The Complexity That Is Me...

So here I am yet again trying to decide what to do in my life, where I want it to go, who I want to be a part of it, and trying to figure out why I seem to keep repeating the same mistakes, and when will things go right for me for a change.
 
Some of you might think that I think way too much, and well maybe that is true but that’s just how I have always been and I don’t see that ever changing.  I can see why people think this and why it concerns them because since I tend to think so much I also tend to worry about things more and stress out even more as a result of it all.  I get frustrated with things very easily and lack the patience that is needed to just deal with everyday life.
 
I’m not sure how I can explain the complexity that is me.  Okay maybe I’m not really that complex but I know I’m a strange and unique individual, some people may have some similar qualities as me but none are exactly like me or ever will be.  So to try to explain how my mind works is a hard thing to do.  People have gut instincts or use rationalization in their thinking and such, but for me sometimes it’s just something I know, can’t explain how or why I do but I just do.  It’s not quite a psychic ability really, at least I don’t see it that way, I just have this strange ability to be able to read a person and a situation and can usually “predict” how it will work or turn out.  But all this seems to only work for everyone but me, I can’t seem to “predict” what is going to happen with me, or how things with play out in my own life.  This makes it even more frustrating to me because even when I do think I might have that feeling deep in my gut about something or someone it’s usually too late by then for me to do anything about it.  I suck at doing the right thing in my life I guess and that’s the most frustrating thing of all.  Lots of times all the gut instincts, rational thinking, people and situation reading just doesn’t work for me so I end up hurt and miserable and not knowing what could have been done to prevent it.
 
I know life isn’t easy for everyone, and it’s never been easy for me, never will be either.  We all have our ups and downs, and some like me have had more downs than ups but we all get through it in our own ways.  My way is just trying to be able to go a whole day without feeling like I want to cry for hours when things aren’t going good for me.  I try to just ignore what I’m feeling a lot of the time and stick my head into reading, or watching tv, or listening to music and pretend I have this great life that I will never have.
 
I’m not saying that God dealt me the worst hand of cards ever but maybe not the greatest one and it’s hard to know what I need to do with them to be able to come out on top or at least break even in this game of life.
 
So here I am 36 years old and still trying to ponder the meaning of life.  Well maybe not so much the meaning of life itself, but the meaning of my life is probably more accurate.  I don’t know what my life means in this world, what I’m supposed to be doing with it, if I’m already doing what I’m supposed to be doing or all I can be doing, who is meant to be in my life or if I’m missing some people that are key players in it.  Will I ever feel fulfilled in my life?  Will I ever find that one man I’m meant to spend the rest of my life with?  Will I ever get married?  What is in store for me in the future, and will it make me happy finally?  There’s just way too many questions to ever find all the answers to and I can’t keep going on driving myself crazier trying to figure out what I’ll probably never be able to.  Plain and simple, I’m completely lost in my life and don’t know what to do.

Entry for June 07, 2011

So let's see...Went to do some clean up work at what I call my rental property (Dad's old house) last Friday.  Had Nate meet us there so he could check things out and get an idea of what needs to be fixed right away before moving in and what can be worked on afterward in August or so.
On Saturday Mom, Monte and I went to Clinton, MO for Monte's Aunt and Uncle's 50th wedding anniversary party.  It was nice, nothing too big or formal or anything, but tasteful.  I however was pretty exhausted after driving there and back and being up earlier than I'm used to.
Today I went over and cleaned some more, swept out most of the rooms, cleaned a little in the kitchen and got the trash out of the house.  Robert met me over there today after he got off work and got the trash and crappy recliner sofa he had left moved out to the end of the driveway.  I'm going to try to go back over Thursday to do some more cleaning and maybe see what I can get out of the attic that the jackasses that lived there before Robert had left.  If I can't get it all then I'll probably go back Friday.  Trying to do it on days that aren't over 95 degrees which makes it hard now.  I think that pretty much covers everything for now so with that I'll end this and post it.  TTFN!

Might as well do a recap of 2011 so far too...

Yes I don't have much of a life and am bored enough to write yet another blog making this the 3rd one in 24 hours.  But this time I'll start from January 2011 and move on to the end of April.
Umm as usual in Kansas, January was filled with lots of snow and very cold weather.  So needless to say I didn't do much, didn't feel well either due to lots of allergy attacks whenever the snow storms rolled in, mostly sat around reading books and watching tv and movies.  Yet again Robert didn't pay me rent, which if you read the recap of 2010 blog you learned he didn't pay me for November and December.  By this point I'm getting pretty livid about it and I think towards the end of the month he finally paid me $100.  Rent is $320 a month plus a $30 late fee if not paid on or before the 15th.
Which leads us to February.  Jamez visited the weekend of the 11th thru 13th.  Valentine's Day was the 14th which was uneventful as usual for me.  Also everyone in my house got the flu and it took forever to get over it.  So other than Jamez visiting the one weekend I didn't do anything interesting or exciting, mostly just sat around feeling old and lonely.  Oh my sissy Jenn moved back to Texas from Virginia close to the end of this month too.  Robert again didn't pay me rent, pissing me off even further.  I give him another warning and he pays me another $100.
Now we're at March.   I'm still sick with the flu and sinus infection starting this month out.  Had to drive back and forth to Wichita a couple times to meet up with Lily to take her daughter Alyssa to her and to bring my niece Mikaela to see her dad and then back a week later after spring break ended to switch them again.  Had snow, then rain and my allergies were hell after getting over the other sickness.  Jamez visited on the 19th.  Monte's birthday was the 21st and we went out to eat for it.  Jamez visited again on the 26th.  Got word on the 31st that if I didn't pay the back taxes for 2007, 2008, and something on 2009 then I would lose my dad's old house to tax foreclosure.  And yet again Robert still didn't pay me rent other than $120 that he still owed on November.
April, well naturally it started out really shitty after just finding out I could lose my only form of income, which isn't that much to begin with anyway when the person actually pays me.  I had to borrow $1900 from my family to save the house and pay on the back property taxes.  Eventually around the 15th I informed Robert that unless he paid me the $1,550 he owes me before the end of the month then he needs to be moved out by the end of May.  He agreed that was more than fair and was expecting it sooner than when I finally gave up, also said he'd pay me what he owes me as soon as he gets some money.
Which now brings us back to this month of May.  Still haven't gotten any money out of Robert.  I already blogged about the rest of this month so far.  So with that I'll end this one and go watch tv.

RECAP OF 2010.

Well I know I just did a little recap blog about what’s been happening this month so far but since I had gone so long without blogging before that maybe I should do a recap of things that have happened over the last year or so.
So let’s see…to try to recap 2010...

Hmmm starting with January, all I can remember is getting lots of snow. 

Toward the end of the month or so I started dating Jamez again cuz his wife dumped him yet again at the beginning of the month.

In February I went to visit my sissy Susan.

We had a good time together as always.  =)  Umm hung out with Jamez a couple weekends too. 

Towards the end of March my mother fell in the garage and broke her hip and had to have a full hip replacement done.  =(  But Monte actually helped out some while she was on the mend and started vacuuming the house.

In April I was still dating Jamez, went to one of his A.B.A.T.E. of Kansas meetings and met a few nice people.
Umm I also got two new pairs of glasses during this month too.

Then the 22nd-28th I went with him and his daughter Breonna to Disney World for my very first time.  =)    It was really nice until the last day and then my feet were so sore and blistered I couldn’t do anything.

 
I brought home Mom and Monte a couple t-shirts.

I can’t remember anything for May really except for birthdays, on the 9th Grandma turned 95 and on the 23rd Mom and Aunt Carolyn turned 60 and on the 29th my grand-puppies turned 5.

Don’t really remember much for June other than I think that’s when Jamez and I stopped seeing each other and had a few big stupid fights via text and msn messenger.

July was a shitty ass month.  The so-called friends I had living in my rental house decided to move out without notice and were behind 2 months on rent.  They trashed the house (holes punched in three walls, windows broken, dog shit everywhere, carpets ruined, back of house trashed by dogs), stole all the appliances (washer, dryer, stove, stand-up freezer, refrigerator, and microwave) I had let them use, and they even took the bathroom sink and vanity.  I had to file a police report for the theft and criminal damages to the home.  $3,000 in total loses there plus $2,800 in back taxes they owed on top of the $640 they owed me for rent.  I’ve never saw the money for any of it and don’t think the police ever truly did anything after filing the report.

August, I let another friend of mine Robert move into my rental house.  An old friend of mine Jim did a photo shoot for me, we went to Lake Shawnee and Gage Park, and Ward Mead Park.  It was fun hanging out with him and we got to catch up some while he took pics.  Here’s a few of my favorites from the shoot.

After that I kinda started going back and forth between dating Jamez and Robert, I was very confused with who and what I wanted.  I have issues with men anymore, too high of standards I guess even when I try to lower them.

September, don’t think too much happened during this month other than hanging out with Robert.

October, again can’t think of anything big or important going on during this month, was still hanging out with Robert.

November, well the 15th was my birthday, turned 36, Robert took me out to dinner for it.  Not much else happened this month other than Robert stopped paying me rent, supposedly due to him not making any money at the shop he works at.

December, Robert’s birthday was on the 3rd which is also the day I quit dating him because of some shit he pulled on that day too.  What can I say my luck with men is just shitty like most of my life.

Christmas was boring, didn’t do anything or see anyone because of all the snow we kept getting.  Robert didn't pay me rent for this month either, stating same reason as November and thus starting a bad trend.  Really wanted to go see my sissy Susan for NYE like I always do but she was preggers and I wasn’t feeling good and then the damn snow so I didn’t do anything to bring in 2011 either.  =(

What's been up lately...

I've been sitting here trying to think about what all I want or need to blog about but so many other things keep running through my head.
Let's see I guess I could start with things that have happened since Mother's Day since that was the last blog I wrote other than the book reviews.
Well on Friday the 13th Lily came up from Lawton, OK with her son to visit and spend time with her daughter here at our house.  Sunday I woke up shortly after they left with a sore throat and have been sick ever since.

On the 21st we had some bad storms come through.   Here's some pics of the sky and hail we had. 

But we're all okay and nothing too bad happened.  Other places got hit pretty bad with tornadoes and hail and just high winds though.  My heart goes out to all those in Joplin, MO who lost everything and to the loved ones of those who were killed due to the tornado.

Throughout the last few weeks I had been re-reading a couple books of one of my new favorite authors Mari Mancusi.  She was working on putting her first two books of the blood coven vampire novels into one book for a new release and asked us fans on Facebook for some editing help, if we knew of any errors or whatnot.  I was more than happy to be able to do that since I was already reading them again anyway.  That's part of why I posted my book reviews on here in blogs, to spread the word about her books and to earn points to level up in the Blood Coven University on Facebook.  She's a pretty cool, down to earth writer and really takes time to interact with her fans.  I like it when famous people don't forget about us little people that rely on them for entertainment in our dull lives.  Anyway for helping her she's sending me an advanced copy of her new book that's being released in August, Blood Ties.  I can't wait to get it and read it!!!  I'll also be getting my prize for leveling up in BCU as well and I can't wait to see what it is!  I'll take pics of everything when I get it and post them in a new blog.
So let's see what else has been going on.....hmmmm......Oh Mom and her twin sister (my Aunt Carolyn) just had a birthday it was the 23rd.  Other than more storms nothing much has happened.

Crappy Mother's Day...

So Sunday was Mother's Day and most of our big family got together to go to church to surprise Grandma.  Well lets just say she's the one that ended up surprising us.  She got out of the van just after we arrived at the church and got a little dizzy but seemed to be okay after a few mins and was able to get into the church to sit down.  After most of the family had gotten seated she really started feeling bad, dizzy and nauseated and ready to pass out.  Luckily we have 2 nurses in our family so they came up to check her out and take her vitals and all that stuff and after about 10-15 mins or so Grandma said she wanted an ambulance.  She just was so weak and dizzy she didn't think she was going to make it.  My cousin called 911 and within about 5 mins 2 Sheriffs and 3 Firefighters where there as first responders and were about to talk to our nurses and Mom and I and Grandma to assess what was going on and what was wrong.  The ambulance arrive about 20 mins later and they got her loaded up and after another 10 mins or so we were finally on our way to the hospital.  We spent about 4 hours in the ER and they couldn't figure out a cause for what had happened or anything else so they prescribed her an inhaler to help with her breathing so she's get more oxygen in her system and sent her home with us.  She was pretty wiped out and fell asleep a couple times on the way home and then took a long nap once home.  She felt so bad that all this had to happen on such a nice day when everyone was there to see her and celebrate with her.  Monday was her 96th birthday so that was also what we were there to celebrate with cake after church but we missed all that.  I'm not sure still what caused her to feel so bad, could be an inner ear thing with her crystals being out of place since that has happened before. 
She ended up falling early this morning after going to the bathroom.  About 3:30am Mom came down and woke me up to go help pick Grandma up off the floor and get her back into bed.  Needless to say it took me forever to get back to sleep after that and I didn't sleep worth shit either.  I'm almost afraid to take sleeping pills now because Mom may need me to help with Grandma again in the middle of the night.  She's got an appointment tomorrow to have her ears checked out and hopefully get her crystals back in place and maybe this will fix the problem.
Anyway, that's how my last few days have been.  So if I'm bitchy or distant this is why, I've just got too much stress on my plate right now and really can't handle any more.

Trying to write again.

So I've been really into reading lately and have finished up all the new books I had bought over the last few months and now I have nothing to occupy my time with.  I've been contemplating getting back into my writing.  If you don't already know, for a while I was into writing short erotica stories at least until I came upon a huge writers block and finally gave up on it for a few years.  Well now I'm thinking since I have time on my hands again that maybe I should see if the muse is ready for another go at it.  I've had a few ideas along the years and kept notes on them so now it's time to see what the muse can make out of them.  I'm not sure what all I'll end up writing about but hopefully they'll turn out pretty decent and then I can share them with some friends to get opinions on them.  I can be very picky about my stories so I tend to write and rewrite them several times before I become satisfied with the end result and even sometimes I still end up tweaking those a little more.  Anyway just figured I'd blog a little about that since it's been part of what's been on my mind the last few days or so.

It's been a long time...

I haven't posted on here for quite a while now, almost forgot I had this thing.  I've been messing around with it the last day or so now and putting in blogs that were missing from it and such so it's more complete.  Not sure if I want to get back into the blogging again but been thinking about it, maybe it'll help me a little getting things out on here again.  I know it used to help.  Eventually I'll probably at least do monthly updates unless I have more to talk about.  I guess we'll see how it goes as the days go on.  So if you've been following this at all or just now following you'll know more about me and my life.  Well at the moment I can't think of anything more to say so I guess I'll just post this and go on with my day now.