to. I'm not sure what's going to happen from one day to the next and I think that's what's so damn scary to me right now. There are so many things that can go wrong and so many things that have already gone wrong, it just makes a person fear the future too much sometimes. I know I can't change people or the world, I can only work on myself and hope the best for the future and that maybe by making my own little changes it'll help others out too. I wish I had a crystal ball so I could see how things are going to turn out but I don't. I just have to try to take things in faith and pray that God will guide me in the right directions and give me that extra strength when I feel too weak on my own to move forward. I'm scared to death that my life is just going to fall apart even more and I won't be able to do anything about it but just sit there and watch in pain and misery. Some days I just don't know what to do with myself, other days I wish I had more friends to do things with or that could help me out in one way or another. I'm doing the best I can for the time being I guess. I just have to make myself accept my limitations and try to quit being so impatient about things and just work on what I can when I can.

Entry for February 11, 2009

• |02/11/2009 08:25 pm

It's time for a change...

Current mood: determined

I've decided I'm over the "boo-hoo, pity me" phase I've been in for a while now. With that said you either like me or you don't. If you like me then let me know it and show it. If you don't then MOVE THE FUCK ON, DELETE ME FROM YOUR LIFE COMPLETELY - - I DON'T NEED TO DEAL WITH YOUR BULLSHIT ANYMORE!!

From now on I'm going to grab life by its horns and hold on for the wild rides yet to come!

Sure this change is going to be a little slow at first and I'm sure I'll still have a few of those "boo-hoo, pity me" days but I've got 2 of the best friends in the whole world (Jenn and Susan - Love ya bunches!) to help me through the rough times and my mom who has always been my rock to support me in whatever I chose to do with my life. Plus the greatest family anyone could ever ask for who are always willing to help each other out when needed.

So if you think I've been a selfish bitch in the past then I guess I'm only going to get worse because from now on it's ALL about me and MY HAPPINESS. But my TRUE friends know my happiness also includes them and their happiness too. I'm just not going to dwell anymore on who likes me, why someone doesn't like me, and why so&so didn't call or text or email or whatever. I've had enough of the drama and bullshit to last a lifetime already so I refuse to put up with anymore of it. I wasn't put on this earth for you and you alone! I know I'm meant for something great and I'm going to do what I can to find that and I won't back down once I do!

So - "Cheers!" to those that like me/love me - - "Move on!" to those that are jealous or don't like me - - "Fuck you!" to those that hate me.

FRUSTRATED...

• |07/28/2008 07:19 pm

So I was sitting here and I thought I'd try writing an update blog. I'm not sure what I want to write or where it'll all end up going but I'm trying anyway.

I've tried getting back out into the dating thing but it doesn't seem to be working well for me as usual. I get interested in someone and we chat for a couple weeks maybe then he disappears for a couple weeks and finally messages me to tell me he's found someone. Go figure, the 2 weeks of silence was pretty much a dead give away asshole!

Then there are the ones that are younger than I like to date(so under 26 years old) but they are cute or handsome so I think, okay if they think I'm that hot maybe I'll see what happens, maybe they're more mature than I think they are. But they just want me for their fantasy (fuck an older hot chick) dream. If I wanted just sex, I could get that anywhere and anytime and from someone much more experienced. That's not what I want, at least not all I want. I want a REAL relationship, something that lasts longer than 2 months and has more to it than just sex and chatting online.

Tell me why is it when a guy is interested he doesn't mind making the first initial contact but after that he for some reason expects the woman to do everything else to keep it all going??? Here's a hint guys: if you like a woman let her know by messaging her whenever you think about her, or call or text her, try to get to know more about her and who she is as a person not just what she looks like naked or close to naked. Hell put forth some effort, maybe even surprise her by sending her flowers or even just a card. Be more original than the "hey babe, how ya doing?" stuff.

And why is it men feel the need to cheat? I know women cheat too, I'm not saying we don't. But a man that is supposedly happy in a relationship or marriage and getting good/great sex on a regular basis from the woman….why does he need to look elsewhere?

As for things that are going okay in my life….well other than I finally got the friends buying what was my father's house from me to get caught up on payments and pay me regularly and on time….nothing else good to report.

Some of you already know that my parents' shop had major financial problems and was forced to shut down for good the end of March this year. For me that means no more income not that I was actually getting paid most of the time anyway. We still have a few vehicles left to finish that we had started for customers before closing the business but all that money goes straight to the supply bills and the business loan. I get nothing, my parents get nothing. I wish I didn't have to help do any of it but my stepdad can't do it all by himself, his eyes-hands-knees-back are all too bad now to continue doing it alone. So mom with her bad shoulders-migranes and I with my bad shoulders-neck-back-allergies have to pitch in and do a lot for him. Not fair I know, it was his business and he's the only one that wanted it, but that's life and family and it's got to be done or we could chance losing our house.

Then there are my "fair-weather" friends…the ones that only talk to me when they want something, need something, or have no one else to bitch to about something fucked up in their life. Why is it I'm important enough then and only then to be your best friend but not any other time? Sure people grow older, things change in their lives, they get busier and different jobs…but does that mean the friendship has to get put on the back burner until something is so fucked up that only I can listen to it and help you through it? Don't get me wrong I truly care about all my friends, and I love my close friends like family, but things like that just make me feel meaningless and used. I've had friends that have gotten married and never bothered to tell me or invite me and I don't find out until like 3 months later when they complain to me about their "wife" or "husband". It's like damn I really am not important enough of a friend for you to even remember to include me somehow in something that's supposed to be a special time in your life. I've also have friends that don't tell me they're pregnant or their girlfriend is pregnant until after the baby is already born and like 4 months old, "oh hey by the way I have a son and he looks just like me". Gee didn't you think you could have told me that when you first found out? I just don't understand people anymore. Sometimes it makes me want to become a hermit, but I don't get out much anymore anyway so I'm not sure what else could make it worse. I really wish I had the money to just move far away, maybe start a whole brand new life somewhere and never look back at those people who can't seem to make time for me and our friendship.

L O N E L Y . . .

• |02/09/2008 10:14 am

Saturday, January 19, 2008

L o n e l y . . . Current mood: lonely Category: Life So I've had a lot of time to sit around and think since I've been sick this last week and been home pretty much alone this weekend. I'm not sure it's a good thing that I've had this much time to think so much but that's about all I can do. I really miss some of my old life. I never knew how good my carefree life was back then but when things went down hill I lost all that. I'm not sure who I am anymore or what I want in my life or what I want to do with my life. I do know that I'm very lonely. Yes I tend to complain about this quite a bit anymore but I am still lonely and single. I know I have my family and I have a few select friends I can count on to be there when I need someone to talk to. But there's other friends that just aren't there for me anymore unless they need something or someone to listen to them vent or whine. The loneliness just keeps building up inside of me and it's so heavy in my heart now. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I've dealt with so many assholes in my life that sometimes it's hard for me to trust men. Plus that has made me so picky when it comes to men too that I just can't settle for less than what I want and what I feel is perfect for me. I don't know what else to do anymore. I feel like by the time I find the perfect one I'll be too old to care about sharing my little life anymore. I know finding a man that likes a strong, stubborn bitch that voices her opinion freely and doesn't mind taking control of everything will be extremely hard maybe damn near impossible but I'm still hopeful.

Updating with my last 3 blogs from Myspace...

• |01/07/2008 08:18 pm

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Confused heart...Restless mind... Current mood: curious Category: Life I'm not quite sure what I really want this blog to be about but I just felt like I needed to write and maybe vent or something. I know some of my friends are going through some pretty rough times and I wish there was something I could do but I'm also going through a lot of crap in my own life right now too so that makes it hard for me to even think about trying to help anyone else. I do love you all, and believe it or not you are always on my mind, no matter what hell I'm going through I'm still here for all of you and I want every single one of my friends to know that. Each and everyone one of you are so great in your own way and I wouldn't trade our friendship for the world because you all make me feel truly blessed. I've got a birthday coming up next month and I've decided that regardless of the current debt that I'm in I need to take some time for myself for a change and do something I really want to do. I'm taking my mom and we're going to go play around in Los Angeles and Hollywood for a week, take in the sites and maybe if I'm lucky I can get a tattoo for my birthday by Kat Von D (that would be so wicked!). I know mom needs a vacation too so that's why I'm bringing her and I don't really want to go by myself plus it'll be good bonding time. She's my best friend in the whole world and my rock. Without her I'd probably be dead by now, morbid thought I know but very true none the less.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Confused heart...Restless mind...Part 2 Current mood: confused Category: Life So I know I just wrote a blog last night but still feeling like I have more inside me that needs to come out in some way and this seems to be the best and most convenient option. I'm not really sure what I want to say so this may jump around a lot between subjects and what not. I feel so emotionally drained but yet there's just sooooo much bottled up still. I could cry every night but it still wouldn't release all the pain and stress. I'm not really sure how to put some of this into words and some things I'm not sure I really want everyone that reads my blogs to know but I'm going to try to just let as much out as I possibly can and just not care what others may have to say about it. I know in other blogs I've said that I don't like to let all my friends know about all my problems and short comings and flaws but if I can't count on my friends to be honest with me then what kind of friend am I for not being completely honest with them. Truthfully I guess I'm kind of ashamed about some of my problems even though there's not much I can really do about some of them, I was born that way and I just got what my parents and God gave me. Yes I have Type 2 bi-polar disorder, I got that from my dad and he had Type 1 bi-polar disorder (I still think there's more wrong with me than just that but nothing has been confirmed yet)…what that means is I get depressed a whole lot more and I still have times when I go manic but those episodes don't last more than a day…that also means my dad was manic more often and so living with him in those episodes when I was a teenager was very, very hard for me because it pushed me further into depression and I felt the need to cut myself, drink, or attempt suicide. I also turned to sex more then too because it made me feel more loved and wanted and needed. So to sum it up in junior high and high school I was a depressed slut with an alcohol problem and a cutter. Most don't really know that about me, and even my closest friends didn't know all of it at the time either. As of now I'm pretty much sober and continuing to stay that way, I rarely have sex anymore and haven't felt the need for it like I used to, I had stopped cutting myself for a very long time but after my dad died things got pretty bad for me and I went back to cutting again. The only thing I'm proud of is that I was able to quit drinking and smoking on my own and that I have been able to continue to control my drinking, but I have to be honest I miss the sex a little but I've grown up and realized it's just not as good without love and so I will continue to go without it until I find someone I can be in a real relationship with. Now for the harder part, putting into words some of the other things I'm feeling or dealing with. I'm lonely. I know I have friends but most live at least 2 hours away and all have busy lives and not much time for me, but that's not really the loneliness I'm talking about. I miss being in love and being loved by a man. I've tried dating so many times but as I've said before most relationships haven't lasted but maybe 3 months if that. Maybe that's mostly my fault but I'm not sure since I'm usually the one that gets dumped and then finds out the ex is in a new relationship less than 3 weeks later. I am still friends with some of my exs. I still have deep feelings for another one but he doesn't have those feelings for me and most likely never will. I've tried putting those feelings behind me but that's one heartbreak that hasn't ever healed and I'm not sure ever really will. I had thought once maybe he was my soul mate but I'm not really sure what to think anymore. I don't know if I believe there really is a soul mate out there for me. And if there was then wouldn't he feel that deep longing in his heart to be with me too? Maybe I'm just too messed up and have too many problems to have a soul mate. Maybe that's not in God's plan for me. Or I guess maybe I just haven't met him yet. It just really sucks. I'm the only one of my girlfriends that hasn't been married yet, at least once. Always a bridesmaid and never the bride. Maybe that's the way it's meant to be for me but I don't feel like it's fair.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

L.A., Hollywood, and Beverly Hills... Current mood: lazy Category: Travel and Places Hey all I got back from my birthday vacation on sunday. Boy am I glad to be back home!!! The motel room was fairly crappy, guess that's what you get for a cheap deal. There wasn't even an alarm clock in the room. The beds were pretty hard and the pillows were crappy. We had a decent time but the only stars I saw were in the sidewalks on Hollywood Blvd. Walk of Fame. I wasn't able to meet Kat Von D. :( She wasn't in the shop when I went in on Saturday when they opened at noon. :( I wasn't able to get tattooed out there either. :( Was pretty disappointed but then most of that is my fault since I wasn't feeling good and didn't make an appointment. Mom and I walked around MacArthur Park the first afternoon after we got there in L.A. and I think at one time it used to be a beautiful park but not so much anymore. The next day we went to see the Hollywood sign and the Hollywood Walk of Fame. I took a bunch of pics of that stuff. After that we mostly drove around to see what all was around there to look at. Traffic was HELL on the 101 most of the time. We took two afternoons to look at the Hollywood Walk of Fame and still didn't see them all because of the 1 hour time limit for parking plus it was kinda hot out there. We went to Universal City Walk which was kinda neat but didn't go into Universal Studios because I didn't want to pay like $64 a person to get in. Yeah I'm cheap sometimes sorry! Mom got me a tshirt at the Hard Rock Cafe with a tiger and dragon on it since I wasn't able to get my tattoo. We also drove and walked down Rodeo Drive. I thought about going into some of the stores but figured there wasn't anything I could afford in them anyway so just have fun looking around. Love ya all!! ~Val~

A small look inside...

• |06/18/2007 11:04 pm

So I know some of you know that since my father died last year I've been having a really hard time. Things were starting to get better after a while but then with the one year anniversary of his death hitting me this last month and some stressful things with work and other personal things, I've been in a real funk lately. I'm at a point that I'm just not sure what to do with myself anymore, I may have a good day here and there but mostly it's been pretty bad for me. Normally I don't let these things show much because I don't want to burden any of my friends and family with my problems, I'd rather they be happy and not worry about me. Anyway I guess the reason I'm sharing all this now is because I need a way to try to release some of this pain. I've tried so hard to be there for all my friends through all their problems and to keep a strong shoulder for them and a smile on my face while all the time burring the pain I'm going through deep down inside. This really isn't working for me anymore. I'm miserable and tired of keeping my feelings inside. I'm so tired of being the strong one, tired of being the one everyone depends on for help and support. I want to know what it takes to get that back in return. When do I get to be the weak one? When do I get the shoulder to cry on? Why do I have do have to go through everything alone? Why is it everything I do seems to be the wrong thing? I know this doesn't apply to a couple of my best friends who really have been there for me and know some of what I'm dealing with but for the rest, well I feel used and unappreciated like I only matter to them when they need me and only for that period of time. I just don't understand why some think everything is so easy to fix like I can just push a button and the things I don't like in myself and my life will either disappear or be fixed automatically. I wish it were all that easy, I wish I had the money to fix certain problems and the willpower and strength to fix others. It's like some people don't realize it really does take money to fix things and when you don't have money you can't fix them. It takes money to have a car, buy gas, pay for insurance just so you can drive around to find a job. It takes money to pay bills while looking for a job. It takes money to have food to fix so you have something to eat and don't starve. It takes money to look nice for job interviews and to print off resumes and all that. When you don't already have money it's hard to actually have it to do all the things necessary for a new job. As for other things wrong with me such as allergies and manic-depression, well that takes money too to buy medication to control either of them. Again without money that's hard to fix. Some people think I need to get out more, try to do more things to keep myself entertained instead of spending so much time sitting in my little bedroom where it's easier to dwell on all my problems. Well yet again that takes money to go out and have fun at a bar, to go play pool, to go to a movie, to drive to the lake and walk around, to go visit friends. So since there is no money to spare there's no since in trying to do anything else outside of this house. Yes I'm in pain, yes I'm going through a lot of hard times right now, yes I tend to take on too much stress especially when my family is going through a really rough financial time too. But honestly there's not anything I can do to fix that. Not without money at least. I don't know how many days where I've just been sitting here and started crying for what seems like no real reason. I've gotten to the point that I'm pretty bitchy to be around, I've lost almost all tolerance, and sometimes the smallest things just really piss me off. I've tried so hard to control all this on my own. Medication doesn't really work but for maybe a month if that and I can't afford it. Sometimes all I feel like doing is running a blade across my skin just so I can feel a different kind of pain and have my brain ignore the rest for a while.

Probably my last blog for the year...

• |12/20/2006 10:09 am

Well I think this will probably the last update I do for this year. Let's see what's happened since my last blog.

For those of you who actually know anything about Ken and what's been going on in the shop...Ken's in the Tennessee jail now as of November 15th awaiting his trial that is in February, he was picked up on a probation violation for child molestation, in other words he was never supposed to be in Kansas or any other state other than TN. I'm sure he'll probably end up serving out his 3 year probation in prison. That left us with a big fucking mess at the shop to deal with on customers and estimates that were too low and screwed up, so there have been some lawsuit threats and such.

Umm, let’s see…Oh Lily’s having a boy, she’s due mid January. I think she’s chosen Michael Elliot for his name. I kinda like it, it’s definitely better than the other ones she was thinking about. She’s transferred from Ft. Campbell to Ft. Sill now so she’s only a 4-5 hour drive away from us and her daughter which is better than the 10 hour drive before.

We had our big family dinner for Thanksgiving on December 2 nd , had about 35 people at our house which normally we have like 40-50 people. It was nice, had a lot of good deserts and turkey and ham and all that good stuff too. I of course ate too much and had to wait to eat my deserts.

On December 10th , we had our Christmas dinner for the classic car club we belong to. I got nominated to be the newsletter editor so each month I’ll be typing everything up and getting in printed and mailing them out. The club adopted 17 children this year to buy Christmas presents for whose families have fallen on hard times and can’t afford to get nice things for them. We wrapped all the gifts on the 16th and delivered them on the 17th .

My computer went craps on me again so I spent Monday night and yesterday fixing it and getting everything set up on it again. Our friend Marvin is going to switch motherboards with me, he’s got a used one that’s got a 1.7ghz processor on it and 512mb ddr memory which is new than mine so maybe it will help fix the problems I’ve been having with it.

Well I think that’s pretty much everything, if I missed anything I’m sure I’ll end up blogging about it later. Oh I do have one more thing, I’m going to spend New Year’s Eve with my good friend Susan and her husband! I can’t wait! I’m excited to see them and their house and my grandpuppies and their kitties. It’s going to be a good time I’m sure.

Have a safe and happy holidays everyone! Take care of yourselves, your families, and friends!

Fed up, Stressed out, Depressed...

• |10/23/2006 01:17 pm

Ok I need to release some of this pain and stress on to you unknowing, and probably unwilling victims but I hope you can all forgive me because I just can't handle this all on my own anymore. OK so to update, my father passed away May 28th of this year, I'm finally just now getting the final death certificates but they won't be ready for me to pick them up until Wednesday. The coroner took for fucking ever determining the final cause of death. So to top that off since my father didn't have a will I will have to find a lawyer so I can sell my dad's house. The bad part of that is I don't have a job or any money to pay a lawyer up front so that means I have to try to find one that will work for me and wait to get paid out of the proceeds of selling the house. I'm tired of being stuck in this hell, I just want it all to go away so I can try to get past it and maybe live a semi-normal life again. I'm tired of crying for no real apparent reason, just because something on TV or the radio reminds me of something about my dad or what I won't have when the time comes that I actually get married. I'm tired of not being able to sleep much anymore at night. I'm tired of being stressed out. I'm tired of getting taken advantage of by my friends who can't seem to understand that I have a lot of shit to deal with already and the fact that I allowed them to move into my father's home before I officially sold it to them doesn't seem to register with them because they continued to be late with the rent and with the cell phone bill payments and now on top of that they've been using ALL my minutes so if I try to use the phone there will be overage charges which they're already accruing because they can't seem to grasp the reality that they use the phone too damn much at the wrong times of the day. I know I'm to blame for some of this because I was stupid enough to allow myself to put them on my account and all that, but DAMN how hard is it to wait to use the phone until 9pm or till the weekend or to only use it for very important phone calls that shouldn't last more than 15 minutes each or so?!??! You'd think after I bitched about it twice that they'd get it through their heads but apparently not. I can't take this anymore, I feel like I just want someone to shoot me in the head and put me out of my misery. I need a nice long vacation away from everyone and everything here. I think I've dealt with enough pain and suffering in my life already I really don't want to ever have to deal with anymore until I'm 90 years old, if I can even make it to that age. I've already had cancer, I've dealt with losing 3 grandparents and 2 stepgrandparents so I have one grandma who lives with us left, I've dealt with losing 2 friends, 2 aunts, 2 uncles, 3 cousins, I've dealt with losing people I was close to that were family members of people I was in relationships with, and losing my own father. To me I think that's enough, in fact I think it's way too much.