If you know me already then you know that I'm somewhat private about my very personal parts of my life and don't let people know what I am really going through so doing this will probably open up some very old wounds, but I think I need to do it in order to help others and maybe even myself. I'm not exactly sure where or how to start this so please bear with me as I struggle through it.
I learned at a very early age that my father never wanted me. He never wanted to be a father but was willing to give my mother a child in hopes that it would be a boy, but to his disappointment I was a girl. As I grew up, I started to see how other fathers adored their daughters and showed them love and wanted to protect them from harm. I also learned from family members that even as a helpless little baby he refused to help take care of me because I wasn't a boy. I tried to make him love me by being a tomboy and trying to learn from him and do things he liked doing such as working on cars and other things around the house, fetching him tools, learning how to play pool even though I had to stand on a chair to reach the table good enough, and then eventually racing go-carts when I was old enough to qualify to do it. Nothing I did ever made him tell me that he loved me or that he was proud of me and so I finally started to give up around the age of 11. This made me search for attention and love in different ways from guys who I probably knew weren't going to be good for me, but I craved it anyway.
Fast forward to when I was 15 1/2 years old, I ended up running away that summer because my father was laid off at the time and was being abusive to me while my mother was at work. I was staying with my 3rd boyfriend and his uncle and family at the time and ended up getting raped by said boyfriend and his uncle saved me from him and beat his ass for what he did to me. I went home that night and never told anyone what had happened including my mother who came and got me.
Fast forward to when I was 17 years old and my mother had finally had enough of the kind of hell we were living in because of my father and filed for divorce, she left and moved in with her best friend while I had to stay with my father for the summer because I had to finish summer school and couldn't leave the school district. During this time my father and I had and argument about my boyfriend at the time and he tried to take away my car (which I paid for with my saved-up allowance and babysitting money) and we got into a physical fight during which he tried to break my arm luckily, he didn't. I immediately called my grandmother (his mom) and told her what happened and asked if I could stay a couple days with her until the weekend when I could go stay with my mom. She came over right away and threated to beat my father with her cast iron skillet which she brought with her for what he tried to do to me. After that I lived with my mother and her best friend. Unfortunately, I still had bad judgement in guys, and I got raped later that summer by a guy who an Ex of mine introduced me to and he got me pregnant (the Ex beat the crap out of him for it all) but I lost the baby at a little over 2 months along which was probably a good thing since I was about to be a senior in high school that year.
Fast forward to when I was 19 years old, I ran into an Ex of mine (someone I dated barely over a month) while I was out with a guy friend of mine playing pool. We decided to go back to the friend's apartment to party a little more and the Ex decided that rape was the kind of partying he had in mind and basically forced my guy friend to participate in it too.
So, as you can see, I didn't have the greatest time growing up. Maybe I will share a little more of my life in a future post. I hope that this helps someone know that they are not alone and that even if you think you can't go on anymore that you are stronger than you believe, you can get through it, get the help you need and please don't give up!!!
