Probably my last blog for the year...

• |12/20/2006 10:09 am

Well I think this will probably the last update I do for this year. Let's see what's happened since my last blog.

For those of you who actually know anything about Ken and what's been going on in the shop...Ken's in the Tennessee jail now as of November 15th awaiting his trial that is in February, he was picked up on a probation violation for child molestation, in other words he was never supposed to be in Kansas or any other state other than TN. I'm sure he'll probably end up serving out his 3 year probation in prison. That left us with a big fucking mess at the shop to deal with on customers and estimates that were too low and screwed up, so there have been some lawsuit threats and such.

Umm, let’s see…Oh Lily’s having a boy, she’s due mid January. I think she’s chosen Michael Elliot for his name. I kinda like it, it’s definitely better than the other ones she was thinking about. She’s transferred from Ft. Campbell to Ft. Sill now so she’s only a 4-5 hour drive away from us and her daughter which is better than the 10 hour drive before.

We had our big family dinner for Thanksgiving on December 2 nd , had about 35 people at our house which normally we have like 40-50 people. It was nice, had a lot of good deserts and turkey and ham and all that good stuff too. I of course ate too much and had to wait to eat my deserts.

On December 10th , we had our Christmas dinner for the classic car club we belong to. I got nominated to be the newsletter editor so each month I’ll be typing everything up and getting in printed and mailing them out. The club adopted 17 children this year to buy Christmas presents for whose families have fallen on hard times and can’t afford to get nice things for them. We wrapped all the gifts on the 16th and delivered them on the 17th .

My computer went craps on me again so I spent Monday night and yesterday fixing it and getting everything set up on it again. Our friend Marvin is going to switch motherboards with me, he’s got a used one that’s got a 1.7ghz processor on it and 512mb ddr memory which is new than mine so maybe it will help fix the problems I’ve been having with it.

Well I think that’s pretty much everything, if I missed anything I’m sure I’ll end up blogging about it later. Oh I do have one more thing, I’m going to spend New Year’s Eve with my good friend Susan and her husband! I can’t wait! I’m excited to see them and their house and my grandpuppies and their kitties. It’s going to be a good time I’m sure.

Have a safe and happy holidays everyone! Take care of yourselves, your families, and friends!

Fed up, Stressed out, Depressed...

• |10/23/2006 01:17 pm

Ok I need to release some of this pain and stress on to you unknowing, and probably unwilling victims but I hope you can all forgive me because I just can't handle this all on my own anymore. OK so to update, my father passed away May 28th of this year, I'm finally just now getting the final death certificates but they won't be ready for me to pick them up until Wednesday. The coroner took for fucking ever determining the final cause of death. So to top that off since my father didn't have a will I will have to find a lawyer so I can sell my dad's house. The bad part of that is I don't have a job or any money to pay a lawyer up front so that means I have to try to find one that will work for me and wait to get paid out of the proceeds of selling the house. I'm tired of being stuck in this hell, I just want it all to go away so I can try to get past it and maybe live a semi-normal life again. I'm tired of crying for no real apparent reason, just because something on TV or the radio reminds me of something about my dad or what I won't have when the time comes that I actually get married. I'm tired of not being able to sleep much anymore at night. I'm tired of being stressed out. I'm tired of getting taken advantage of by my friends who can't seem to understand that I have a lot of shit to deal with already and the fact that I allowed them to move into my father's home before I officially sold it to them doesn't seem to register with them because they continued to be late with the rent and with the cell phone bill payments and now on top of that they've been using ALL my minutes so if I try to use the phone there will be overage charges which they're already accruing because they can't seem to grasp the reality that they use the phone too damn much at the wrong times of the day. I know I'm to blame for some of this because I was stupid enough to allow myself to put them on my account and all that, but DAMN how hard is it to wait to use the phone until 9pm or till the weekend or to only use it for very important phone calls that shouldn't last more than 15 minutes each or so?!??! You'd think after I bitched about it twice that they'd get it through their heads but apparently not. I can't take this anymore, I feel like I just want someone to shoot me in the head and put me out of my misery. I need a nice long vacation away from everyone and everything here. I think I've dealt with enough pain and suffering in my life already I really don't want to ever have to deal with anymore until I'm 90 years old, if I can even make it to that age. I've already had cancer, I've dealt with losing 3 grandparents and 2 stepgrandparents so I have one grandma who lives with us left, I've dealt with losing 2 friends, 2 aunts, 2 uncles, 3 cousins, I've dealt with losing people I was close to that were family members of people I was in relationships with, and losing my own father. To me I think that's enough, in fact I think it's way too much.

It's been 6 years...

• |10/15/2006 12:10 pm

Well Friday the 13th was 6 years to the exact day that I was in the hospital having my hysterectomy to get rid of the cervical and uteran cancer I had. I think it was a bit harder for me this time around because it was Friday the 13th when I had it done but also because my friend Lily is pregnant now too and it just makes me remember what was ripped away from me. I'm not saying that I really want kids now, I dealt with that when I had to make the decision to have the hysterectomy or take my chances not knowing how long I may have had and how fast the cancer was growing. I think it's just hard I guess because I always wanted to be pregnant and have my own child or help a family who wanted a child and couldn't have one themselves but God had other plans for me. I am glad I don't have any kids right now and I'm happy I can't get pregnant but at times there's still that desire in the back of my mind. I know it's harder because I've had to deal with so much grief and stress this year already but I'll survive and work through it and eventually I'll be ok.

Take care everyone! And remember, never take life for granted because you never know when something can happen that will totally change or rearrange your life.

Thing you may want or need to know about me.....

• |09/11/2006 11:45 am

Ok I figured I'd share some more things about me that some people know already but others may need to know or want to know.

For starters as you may have already guessed, I'm no virgin and haven't been since I was 14 years old.

I have been pregnant once my senior year in high school, but I had a miscarriage when I was only about 2 months along.

I've been raped twice when I was a teenager, once when I was 15 and the other when I was 18.

I've been engaged to 3 people in my lifetime so far and never married.

In March of 2000 I found out I had cervical cancer and possibly uteran cancer. In mid March I had a procedure done called a conization to remove a cone shaped section of my cervix in hopes that it would remove all the cancerous cells. After I had healed from that they tested me again and there were still more cancer cells and it was moving up into my uterus. On Friday, October 13th of 2000 I had a hysterectomy to remove the rest of my cervix and my uterus. I am cancer free so far to this day thank God! I can no longer have children though but I do still have my ovaries so I'm not on hormone replacements yet. I find it a good thing now though that I can't have children because I just don't want to have any.

I have gone through a lot of rough things in my life. For the first 18 years of my life I was treated like shit by my father because he only wanted a son. I suffered a lot of mental and verbal abuse from him and some physical abuse. At age 15 I learned that I am manic-depressive which is something I got from him. A few years ago I also learned I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder due to all the stuff I had to deal with growing up with him since he was also manic-depressive and abusive. It wasn't until I was about 23 when he actually told me he loved me and was sorry for all the hell he put me and my mother through and asked for my forgiveness. As you may have read in my previous blog he passed about 3 1/2 months ago. Even though he was a cause of so much pain in my life I still loved him and it hurts knowing he's gone and I never got to tell him that I forgive him for it all before he died.

I've also gone through bankruptcy about 3 years ago and had my truck repo'd shortly before that, so my credit is shitty and I don't have my own transportation anymore.

Well that should be enough sharing for now and enough to scare off the those that can't handle such things. Take care everyone!!!

What's up......

• |08/31/2006 09:46 pm

Well let's see, not much to update. I'm doing ok now, still trying to get my life in order. Luckily I'm still able to be living with my mom and things have settled down for the most part. I'm still waiting on my dad's death certificate so I can get the rest of his stuff settled and sell the house. This has been a lot of stress on top of all the other stress in my life so it's taken a toll on me. I would love to be able to just take a nice long vacation somewhere, maybe to a beautiful island and just relax on the beach or something nice like that. I'll be 32 in about a couple months, hoping to go to Vegas with my mom for my birthday, we've got a deal for a free 2 night stay and flight, just gotta pay $100 for the taxes on it all. I just feel so lost all the time anymore. I'm not really sure what I want in a man or if I even want any type of relationship right now. I know I need to get my life in order and all that before I even think about a relationship. It's very hard not knowing what to do or where my life is going. I wish I had a way of just waving a magic wand and making my life better and everyone I'm friends with happy but as we all know it's not possible. Maybe someday if my website allows me to make money with the adult affiliate programs I'm signed up with I can take that dream vacation and help those friends out too. *shrugs* Welp I'm gonna end this now. I'll keep you all updated as much as I can.

More sadness and grief...

• |07/25/2006 08:53 pm

Today we buried my uncle. He was 49 years old. From what I've been told by my cousins and other family he probably passed away like my father. No one had heard from him for at least 5 days and when the police found his body in the home it was bloated and already out of rigor. They had to have a closed casket memorial ceremony. Since I didn't have a service for my father it really hit me hard today and my heart goes out to my cousins Aubrey and Sarah in their time of grief. I know what they are going through and I know what they will be facing in the months to come. But our fathers are both in a better place now, no longer suffering in physical or emotional pain and someday we'll see them again when it's our time to enter that beautiful place above. I may not have been that close to my uncle but I loved him still because he was my cousins father and a good man in his own way. He will be missed. It's hard to see them go through this, they're younger than me, Aubrey graduated from high school last year and is getting married August 26th, Sarah is going through college for nursing and still has a couple years left, so they both have so much more growing up to do. The hardest part is not knowing what happened and not being able to say goodbye before they passed away.

Another update...

• |07/15/2006 12:53 pm

Well things have calmed down for a bit so far. I was able to talk things out with my mom and I'm able to stay living with them for a while longer until things get settled with my father's death certificate, his house, and my back wages. Once that's all taken care of then I will move out and get another job.

Thank you to those friends who actually showed me they truly care about me and my well being during the last few weeks, I truly appreciate you all!

Welcome to my fucked up life...

• |07/04/2006 04:35 pm

Well here's an update for you all that give a shit...

As you all have probably read previously my father died just over a month ago. Well I've been very busy with all his shit from the house and stuff. My best friend Autumn and her boyfriend are going to rent to own the house from me. Just after this got decided and they started working on cleaning up the house so they can move in because they're about to get evicted from their apartment but things get worse for me. I am currently unemployed since I've been putting so much of my time into all this other stuff. So on Saturday when Autumn and I come back over after having my mom watch Autumn's son for 3 hours my step-dad decides it's time to show his true colors again and starts accusing me of shit that never happened because Ken said it did. So that started a big arguement which lead very quickly into a physical fight in which I won after bloodying his nose and knocking his new glasses off his face. Then he proceeds to tell me that I'm nothing but an ugly fatass white bitch who can't do anything for myself and I have nothing but white trash friends who use me and stab me in the back and all this other hurtful bullshit. The fight starts to wind down and he tells my mother she needs to start saying something to me and that she needs to kick me out. My mother responds by saying she can't choose between her daughter and her husband and don't make her do that cuz he'll lose. Well he keeps pushing it and she tells him fine the get the fuck out, just leave, I'm sick of it leave. Of course he doesn't think she's serious so he keeps on going, mean while Autumn and her son are outside and can hear every word that's being said. Finally I had enough after I calmed down a bit and just walked out the door because I needed to take Autumn home and stuff. So I came home late enough that night that everyone was asleep, took a couple sleeping pills and a 500mg aleeve. So Sunday I got up and around and went over to my dad's old house to start cleaning up more. I came home around 9:30ish and mom came in and told me I needed to find a place to live because she doesn't want to lose Monte. I informed her I thought it was really shitty of her to do this after already saying she'd never kick me out or choose him over me. I also told her she could do so much better if she'd divorce him and that Autumn even knows a great guy her age to set her up with. So didn't care, Monte's got her so broke down emotionally that she thinks she's ugly and can't do shit right and stuff like that, just the way my dad did to her until she divorced him. Well after mom and I's short conversation I called Autumn to tell her what happened and her and her boyfriend Shiloh told me to live with them and of course they'll still continue to pay me the rent and such and I don't have to contribute anything unless I want to after I get a job. So since I had gotten a storage unit for dad's stuff until I could have a sale I am now using it to store my stuff until the house is ready for us all to move in to. What really pisses me off is I had just dished out over $1300 in a month to pay their bills and other things but apparently none of that was good enough for Monte but I'm sure he's enjoying still having cable and internet and new shorts and shoes and food to eat and a cell phone and all that other nice stuff I paid for.

Well I think that's pretty much the jist of it all so far, as things progress or whatever I'll keep y'all updated when I can. It may be a little while until I have internet after I get moved though so if you have my cell # and are worried enough about me just give me a call. I'll be glad to hear from ya.

****HUGE HUGS TO ALL THOSE THAT TRULY CARE ABOUT ME****

Goodbye to the cruel world...

• |06/18/2006 12:49 pm

I received a visit on Wednesday, May 31st from the Police Chaplin. He informed me that my father passed away. The neighbors hadn't seen him around for a few days at least so they called the police on Sunday, May 28th to have someone check up on him. The police found him dead in his home that Sunday. I have been going through a ton of mixed emotions in the last few days now. My father and I weren't on speaking terms and hadn't been for a few years and the problems ran further back than that. It was hard to hear the news at first but I think I took it fairly well, it was very hard to walk into his house the first time and see that he still kept all the pictures of me displayed on his table where he could look at me every day. I guess he really did love me in his own fucked up way. I feel bad for having hated him for so long but I know he's not in pain anymore and that's what really gets me through all this, plus knowing that whatever I get out of his possessions will allow me to better my life and others. I've been very busy the last few days with making calls, canceling accounts, boxing up his belongings, moving stuff, cleaning things up so I can get the house somewhat ready to sell when the time comes. I always thought I'd be older than 31 when I had to deal with all this and bury a parent. He was 61, a very heavy smoker, had lung problems due to smoking so long, heart problems, high blood pressure, diabetes, prostate problems, kidney problems, as well as bi-polar disorder. With all those problems and all that pain I'm sure he welcomed the death but I hate to think of how he suffered there alone, and possibly how long he was laying there before he died or if it was quick, and how long was he actually dead before the police found him. I truly hope I never go that way but I'm definitely going to make sure I have my burial plot and arrangements paid for as well as keeping a current living will. Things like this really make you realize anything can happen at any time and you should always try to be prepared so you're loved ones that are left behind don't have to go through the stress like I have been doing.