- |06/18/2007 11:04 pm
So I know some of you know that since my father died last year I've been having a really hard time. Things were starting to get better after a while but then with the one year anniversary of his death hitting me this last month and some stressful things with work and other personal things, I've been in a real funk lately. I'm at a point that I'm just not sure what to do with myself anymore, I may have a good day here and there but mostly it's been pretty bad for me. Normally I don't let these things show much because I don't want to burden any of my friends and family with my problems, I'd rather they be happy and not worry about me. Anyway I guess the reason I'm sharing all this now is because I need a way to try to release some of this pain. I've tried so hard to be there for all my friends through all their problems and to keep a strong shoulder for them and a smile on my face while all the time burring the pain I'm going through deep down inside. This really isn't working for me anymore. I'm miserable and tired of keeping my feelings inside. I'm so tired of being the strong one, tired of being the one everyone depends on for help and support. I want to know what it takes to get that back in return. When do I get to be the weak one? When do I get the shoulder to cry on? Why do I have do have to go through everything alone? Why is it everything I do seems to be the wrong thing? I know this doesn't apply to a couple of my best friends who really have been there for me and know some of what I'm dealing with but for the rest, well I feel used and unappreciated like I only matter to them when they need me and only for that period of time. I just don't understand why some think everything is so easy to fix like I can just push a button and the things I don't like in myself and my life will either disappear or be fixed automatically. I wish it were all that easy, I wish I had the money to fix certain problems and the willpower and strength to fix others. It's like some people don't realize it really does take money to fix things and when you don't have money you can't fix them. It takes money to have a car, buy gas, pay for insurance just so you can drive around to find a job. It takes money to pay bills while looking for a job. It takes money to have food to fix so you have something to eat and don't starve. It takes money to look nice for job interviews and to print off resumes and all that. When you don't already have money it's hard to actually have it to do all the things necessary for a new job. As for other things wrong with me such as allergies and manic-depression, well that takes money too to buy medication to control either of them. Again without money that's hard to fix. Some people think I need to get out more, try to do more things to keep myself entertained instead of spending so much time sitting in my little bedroom where it's easier to dwell on all my problems. Well yet again that takes money to go out and have fun at a bar, to go play pool, to go to a movie, to drive to the lake and walk around, to go visit friends. So since there is no money to spare there's no since in trying to do anything else outside of this house. Yes I'm in pain, yes I'm going through a lot of hard times right now, yes I tend to take on too much stress especially when my family is going through a really rough financial time too. But honestly there's not anything I can do to fix that. Not without money at least. I don't know how many days where I've just been sitting here and started crying for what seems like no real reason. I've gotten to the point that I'm pretty bitchy to be around, I've lost almost all tolerance, and sometimes the smallest things just really piss me off. I've tried so hard to control all this on my own. Medication doesn't really work but for maybe a month if that and I can't afford it. Sometimes all I feel like doing is running a blade across my skin just so I can feel a different kind of pain and have my brain ignore the rest for a while.