Don't know what to title this...

I've been in a real funk today, somewhere between feeling lost, confused, unwanted, and depressed. I know I have a few friends but most are too busy with their own lives. I have no life so I'm always around whenever they need me. This is my main outlet, the only time I get out of the house is Thursday nights when I go to Chasers or when I go get groceries or have a doctor's appointment. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm tired of always being lonely and well not getting any sex when I want/need it. I find myself just sitting around spacing out or thinking way too much about things or people I want and can't have. I just get so irritated so easily anymore and it's bad because I tend to snap and take it out on people and I feel like shit after I do it. I've been stuck in the middle of so much drama lately that it's hard to keep things straight. I wanna help all my friends but it's hard to just let things happen to them without giving them fair warning.
Well I guess I'll go space out or stress about more things now since I can't think of anything else to write about now.

Moral dilemmas...

Well it seems that I'm beginning to have some moral dilemmas. Lately I've notice that most of the guys that are attracted to me either have a girlfriend or are married or just want a one night stand. Not that I mind good sex but I don't wanna be a home wrecker or the cause of someone splitting up or just being used for one night. I'd swear off guys but my friends and I all know I can never do that for more than a week. I know I'm not all that but I'm kind, caring, sweet, some say I'm cute, and I've heard that I'm quite good at the things I do. I guess my main gripe is that I'd like single guys to be interested in more than one night stands even if it's just a friends with benefits thing. It's not that I'm not flattered that married guys find me intriguing, exciting, mysterious, or whatever but I'd prefer single guys. I dunno what to do anymore so I guess I'll just take it one day at a time like everyone else and whatever happens, happens and it'll just be a learning experience.

Uhhh...Umm...

Well last night was also fairly interesting. Josh didn't show up for league. Guess he didn't wanna get his ass chewed out by me. LOL! I had quite a few guys staring at me last night. I guess black clothing that's fairly revealing is a good look on me. LMAO! I had fun playing pool with my friends out at Chasers though. I also came to the conclusion that I no longer want anything to do with Josh and he can kiss my white ass because I couldn't care less about him anymore. Ben also stood me up last night and that's not like him, he usually at least calls to let me know if he's gonna be late or not make it. I suppose with work he could have forgotten about it but it's still not normal so I hope everything is ok.
Well I'm gonna end this and go take a nice relaxing hot bath.

Hmm...Very interesting...

Well so far today has been fairly interesting.  I got to talk to Anthony which I haven't done too much since he moved to Salina.  We got to talk about quite a few things.  After that I did my exercises and then took a bath.  I think tonight will be even more interesting once I talk to Josh at Chasers and confront him about certain things that are really starting to bug me.  So there will be more to report after that I'm sure.  Not real sure how it's going to go but at least I know I'm gonna be the one that's completely and even bluntly honest.  He'll probably think I'm a really big bitch afterwards but that's ok cuz I'm not worried about it anymore.
 
Becca's in Iowa with Cole until Sunday, I'm pretty sure we all know what's gonna happen there since she's still so in love with him that she's thinking about moving there to be with him which in turn is really going to hurt Anthony a lot.  And ya know what, after some of the lies Becca's been telling me about things lately I'm gonna be on Anthony's side because after all he is my friend, Becca's family and she can get over it.
 
Wooohooo!  I just talked to Ben and he's gonna meet me out at Chasers tonight so I'll have someone else to hang with.  I really miss hanging out with him and sometimes I wish things would have worked out between us but I guess that wasn't in God's plan.  He thinks I shouldn't even waist my time on Josh but I told him I just can't help it, I'm really tired of rarely getting any sex and I'm the kind of person who needs it a lot.  LOL
 
Ok well I'm gonna go dry my hair now and style it somehow, it's gonna be different since Autumn trimmed it and added more layers.

Hmm, gripe time again...

Ya know sometimes I REALLY hate being me.  People tell me things I don't wanna know and I have to keep secret anyway.  Then there's people that stab me in the back while stabbing my friends in the back too.  Then there's all the ones that cheat and I know what's up but I'm supposed to keep it hush hush or not let them know that I actually know.  Then my own fucked up situations I keep getting myself into.  And all that on top of the whole dad situation. 
Then the Josh thing, I think I'll be talking to him again Thursday only this time I actually think I'll take him outside to talk so no one can interfere.  I think there's still something wrong because he called Becca Saturday and told her they were bowling and I assume asked her to come out there, now her boyfriend Anthony who is Josh's good friend lives in Salina now, anyway during the phone call she told him she was at a family thing and he must have asked about me cuz she said I was sitting right next to her.  Well we left the dinner early cuz she said she had a headache plus wanted to go shopping.  So we went shopping and then she asked if it was ok if she just took me home cuz her head was hurting and she wanted to go to bed.  But I talked to Nate who was out there at the bowling alley and he said she was out there, so she dropped me off  at home which is out south of Topeka then drove clear up north to go watch them play even though she had a "migrane".  That makes no sense to me and makes me wonder what the fuck is really going on between her and Josh.  I personally wanted to go to the bowling alley cuz she said Josh said Nate was there and I haven't talked to him in a while so I wanted to catch up on things and inform him about what was going on about my dad. 
Man I really need a vacation away from everyone and everything.  Too much drama and too much stress, it's no wonder I've gone nuts.   

Stay tuned, there will probably be a big update either Tuesday or Thursday depending on how the day/days go.

Time to update again...

Well umm things are ok.  Was without the internet since late Thursday night.  The storm fried the modem and hub but Cox replace the modem and we'll be getting a new hub tonight.
An update on how my dad is doing... he's doing better, he's waking up more and able to follow directions and so forth, still on the breathing machine but it's not helping him breathe as much he's starting to do it more on his own, and his kidneys are producing more urine which is a good thing because they weren't before, so he's slowly getting better.
Now for the update about the Josh situation.  I talked to him Thursday night at Chasers.  Everything is cool between us now and there are no more misunderstandings.  I talked to him about the friends with benefits deal and he said maybe (which to me means a nice way of saying no in guy talk).  Well see how things go since I'll be out at Chasers again this Thursday.
My weekend was pretty boring, not much to do because of the storms.  Watched Gilmore Girls episodes on my computer almost all day and night Friday.  Saturday morning I went to Autumn's baby shower and later that evening I went to a family dinner which Becca and I left early and went to the mall so she could do some shopping and she also had a migrane.  Sunday all I did was clean my room, exercise, and washed my clothes.
Well I think that pretty much updates things.

A few questions answered...

Well I talked to Anthony today about Josh.  At first he was reluctant to tell me anything and told me to just ask him myself.  But he and I both know Josh wouldn't tell me the truth to my face especially since he's barely talking to me.  As I had assumed, Josh was just after a piece of ass and well he got it but little did he know he could have gotten more if he had just been honest from the start with me instead of the little leading me on bit he tried.  Honestly I do like Josh but at this point in time in my life I've come to realize that I myself just wanted Josh as a piece of ass too.  He's cute, funny, we do have quite a bit in common but he's not the committing type so a friends with benefits relationship with him is perfect because that way we both get what we want out of it, sex and friendship.  I do plan to talk to him about this if he's at Chasers tomorrow night.  Anthony suggested I tell him too.

I haven't been able to get any word on my dad's condition today, the time I tried calling the ICU extension was busy and I would assume if something was wrong I'd have gotten a phone call.

I talked to my friend Loni today, she's in Kansas for a few days.  Haven't gotten to see her very much since she moved to Florida.  She's doing good though, pregnant and expecting a baby boy in a few months, also still with the same guy she's been with for 3 years now.  I'm happy for her and I hope everything continues to go well for her in her life.
Speaking of baby boys...Everyone one I know that's pregnant this year are all having boys.  How weird is that?

I haven't really done much today.  Went to the doctor and got my meds upped to see if that helps things any more.  Chatted with a few friends, one being Loni.  Downloaded some songs from my friend Charlie.  Other than that I've been backing up some of my music CD's onto my computer just incase any should happen to get stolen, never know these days. 
Well I don't have much else to report so I'll post this now.

Stress...Tension...And More Stress...

Well let's see where to begin...My dad is still in critical condition, he was helicoptered to the Kansas City VA hospital last night to have dialysis done for his kidneys to see if they can get them functioning properly and he's on a breathing machine now cuz he's not getting enough oxygen into his lungs.  It's times like this when I wish I wasn't an only child so I could share the stress with someone else.  I'm his sole heir and power of attorney so I have to make all the decisions since he's not conscious to make them himself.  They think he may pull through this but even if he does he'll still have to do the dialysis once a week for who knows how long to keep his kidneys clear or whatever.  I'm pretty sure that's something he's not going to want to do or something he won't do.  All I can tell the doctors is that he doesn't want to be kept alive by machines and he has a do not resuscitate request.  All this is just making me tense and stressed.  My family is trying to help keep me calm and sane through all this, and this may sound really bad to those that don't know my dad very well but, I kinda hope he passes on so he won't be in pain or have to suffer anymore and also so the family doesn't have to suffer anymore.
I really can't think of anything more to write about now since this has been the main thing on my mind.  I'll probably write more later tonight.

Drama and stuff....

Ok so here's part of a e-mail I got from Becca regarding Josh and the hanging out with all them situation...
 
The reason why I haven't invited you out is something that's hard to tell you.  I don't want to hurt your feelings or piss you off.  Anthony and I have stayed the night at one or the other's house all week.  Since Anthony and I are a couple, and Jeremy and Stacy are.. that leaves you and Josh being single and hanging out etc.  He doesn't want to hook up or be more than friends.  I told him you just want to be friends, but he isn't stupid.  He knows that when you're around you're flirting and touching etc etc.  He doesn't feel comfortable with that.
Now here's my problem with that part...He didn't seem to mind me being flirty or touchy when I was giving him a back massage the first night we hung out or when he was putting ice down my top and pants or when he was making out with me on the couch and trying to fuck me while Becca and Anthony were right there in the room watching a movie with us and he didn't seem to mind it when we were upstairs and we were fucking not to mention the next night when we were cuddling on the couch watching movies and the weekend after that at the bowling alley when he hugged me and kissed me.  So if he doesn't want anything why do all that to lead me on???  Besides I truly just want him as a friend and yeah if it were to become more I won't lie that would be fine with me too.
Now to top all this drama off...My dad is in the VA hospital, he overdosed on his meds apparently and is having acute kidney failure and now as a result of that breathing problems too.  He's being transferred to the K.C. VA hospital for dialysis to see if that will help his kidneys start functioning properly.  I am his only child and his power of attorney so all this has added WAY too much stress to my life.  I have no clue what to do if he dies, I know I get everything he has and I know he wants to be cremated but other than that I don't know what to do.  I don't want him to suffer, I want him to go in peace.
I'm going to end this now before I end up pulling my hair out.

Rob Peter to pay Paul...

Well Lily strikes again.  This time she got my parents account number and paid her Cox cable bill online which came to $285.11 which my parents don't have.  She said she did it but that she had permission from Monte (which wasn't true) and that it was only supposed to be $60.  Monte told her if she didn't have that money back by Monday he's calling the cops Tuesday and having her arrested for fraud and theft because she also stole a check from mom's checkbook.  She wanted to talk to me on the phone and I told mom I wasn't talking to the lying thief, mom told her and she said she still wanted to talk to me so I let her have it.  I asked her how in the hell she could do this to them after all they've done for her in the past and knowing they can't afford anything and even after taking $400 from them 3 years ago which I almost got blamed for until they figured it out not to mention all the times she's taken cash from Monte's wallet without his permission too on top of that she still owes them $300 for other things they helped her out with then I just hung up on her and mom was still talking to her.  I was so close to calling the cops myself or going down there and punching her in her big ass lying mouth.  God I'm so sick of her shit, she will learn one of these days and I hope it's Tuesday when they haul her ass off to jail.
 
***Listening to Ludacris Ft. Trina,Foxy Brown - Whats Your Fantasy (Remix)***
 
On another note...I guess I'm back to going to Chasers again on Thursday nights, at least it's a way to get out and see some of my bar friends and I get to see Josh when he's playing pool out there too.  I know, I know I'm just a gluten for punishment when it comes to Josh because I get the vibe that he doesn't even really wanna be friends with me now even after all that had happened between us.  I think he's just playing nice to be civil for our mutual friends.  But alas I still want him.  I'm a stubborn one and always have been.  I just wish those mutual friends would help me out on this one and find out info on what he wants with me or doesn't want.  Oh well.
 
***Listening to Lords of Acid - our little secret - pussy***
 
I'm still a bit upset with Becca because I keep getting pushed aside when it comes to hanging out on the weekends.  I'm sure she knows that when she's out with Anthony that his friends will be there too and yet she still doesn't invite me to come along.  Guess I know where I stand now but I have a feeling once Anthony officially moves she'll be wanting to hang with me again.  (If you're reading this Becca it's how I really feel and you know I'm not one to say it outloud.)
 
***listening to Pink - You Make Me Sick (Ultimix)***
 
Well it's time for lunch so I'll end this now. 

I've been told I need to update this thing...

Hmmm...Let's see...Well I haven't really done shit since the last time I wrote in here other than downloading music and Gilmore Girl episodes, and chatting.
Ummm...I'm still interested in Josh even if it's just as friends.  My ex Scott who I thought I was still friends with won't return my emails or phone calls, his 25th b-day was the 15th.  This Thursday hung out with my friend Autumn and she did my nails, then I went to Chasers with Tony and saw some of my friends, Josh and Sean were out there and barely acknowledged me, and my friend Ben stopped by there for a bit after he got off work.  I went and hung out with Autumn again tonight for a while and we went shopping at Name Brand Clothing (NBC) and we found some cute clothes for really cheap prices.  While I was at Autumn's this guy Jim that I kinda used to date a couple years ago called wanting to hook up again sometime soon.  So I figured since I'm single, he's goodlooking, available, and have nothing better to do why not.  I called him back and we talked a bit and I think he's gonna come get me sometime next week and we're gonna hang out and party at his place.  I think that was pretty much the highlight of my week or so. 
My friend Lily and her roommate Victoria are moving to an apartment this weekend, and my friend Anthony and his friend Sean are moving to Salina this weekend as well since they both got new jobs out there.
Incase I don't write anything more for a while I'll give ya the heads up for next week...Probably Monday or Thursday I'll go to Jim's or I may just wait until the week after that since this is kinda a busy week and weekend.  I'm taking my Grandma to Autumn's to get her hair permed @ 10am then I have a doctor's appointment @ 1pm on the 21st for my meds.  Saturday the 24th is Autumn's baby shower in Osage @ 10am then I have a family dinner that evening @ 6pm at my cousin Thelma's house.
Welp that's about all I can think of now.

***yawn***...

Well after looking into the weather a bit further it looks like the thunderstorms are just going to be a morning thing and clearing up by afternoon which makes for a hot and humid weekend. I hope everyone has fun doing whatever they're gonna do. Oh well either way I'm stuck here at home with nothing to do. Well thunderstorms make for a nice long sleep for me so I'll just sleep a lot and maybe watch TV, movies, or TV shows that I have on my computer. Well this is just another short blog since there's still nothing exciting to report. I think I'll go to bed here soon.

Crappy weekend ahead...

Well at least the way the weather looks now it won't be so bad if I'm going to be stuck at home all weekend. Thunderstorms all weekend. I really wanna do something this weekend but everyone else has or had other plans so oh well. I know I really need to quit bitching so much about it but when people somewhat involve me in plans for the weekend and then change them last minute it really tends to piss me off. I try to keep my thoughts on the positive side but I've never really been the optimistic type. So anyway, I got bored enough to do my nails since I had nothing better to do. But now I'm gonna go vacuum.

Oy...

Well I'll be calling Fine Line later today and canceling, I knew I didn't have the money for mine but Becca doesn't wanna go get her's unless someone else goes in with her to go through some pain too. It also looks like she'll be going with Anthony and Josh to Worlds Of Fun this weekend so that mean this broke ass bitch will be stuck at home alone like normal. Eh, oh well I'm used to it and it's probably a good thing since I can't seem to get Josh out of my friggin head. Maybe I should bury myself into my writing again, well that is if I can think of something to write about. More than likely I'll just download stuff and watch TV. What a waste of what looks like a really nice weekend. Bleh! I'm really getting sick of this shit, I need to just quit liking guys, maybe I should go back to exploring the bi-sexual side of myself...Nah, not worth that either. *siiiiiiiiigh* I just don't know what to do anymore, I truly give up. Maybe it's best to just lock myself up in my room again for a while. Guess I'll go watch some Gilmore Girls episodes that I have.

Oh well...

Well I went to Fine Line and to get the tattoo that I've been wanting for a while they'd have to increase the size way too much and I don't want it that big and with the color and all it would be $70-80 and that's way outta my price range. So instead I went over to Target and got a cute pair of sunglasses for $6, a dragonfly belly ring for Becca that was $10, and a belly ring for me that was $13 for when I get mine done. Well I don't think I have anymore to report so TTFN!

Uhhh...

Hmmm...What to discuss?... Not really sure, nothing too exciting has happened most of this weekend. Sunday was fairly shitty as I stated in my previous blog. Monday was very uneventful and it looks like today will be the same. Although at some point today I'm going to go to Fine Line and see if they can redraw my tattoo that I want and how much it would cost to have it done. If it's $40 or under then Becca and I will be going there Friday to get the tattoos done that we want. That should be the ultimate bond, cousins going through that much pain together. Heehee =o) Becca is truly becoming one of my best friends and I'm really happy about that especially since I only have one other true best friend and that's Autumn.

Well I'm probably going to finish organizing what MP3s I have and then maybe watching the rest of the QAF episodes for this season that I have so far.

AAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Well yesterday was almost a day from hell for me. Monte and I got into it big time, then I was very clumbsy which is not very normal for me, then Anthony and Josh didn't come out like they said they would to spend time with Becca and I. Oh well I'm done with trying to get with Josh, he told me he doesn't date so I'm just not even gonna bother pushing it or hanging out with him. Becca and Anthony need their alone time from now on to build on their relationship. I need some "ME" time so I think I'll just stay home for a couple weeks and be a hermit no matter how much it pisses anyone else off. At least this way I wouldn't get as hurt or upset as easily.

*** Listening to [Plumb - Go] *** "I need hope, and faith, and the goodness of grace, I need you to let me go my way"

hrmmm

Well yesterday didn't start out too well for me, I was in a pissy mood but then Becca talked me into going shopping with her because she had to return something to Kohl's. She is the sweetest thing, she had absolutely no reason to, in fact I kept trying to talk her out of it, but she bought be the cutest halter top and it looks really cute on me. =o) Now normally I wouldn't be a halter top person but I'm trying to bring my feminine side back out since I've been more the tomboy type after working in a paint and body shop for the last 3 years. Hanging around her is making me more aware of how I should look especially when cruising for men. And speaking of men, Josh and I had a brief conversation on the drive back to his place last night after they bowled. He told me he hasn't dated anyone since he was like 14 and doesn't want a relationship or to date. That seems really odd to me but ok. He said soon all his money will be going to fixing up a car and kinda pimping it all out so he probably wouldn't have much free time with that, work, bowling, and pool. Later at his house him and Anthony got to talking about cars and what they'd like to do to them and all this and I of course was able to join in on this conversation being the car type of woman that I am. I told Josh that I'm probably the biggest car buff chick you'll ever meet. I can actually help with the paint and bodywork stuff and I would gladly do that because I still enjoy it, I just quit the business because working and living with my parents became too stressful. After all that we watched Poolhall Junkies and that was a pretty good movie, then we kinda watched Stickmen which was another pool movie but I thought it was pretty boring so I was snuggled up on the couch with Josh, had my head on his chest and all nice and comfy and about to fall asleep. I haven't been able to be that comfortable with anyone since Scott. (God I miss him, even just as a friend) I know I'm being selfish in this but I wish Josh would realize that I could make a good girlfriend since I like bowling, playing pool, and cars, and according to him I'm funny and fun to hang around with. But I informed our little group that I will not be doing anything sexual from now on without there being a commitment like strictly dating each other or a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. I'm just tired of sticking my heart out there for it to only get crushed yet again. And to me sex is more than just sex, especially since I'm getting older.
Well it's time for some coffee because these sleeping pill make me feel like I have a hangover.

*blink*

Woooooooooo...Those sleeping pills really do the trick when you take the maximum amount of 2. Kinda gives you that hangover feeling only without the pounding headache and nausea feeling. I think it's time for some coffee to help wake the old brain up some more. I think I'm in a little better mood this morning but we'll see how the rest of the day goes before Becca gets off work. Things may change and I might not feel like company quality again. Welp gonna keep this one short and go make me some coffee.

There's no happy switch...

Why is it people fucking expect me to just get in a happy mood like I can just flip a fucking switch??? I mean really, everyone that knows me knows about me being bi-polar and that it's just not that easy. Just because I'm on meds doesn't mean I don't have my bad days or weeks or months. The meds aren't a guaranteed fix all. I just wish people would back off when I tell them I'm not in the mood. If I wanna do something I'll let ya know and if not then just move on and do your own thing without me. My ex-boyfriend Scott used to always tell me to just get happy and deal with life and get over it. I don't know how many times I wanted to tell him "shove it up your fucking ass because it's not that fucking easy and if it was don't you think I'd have done that ages ago?". I just get really sick of it, just because some people can be happy all the time even when bad things happen doesn't mean I can. Yeah I have my good days but sometimes that's a rare thing. Anyway I'm gonna go take my sleeping pills and hopefully get a real night's rest.

Blah Blah Blah...

I'm so tired and so bored today. My doctor prescribed sleeping pills for me to help me start getting a full night's sleep so I can get my body and mind back on track but it didn't help last night cuz I was tossing and turning all night. I'm gonna try the max 2 pill dose tonight and see if that works.

I'm working on getting my collection of MP3s back but it's a very slow process since I don't have the program I used to use and I don't have the money to pay for it.

On a happier note I'm almost back down to a size 10 from a size 12, I'm hoping to get back down to a size 8 by the end of summer. Then I'll have to shrink my size 12's so they won't fit so loose. =o)

***Listening to Nickleback - Yanking My Heart Out*** Pretty good song for how I've been feeling lately.

***Listening to Disturbed - Droppin' Plates*** Good song for the depressed, just makes ya wanna bang your head or bounce around.

Yes I am that bored to post what I'm listening to again. LOL

***Listening to Staind - Fray***

Well I really don't have any cleaning to do, I suppose I can go organize my stepdad's CD's since his desk is huge mess and he can never find anything when he needs it. LOL