Fed up, Stressed out, Depressed...

• |10/23/2006 01:17 pm

Ok I need to release some of this pain and stress on to you unknowing, and probably unwilling victims but I hope you can all forgive me because I just can't handle this all on my own anymore. OK so to update, my father passed away May 28th of this year, I'm finally just now getting the final death certificates but they won't be ready for me to pick them up until Wednesday. The coroner took for fucking ever determining the final cause of death. So to top that off since my father didn't have a will I will have to find a lawyer so I can sell my dad's house. The bad part of that is I don't have a job or any money to pay a lawyer up front so that means I have to try to find one that will work for me and wait to get paid out of the proceeds of selling the house. I'm tired of being stuck in this hell, I just want it all to go away so I can try to get past it and maybe live a semi-normal life again. I'm tired of crying for no real apparent reason, just because something on TV or the radio reminds me of something about my dad or what I won't have when the time comes that I actually get married. I'm tired of not being able to sleep much anymore at night. I'm tired of being stressed out. I'm tired of getting taken advantage of by my friends who can't seem to understand that I have a lot of shit to deal with already and the fact that I allowed them to move into my father's home before I officially sold it to them doesn't seem to register with them because they continued to be late with the rent and with the cell phone bill payments and now on top of that they've been using ALL my minutes so if I try to use the phone there will be overage charges which they're already accruing because they can't seem to grasp the reality that they use the phone too damn much at the wrong times of the day. I know I'm to blame for some of this because I was stupid enough to allow myself to put them on my account and all that, but DAMN how hard is it to wait to use the phone until 9pm or till the weekend or to only use it for very important phone calls that shouldn't last more than 15 minutes each or so?!??! You'd think after I bitched about it twice that they'd get it through their heads but apparently not. I can't take this anymore, I feel like I just want someone to shoot me in the head and put me out of my misery. I need a nice long vacation away from everyone and everything here. I think I've dealt with enough pain and suffering in my life already I really don't want to ever have to deal with anymore until I'm 90 years old, if I can even make it to that age. I've already had cancer, I've dealt with losing 3 grandparents and 2 stepgrandparents so I have one grandma who lives with us left, I've dealt with losing 2 friends, 2 aunts, 2 uncles, 3 cousins, I've dealt with losing people I was close to that were family members of people I was in relationships with, and losing my own father. To me I think that's enough, in fact I think it's way too much.

It's been 6 years...

• |10/15/2006 12:10 pm

Well Friday the 13th was 6 years to the exact day that I was in the hospital having my hysterectomy to get rid of the cervical and uteran cancer I had. I think it was a bit harder for me this time around because it was Friday the 13th when I had it done but also because my friend Lily is pregnant now too and it just makes me remember what was ripped away from me. I'm not saying that I really want kids now, I dealt with that when I had to make the decision to have the hysterectomy or take my chances not knowing how long I may have had and how fast the cancer was growing. I think it's just hard I guess because I always wanted to be pregnant and have my own child or help a family who wanted a child and couldn't have one themselves but God had other plans for me. I am glad I don't have any kids right now and I'm happy I can't get pregnant but at times there's still that desire in the back of my mind. I know it's harder because I've had to deal with so much grief and stress this year already but I'll survive and work through it and eventually I'll be ok.

Take care everyone! And remember, never take life for granted because you never know when something can happen that will totally change or rearrange your life.