Was feeling hurt and poetic last night...

I'm a figment of you imagination Burned into your mind I try to surface again Denied every time I push my way past the pain Bounce around inside your brain Once you think your life's on track I'll return once again You'll never get rid of me I am your memories ----------------------------------------------- Love me now Love me true Break my trust I'm through with you In this hour With all my power I drink away the pain Hearts are broken Lives are ruined Nothing will be the same ----------------------------------------------- Alone again Here comes the pain trapped inside The walls closing in Ignore the voices inside my head Whispering to me "try again" ----------------------------------------------- Blasts from the past Visions of the future Never miss a thing Close your eyes one more time You'll see me once again Was never lost Just pushed aside Locked away inside your mind Can never wash away the pain Just build the walls again ----------------------------------------------- Wherever you go I'll be watching you Stalking your dreams at night Watching your every move Haunting you like a ghost Buried inside your heart The love you have for me

It's been a while...

Well let's see... Not sure where to start really. I started seeing David a few weeks ago and it started to develop kinda fast but it's at a level spot now and seems to be going well. I'm hoping it works out, he's a great guy. We have some of the same quirks which is one thing that draws us closer I guess. We are both people that are hard on ourselves and not the greatest self esteem. Neither of us has completely experienced each others bad sides yet but eventually that will happen and we'll see if we can both handle those times. Bob (my dad) has been a major pain in my family's ass and it doesn't look like it's gonna get better any time soon but his new psychiatrist seems to be more on top of things than his last one. She has assured me that if he appears to be harmful to himself or others after he begins his more intense treatment that he can be committed against his will. Now that's a big weight lifted off our shoulders. The last thing we need is another repeat of him wanting to kill his whole family. Not really sure what else to talk about. Oh my friend Susan's boyfriend is finally home from Iraq and things are going great for them. My best friend Autumn had her baby boy on the 18th, 7lbs. 13ozs. 20 3/4" long and they named him Sheamus Michael so we'll call him Shea. He is so adorable. I also got a shocking message from Eddie. I hadn't heard from him since I broke things off back in May. It was kinda weird talking to him especially since he wants me back. I let him know that I'm in a good relationship with David but I would like to remain friends with him.

Hmmm...To update for the last week...

Well let's see... Sunday 29th: Stayed at Autumn's again, nothing too exciting happened. We went for a mile walk. Monday 30th: Went to my meds Dr. appointment. He upped my meds again to see if this helps more, if this doesn't we may try adding another type of anti-depressant to what I'm already taking. Tuesday 31st: Nothing eventful this day. Wednesday 1st: Nothing eventful this day either. Thursday 2nd: Mowed the yard (yippee), went to dinner with my friend David, then went to Chasers and hung out with my normal friends there but a few weren't there. Friday 3rd: Went to the annual MDA carshow at Fairlawn Plaza, David came out and hung out with me for a while then we went to Chasers and played a few games of pool which I won 3 games to 2. heehee Saturday 4th: Didn't do much at all, felt like shit with sinus headache and really bad stiff neck. Chatted with David most of the day/night along with a few other friends. Sunday 5th: Started out crappy with a sinus headache and stiff neck again, took a hot bath and relaxed a bit. David came out and we talked and just hungout, he stopped and got me some gummy savers since I told him I was craving them the last couple days. And now for today. Didn't really do anything, watched TV, chatted with friends, David was going to come over and we were going to go shopping since there was some stuff I needed to get but he got paged into work to fix some problem. Just been watching TV since then.

Some Poetry...

Somewhere In My Broken Heart 

You made up your mind 

It was time it was over 

I would not have chosen the road you have taken 

It has left us miles apart 

But I think I can still find the will to go on 

Somewhere in my broken heart 

So I'll go ahead and try to keep my love unspoken 

Until you find out who you are 

I hope that in time you'll find what you long for 

A love that's written in the stars 

And when you do I hope you'll see 

It's somewhere in my broken heart 

Forever Yours 

I've been waiting so long 

You said you love me till the end of time 

I miss that sweet smile 

That sweet caress 

I need you back now 

I need to be held tight in your arms again 

Why did you leave me 

I guess it's all been said and done 

Honey let me show you 

Baby you're the one 

I'll be forever yours 

You've gotta believe me 

Try to stick it out baby 

I'm hoping and praying 

Haven't I made it clear 

Can't you hear what I'm saying 

Won't you give me one more chance 

I wanna be your baby 

And be forever yours 

My heart begs to be free 

My heart begs to be free 

Free of the pain and misery 

Free of the heartbreak and despair 

Because there's nothing that compares 

To the love we could share 

My heart begs to be free 

Free from the loneliness it feels 

Free from its want to reveal 

Exactly how you make it feel 

My heart begs to be free 

Free of the uncontrollable fear 

Free of the untamed desire to want you near 

Because there is nothing I want more 

Than to show you what love is for 

My heart begs to be free 

Free from the depressed life it leads 

Free from the wounds it conceals 

From past loves lost 

Free my heart

Hmmmmmmmmmm...

Well it's been almost a week since I've wrote on here. So to update things... Umm well Monday night I stayed with Autumn again, we did our mile & 1/2 walk like we have been doing since I've been staying over there lately. Tuesday and Wednesday I didn't have to go over there because her husband is off work those days. Thursday I went and played pool at Chasers with Scott, it was pretty dead, we played for like 1 1/2 hrs. Then I went over to Autumn's again and we walked a mile. Didn't do much else. Friday I pretty much just sat around and chatted, then mowed the 1/2 of the yard mom didn't get mowed since we knew it was gonna storm. And today I've been lazy, Peyton woke me up at 8 to go outside and I went to bed and got back up at 10. Welp I'm gonna go make some coffee and wake up some more.

It's Sunday...bleh...

Well not much to report again. Was at Autumn's most of yesterday afternoon and all night, just got home around 11:30 am. We went for a long walk last night since she's trying to get the baby to come soon. I'll be going over there again tonight probably 8:ish since Brent's working tonight. Then he'll be home Tuesday and Wednesday so she won't need me there. Not much else going on in my life right now than that. I borrowed like 10-15 CD's from her so I can copy them to my computer which is what I'll be doing today until I head back over to her place. Welp I'm gonna go eat some lunch and start working on those CD's.

Nothing new so far...

Well I haven't gotten a call from Autumn saying she's in labor yet so I guess things are going ok. I'll probably call her soon and see if she's gonna need me there today or tonight since I'm not sure what Brent's work schedule is. I kinda had some things to vent about but I'm not really sure it's worth it anymore. I just wish I would quit having dreams that involve certain people that are not part of my life anyone. It's getting on my nerves. I'm trying so hard to get my life back in order that I don't want things screwing it up anymore like they have been. Even though I'm working on getting my life back in order it's still more in order than most of the guys I know anymore and I find that rather sad. No new date or love interests to report, but then who'd wanna date someone like me.

And now back to your regularly schedule program...

Well let's see...Not much has happened lately really. My dad is still in the KC VA but I've been told he's doing much better. I'm keeping more in contact with my true friends. My bestfriend Autumn is due to have her baby any day now so I've been staying with her while her husband is at work so someone is always with her incase she goes into labor. I've made a couple more internet friends. I also ran into an old friend from back when I was with my ex-fiance Steven, I always called him my Joeybear, he's a DJ for V-100 (Joey Baggz). I ran into (Topeka) Scott last night at Chasers and we cleared the air about all that stuff in the past so everything is fine between us again. I was kinda shocked to see him there because I hadn't seen him there in over a month at least since I've been going back there but it was nice. Not much else is going on beside the normal stress I've been under lately. My disability was denied but with my lawyer I can appeal the decision. I'm just waiting until I can see my new Dr. next month so she can document everything and run the other tests I need done then I will file the appeal. I've been trying to exercise more so I'm slowly losing some weight. I go see my meds Dr. the 30th so we'll see if he up's my dosage again or decides to try another drug. Well I can't really think of anything else to write so I guess I'll post this now.

And now for the season finale of Days of My Life...

Things have really got to change before I go back to the almost suicidal way I was before I got some help and on medication. I'm sick of being in the middle of this square of bullshit, lies, and drama. What sucks is I wanted to be friends with all 4 parties involved but it's never gonna happen so I'm backing out of it all no matter who it hurts because it can't hurt them more than all of this has been hurting me. So as for Becca, Cole, Anthony, and Josh you all can kiss my ass because I'm sick of being used and lied to by all of you. Yes you're right I am a bitch and it's about time I fucking take a stand for myself instead of letting you all walk all over me and use my for your entertainment and the butt of all your jokes. I'm sure it's gonna be hard to find someone as nice and friendly and gullible as I am but you all can get over it and leave me the fuck alone. Becca as far as my camera goes you better make sure I get it back in one piece and still working one way or another or you'll be owing me $200 for it. I will continue to go to Chasers because I have at least 8 other friends out there to talk to and hang out with that I know don't take advantage of me because they have no way of doing it since they only see me one night a week. This will be my last blog for a long time because I'm staying away from everyone and everything that is harmful to me.

Don't know what to title this...

I've been in a real funk today, somewhere between feeling lost, confused, unwanted, and depressed. I know I have a few friends but most are too busy with their own lives. I have no life so I'm always around whenever they need me. This is my main outlet, the only time I get out of the house is Thursday nights when I go to Chasers or when I go get groceries or have a doctor's appointment. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm tired of always being lonely and well not getting any sex when I want/need it. I find myself just sitting around spacing out or thinking way too much about things or people I want and can't have. I just get so irritated so easily anymore and it's bad because I tend to snap and take it out on people and I feel like shit after I do it. I've been stuck in the middle of so much drama lately that it's hard to keep things straight. I wanna help all my friends but it's hard to just let things happen to them without giving them fair warning.
Well I guess I'll go space out or stress about more things now since I can't think of anything else to write about now.

Moral dilemmas...

Well it seems that I'm beginning to have some moral dilemmas. Lately I've notice that most of the guys that are attracted to me either have a girlfriend or are married or just want a one night stand. Not that I mind good sex but I don't wanna be a home wrecker or the cause of someone splitting up or just being used for one night. I'd swear off guys but my friends and I all know I can never do that for more than a week. I know I'm not all that but I'm kind, caring, sweet, some say I'm cute, and I've heard that I'm quite good at the things I do. I guess my main gripe is that I'd like single guys to be interested in more than one night stands even if it's just a friends with benefits thing. It's not that I'm not flattered that married guys find me intriguing, exciting, mysterious, or whatever but I'd prefer single guys. I dunno what to do anymore so I guess I'll just take it one day at a time like everyone else and whatever happens, happens and it'll just be a learning experience.

Uhhh...Umm...

Well last night was also fairly interesting. Josh didn't show up for league. Guess he didn't wanna get his ass chewed out by me. LOL! I had quite a few guys staring at me last night. I guess black clothing that's fairly revealing is a good look on me. LMAO! I had fun playing pool with my friends out at Chasers though. I also came to the conclusion that I no longer want anything to do with Josh and he can kiss my white ass because I couldn't care less about him anymore. Ben also stood me up last night and that's not like him, he usually at least calls to let me know if he's gonna be late or not make it. I suppose with work he could have forgotten about it but it's still not normal so I hope everything is ok.
Well I'm gonna end this and go take a nice relaxing hot bath.

Hmm...Very interesting...

Well so far today has been fairly interesting.  I got to talk to Anthony which I haven't done too much since he moved to Salina.  We got to talk about quite a few things.  After that I did my exercises and then took a bath.  I think tonight will be even more interesting once I talk to Josh at Chasers and confront him about certain things that are really starting to bug me.  So there will be more to report after that I'm sure.  Not real sure how it's going to go but at least I know I'm gonna be the one that's completely and even bluntly honest.  He'll probably think I'm a really big bitch afterwards but that's ok cuz I'm not worried about it anymore.
 
Becca's in Iowa with Cole until Sunday, I'm pretty sure we all know what's gonna happen there since she's still so in love with him that she's thinking about moving there to be with him which in turn is really going to hurt Anthony a lot.  And ya know what, after some of the lies Becca's been telling me about things lately I'm gonna be on Anthony's side because after all he is my friend, Becca's family and she can get over it.
 
Wooohooo!  I just talked to Ben and he's gonna meet me out at Chasers tonight so I'll have someone else to hang with.  I really miss hanging out with him and sometimes I wish things would have worked out between us but I guess that wasn't in God's plan.  He thinks I shouldn't even waist my time on Josh but I told him I just can't help it, I'm really tired of rarely getting any sex and I'm the kind of person who needs it a lot.  LOL
 
Ok well I'm gonna go dry my hair now and style it somehow, it's gonna be different since Autumn trimmed it and added more layers.

Hmm, gripe time again...

Ya know sometimes I REALLY hate being me.  People tell me things I don't wanna know and I have to keep secret anyway.  Then there's people that stab me in the back while stabbing my friends in the back too.  Then there's all the ones that cheat and I know what's up but I'm supposed to keep it hush hush or not let them know that I actually know.  Then my own fucked up situations I keep getting myself into.  And all that on top of the whole dad situation. 
Then the Josh thing, I think I'll be talking to him again Thursday only this time I actually think I'll take him outside to talk so no one can interfere.  I think there's still something wrong because he called Becca Saturday and told her they were bowling and I assume asked her to come out there, now her boyfriend Anthony who is Josh's good friend lives in Salina now, anyway during the phone call she told him she was at a family thing and he must have asked about me cuz she said I was sitting right next to her.  Well we left the dinner early cuz she said she had a headache plus wanted to go shopping.  So we went shopping and then she asked if it was ok if she just took me home cuz her head was hurting and she wanted to go to bed.  But I talked to Nate who was out there at the bowling alley and he said she was out there, so she dropped me off  at home which is out south of Topeka then drove clear up north to go watch them play even though she had a "migrane".  That makes no sense to me and makes me wonder what the fuck is really going on between her and Josh.  I personally wanted to go to the bowling alley cuz she said Josh said Nate was there and I haven't talked to him in a while so I wanted to catch up on things and inform him about what was going on about my dad. 
Man I really need a vacation away from everyone and everything.  Too much drama and too much stress, it's no wonder I've gone nuts.   

Stay tuned, there will probably be a big update either Tuesday or Thursday depending on how the day/days go.

Time to update again...

Well umm things are ok.  Was without the internet since late Thursday night.  The storm fried the modem and hub but Cox replace the modem and we'll be getting a new hub tonight.
An update on how my dad is doing... he's doing better, he's waking up more and able to follow directions and so forth, still on the breathing machine but it's not helping him breathe as much he's starting to do it more on his own, and his kidneys are producing more urine which is a good thing because they weren't before, so he's slowly getting better.
Now for the update about the Josh situation.  I talked to him Thursday night at Chasers.  Everything is cool between us now and there are no more misunderstandings.  I talked to him about the friends with benefits deal and he said maybe (which to me means a nice way of saying no in guy talk).  Well see how things go since I'll be out at Chasers again this Thursday.
My weekend was pretty boring, not much to do because of the storms.  Watched Gilmore Girls episodes on my computer almost all day and night Friday.  Saturday morning I went to Autumn's baby shower and later that evening I went to a family dinner which Becca and I left early and went to the mall so she could do some shopping and she also had a migrane.  Sunday all I did was clean my room, exercise, and washed my clothes.
Well I think that pretty much updates things.

A few questions answered...

Well I talked to Anthony today about Josh.  At first he was reluctant to tell me anything and told me to just ask him myself.  But he and I both know Josh wouldn't tell me the truth to my face especially since he's barely talking to me.  As I had assumed, Josh was just after a piece of ass and well he got it but little did he know he could have gotten more if he had just been honest from the start with me instead of the little leading me on bit he tried.  Honestly I do like Josh but at this point in time in my life I've come to realize that I myself just wanted Josh as a piece of ass too.  He's cute, funny, we do have quite a bit in common but he's not the committing type so a friends with benefits relationship with him is perfect because that way we both get what we want out of it, sex and friendship.  I do plan to talk to him about this if he's at Chasers tomorrow night.  Anthony suggested I tell him too.

I haven't been able to get any word on my dad's condition today, the time I tried calling the ICU extension was busy and I would assume if something was wrong I'd have gotten a phone call.

I talked to my friend Loni today, she's in Kansas for a few days.  Haven't gotten to see her very much since she moved to Florida.  She's doing good though, pregnant and expecting a baby boy in a few months, also still with the same guy she's been with for 3 years now.  I'm happy for her and I hope everything continues to go well for her in her life.
Speaking of baby boys...Everyone one I know that's pregnant this year are all having boys.  How weird is that?

I haven't really done much today.  Went to the doctor and got my meds upped to see if that helps things any more.  Chatted with a few friends, one being Loni.  Downloaded some songs from my friend Charlie.  Other than that I've been backing up some of my music CD's onto my computer just incase any should happen to get stolen, never know these days. 
Well I don't have much else to report so I'll post this now.

Stress...Tension...And More Stress...

Well let's see where to begin...My dad is still in critical condition, he was helicoptered to the Kansas City VA hospital last night to have dialysis done for his kidneys to see if they can get them functioning properly and he's on a breathing machine now cuz he's not getting enough oxygen into his lungs.  It's times like this when I wish I wasn't an only child so I could share the stress with someone else.  I'm his sole heir and power of attorney so I have to make all the decisions since he's not conscious to make them himself.  They think he may pull through this but even if he does he'll still have to do the dialysis once a week for who knows how long to keep his kidneys clear or whatever.  I'm pretty sure that's something he's not going to want to do or something he won't do.  All I can tell the doctors is that he doesn't want to be kept alive by machines and he has a do not resuscitate request.  All this is just making me tense and stressed.  My family is trying to help keep me calm and sane through all this, and this may sound really bad to those that don't know my dad very well but, I kinda hope he passes on so he won't be in pain or have to suffer anymore and also so the family doesn't have to suffer anymore.
I really can't think of anything more to write about now since this has been the main thing on my mind.  I'll probably write more later tonight.

Drama and stuff....

Ok so here's part of a e-mail I got from Becca regarding Josh and the hanging out with all them situation...
 
The reason why I haven't invited you out is something that's hard to tell you.  I don't want to hurt your feelings or piss you off.  Anthony and I have stayed the night at one or the other's house all week.  Since Anthony and I are a couple, and Jeremy and Stacy are.. that leaves you and Josh being single and hanging out etc.  He doesn't want to hook up or be more than friends.  I told him you just want to be friends, but he isn't stupid.  He knows that when you're around you're flirting and touching etc etc.  He doesn't feel comfortable with that.
Now here's my problem with that part...He didn't seem to mind me being flirty or touchy when I was giving him a back massage the first night we hung out or when he was putting ice down my top and pants or when he was making out with me on the couch and trying to fuck me while Becca and Anthony were right there in the room watching a movie with us and he didn't seem to mind it when we were upstairs and we were fucking not to mention the next night when we were cuddling on the couch watching movies and the weekend after that at the bowling alley when he hugged me and kissed me.  So if he doesn't want anything why do all that to lead me on???  Besides I truly just want him as a friend and yeah if it were to become more I won't lie that would be fine with me too.
Now to top all this drama off...My dad is in the VA hospital, he overdosed on his meds apparently and is having acute kidney failure and now as a result of that breathing problems too.  He's being transferred to the K.C. VA hospital for dialysis to see if that will help his kidneys start functioning properly.  I am his only child and his power of attorney so all this has added WAY too much stress to my life.  I have no clue what to do if he dies, I know I get everything he has and I know he wants to be cremated but other than that I don't know what to do.  I don't want him to suffer, I want him to go in peace.
I'm going to end this now before I end up pulling my hair out.

Rob Peter to pay Paul...

Well Lily strikes again.  This time she got my parents account number and paid her Cox cable bill online which came to $285.11 which my parents don't have.  She said she did it but that she had permission from Monte (which wasn't true) and that it was only supposed to be $60.  Monte told her if she didn't have that money back by Monday he's calling the cops Tuesday and having her arrested for fraud and theft because she also stole a check from mom's checkbook.  She wanted to talk to me on the phone and I told mom I wasn't talking to the lying thief, mom told her and she said she still wanted to talk to me so I let her have it.  I asked her how in the hell she could do this to them after all they've done for her in the past and knowing they can't afford anything and even after taking $400 from them 3 years ago which I almost got blamed for until they figured it out not to mention all the times she's taken cash from Monte's wallet without his permission too on top of that she still owes them $300 for other things they helped her out with then I just hung up on her and mom was still talking to her.  I was so close to calling the cops myself or going down there and punching her in her big ass lying mouth.  God I'm so sick of her shit, she will learn one of these days and I hope it's Tuesday when they haul her ass off to jail.
 
***Listening to Ludacris Ft. Trina,Foxy Brown - Whats Your Fantasy (Remix)***
 
On another note...I guess I'm back to going to Chasers again on Thursday nights, at least it's a way to get out and see some of my bar friends and I get to see Josh when he's playing pool out there too.  I know, I know I'm just a gluten for punishment when it comes to Josh because I get the vibe that he doesn't even really wanna be friends with me now even after all that had happened between us.  I think he's just playing nice to be civil for our mutual friends.  But alas I still want him.  I'm a stubborn one and always have been.  I just wish those mutual friends would help me out on this one and find out info on what he wants with me or doesn't want.  Oh well.
 
***Listening to Lords of Acid - our little secret - pussy***
 
I'm still a bit upset with Becca because I keep getting pushed aside when it comes to hanging out on the weekends.  I'm sure she knows that when she's out with Anthony that his friends will be there too and yet she still doesn't invite me to come along.  Guess I know where I stand now but I have a feeling once Anthony officially moves she'll be wanting to hang with me again.  (If you're reading this Becca it's how I really feel and you know I'm not one to say it outloud.)
 
***listening to Pink - You Make Me Sick (Ultimix)***
 
Well it's time for lunch so I'll end this now. 

I've been told I need to update this thing...

Hmmm...Let's see...Well I haven't really done shit since the last time I wrote in here other than downloading music and Gilmore Girl episodes, and chatting.
Ummm...I'm still interested in Josh even if it's just as friends.  My ex Scott who I thought I was still friends with won't return my emails or phone calls, his 25th b-day was the 15th.  This Thursday hung out with my friend Autumn and she did my nails, then I went to Chasers with Tony and saw some of my friends, Josh and Sean were out there and barely acknowledged me, and my friend Ben stopped by there for a bit after he got off work.  I went and hung out with Autumn again tonight for a while and we went shopping at Name Brand Clothing (NBC) and we found some cute clothes for really cheap prices.  While I was at Autumn's this guy Jim that I kinda used to date a couple years ago called wanting to hook up again sometime soon.  So I figured since I'm single, he's goodlooking, available, and have nothing better to do why not.  I called him back and we talked a bit and I think he's gonna come get me sometime next week and we're gonna hang out and party at his place.  I think that was pretty much the highlight of my week or so. 
My friend Lily and her roommate Victoria are moving to an apartment this weekend, and my friend Anthony and his friend Sean are moving to Salina this weekend as well since they both got new jobs out there.
Incase I don't write anything more for a while I'll give ya the heads up for next week...Probably Monday or Thursday I'll go to Jim's or I may just wait until the week after that since this is kinda a busy week and weekend.  I'm taking my Grandma to Autumn's to get her hair permed @ 10am then I have a doctor's appointment @ 1pm on the 21st for my meds.  Saturday the 24th is Autumn's baby shower in Osage @ 10am then I have a family dinner that evening @ 6pm at my cousin Thelma's house.
Welp that's about all I can think of now.

***yawn***...

Well after looking into the weather a bit further it looks like the thunderstorms are just going to be a morning thing and clearing up by afternoon which makes for a hot and humid weekend. I hope everyone has fun doing whatever they're gonna do. Oh well either way I'm stuck here at home with nothing to do. Well thunderstorms make for a nice long sleep for me so I'll just sleep a lot and maybe watch TV, movies, or TV shows that I have on my computer. Well this is just another short blog since there's still nothing exciting to report. I think I'll go to bed here soon.

Crappy weekend ahead...

Well at least the way the weather looks now it won't be so bad if I'm going to be stuck at home all weekend. Thunderstorms all weekend. I really wanna do something this weekend but everyone else has or had other plans so oh well. I know I really need to quit bitching so much about it but when people somewhat involve me in plans for the weekend and then change them last minute it really tends to piss me off. I try to keep my thoughts on the positive side but I've never really been the optimistic type. So anyway, I got bored enough to do my nails since I had nothing better to do. But now I'm gonna go vacuum.

Oy...

Well I'll be calling Fine Line later today and canceling, I knew I didn't have the money for mine but Becca doesn't wanna go get her's unless someone else goes in with her to go through some pain too. It also looks like she'll be going with Anthony and Josh to Worlds Of Fun this weekend so that mean this broke ass bitch will be stuck at home alone like normal. Eh, oh well I'm used to it and it's probably a good thing since I can't seem to get Josh out of my friggin head. Maybe I should bury myself into my writing again, well that is if I can think of something to write about. More than likely I'll just download stuff and watch TV. What a waste of what looks like a really nice weekend. Bleh! I'm really getting sick of this shit, I need to just quit liking guys, maybe I should go back to exploring the bi-sexual side of myself...Nah, not worth that either. *siiiiiiiiigh* I just don't know what to do anymore, I truly give up. Maybe it's best to just lock myself up in my room again for a while. Guess I'll go watch some Gilmore Girls episodes that I have.

Oh well...

Well I went to Fine Line and to get the tattoo that I've been wanting for a while they'd have to increase the size way too much and I don't want it that big and with the color and all it would be $70-80 and that's way outta my price range. So instead I went over to Target and got a cute pair of sunglasses for $6, a dragonfly belly ring for Becca that was $10, and a belly ring for me that was $13 for when I get mine done. Well I don't think I have anymore to report so TTFN!

Uhhh...

Hmmm...What to discuss?... Not really sure, nothing too exciting has happened most of this weekend. Sunday was fairly shitty as I stated in my previous blog. Monday was very uneventful and it looks like today will be the same. Although at some point today I'm going to go to Fine Line and see if they can redraw my tattoo that I want and how much it would cost to have it done. If it's $40 or under then Becca and I will be going there Friday to get the tattoos done that we want. That should be the ultimate bond, cousins going through that much pain together. Heehee =o) Becca is truly becoming one of my best friends and I'm really happy about that especially since I only have one other true best friend and that's Autumn.

Well I'm probably going to finish organizing what MP3s I have and then maybe watching the rest of the QAF episodes for this season that I have so far.

AAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Well yesterday was almost a day from hell for me. Monte and I got into it big time, then I was very clumbsy which is not very normal for me, then Anthony and Josh didn't come out like they said they would to spend time with Becca and I. Oh well I'm done with trying to get with Josh, he told me he doesn't date so I'm just not even gonna bother pushing it or hanging out with him. Becca and Anthony need their alone time from now on to build on their relationship. I need some "ME" time so I think I'll just stay home for a couple weeks and be a hermit no matter how much it pisses anyone else off. At least this way I wouldn't get as hurt or upset as easily.

*** Listening to [Plumb - Go] *** "I need hope, and faith, and the goodness of grace, I need you to let me go my way"

hrmmm

Well yesterday didn't start out too well for me, I was in a pissy mood but then Becca talked me into going shopping with her because she had to return something to Kohl's. She is the sweetest thing, she had absolutely no reason to, in fact I kept trying to talk her out of it, but she bought be the cutest halter top and it looks really cute on me. =o) Now normally I wouldn't be a halter top person but I'm trying to bring my feminine side back out since I've been more the tomboy type after working in a paint and body shop for the last 3 years. Hanging around her is making me more aware of how I should look especially when cruising for men. And speaking of men, Josh and I had a brief conversation on the drive back to his place last night after they bowled. He told me he hasn't dated anyone since he was like 14 and doesn't want a relationship or to date. That seems really odd to me but ok. He said soon all his money will be going to fixing up a car and kinda pimping it all out so he probably wouldn't have much free time with that, work, bowling, and pool. Later at his house him and Anthony got to talking about cars and what they'd like to do to them and all this and I of course was able to join in on this conversation being the car type of woman that I am. I told Josh that I'm probably the biggest car buff chick you'll ever meet. I can actually help with the paint and bodywork stuff and I would gladly do that because I still enjoy it, I just quit the business because working and living with my parents became too stressful. After all that we watched Poolhall Junkies and that was a pretty good movie, then we kinda watched Stickmen which was another pool movie but I thought it was pretty boring so I was snuggled up on the couch with Josh, had my head on his chest and all nice and comfy and about to fall asleep. I haven't been able to be that comfortable with anyone since Scott. (God I miss him, even just as a friend) I know I'm being selfish in this but I wish Josh would realize that I could make a good girlfriend since I like bowling, playing pool, and cars, and according to him I'm funny and fun to hang around with. But I informed our little group that I will not be doing anything sexual from now on without there being a commitment like strictly dating each other or a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. I'm just tired of sticking my heart out there for it to only get crushed yet again. And to me sex is more than just sex, especially since I'm getting older.
Well it's time for some coffee because these sleeping pill make me feel like I have a hangover.

*blink*

Woooooooooo...Those sleeping pills really do the trick when you take the maximum amount of 2. Kinda gives you that hangover feeling only without the pounding headache and nausea feeling. I think it's time for some coffee to help wake the old brain up some more. I think I'm in a little better mood this morning but we'll see how the rest of the day goes before Becca gets off work. Things may change and I might not feel like company quality again. Welp gonna keep this one short and go make me some coffee.

There's no happy switch...

Why is it people fucking expect me to just get in a happy mood like I can just flip a fucking switch??? I mean really, everyone that knows me knows about me being bi-polar and that it's just not that easy. Just because I'm on meds doesn't mean I don't have my bad days or weeks or months. The meds aren't a guaranteed fix all. I just wish people would back off when I tell them I'm not in the mood. If I wanna do something I'll let ya know and if not then just move on and do your own thing without me. My ex-boyfriend Scott used to always tell me to just get happy and deal with life and get over it. I don't know how many times I wanted to tell him "shove it up your fucking ass because it's not that fucking easy and if it was don't you think I'd have done that ages ago?". I just get really sick of it, just because some people can be happy all the time even when bad things happen doesn't mean I can. Yeah I have my good days but sometimes that's a rare thing. Anyway I'm gonna go take my sleeping pills and hopefully get a real night's rest.

Blah Blah Blah...

I'm so tired and so bored today. My doctor prescribed sleeping pills for me to help me start getting a full night's sleep so I can get my body and mind back on track but it didn't help last night cuz I was tossing and turning all night. I'm gonna try the max 2 pill dose tonight and see if that works.

I'm working on getting my collection of MP3s back but it's a very slow process since I don't have the program I used to use and I don't have the money to pay for it.

On a happier note I'm almost back down to a size 10 from a size 12, I'm hoping to get back down to a size 8 by the end of summer. Then I'll have to shrink my size 12's so they won't fit so loose. =o)

***Listening to Nickleback - Yanking My Heart Out*** Pretty good song for how I've been feeling lately.

***Listening to Disturbed - Droppin' Plates*** Good song for the depressed, just makes ya wanna bang your head or bounce around.

Yes I am that bored to post what I'm listening to again. LOL

***Listening to Staind - Fray***

Well I really don't have any cleaning to do, I suppose I can go organize my stepdad's CD's since his desk is huge mess and he can never find anything when he needs it. LOL

Need a break...

I think I really need a break from my life. Everything has been so screwed up lately that sometimes I don't know what end is up anymore or what's going on with who and when and why. Everything is becoming a blur, one big mess and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm losing friends and I'm making some new ones. I kinda want to move back to Wichita but there's no way I could do that because 1.) I couldn't afford it and 2.) I have no one to live there with until I could get on my feet and get my own place. To top all that off since I've been coming home so late my mom decided to give me a 1 o'clock curfew last night. That pissed me off so much, I'm almost 30 years old and I've never had a curfew in my entire life. I dunno maybe I should just be a hermit, things wouldn't get complicated then at least. I'm also really getting tired of this back and forth mood swing shit that this medication is doing to me but the doctor says that's normal until I start getting a good night's sleep every night to let my body relax.

Well I have to go clean now.

Horoscope and Poem

Scorpio
Daily singles love: Let cutie do the work for a little while; you've been sweating bullets and now it's their turn. You don't have to play hard-to-get, but you have earned a break from your efforts.
Daily flirt: It's time to cool your jets for a while and let other people take the risks. You've been spreading your energy out all over the place, so for now just rest and take it easy.
Daily extended: Your imagination may have taken things a little too far ... Or not. Practical assessment of a situation chases out any misgivings. There really are no disturbing ripples in the natural order of things. Work on gaining the respect of others by showing self-sufficiency. The good news is that the next few days bring you something exciting you'd never dreamed of.
Hmmmmm......Well that's seems fairly accurate with the way things are going.

I found another old poem I wrote over a year ago for my ex boyfriend Scott.
When you're near me I feel weak
You make my heart skip a beat
Baby I can barely breathe

Nothing can replace your love
No darlin' nothing can replace your love
You were sent from up above
Nothing can replace your love

My heart belongs to you
Only you know this is true
My soul is not complete
Until you're here next to me

Nothing can replace your love
No darlin' nothing can replace your love
It was written in the stars above
Nothing can replace your love

All my dreams came true
The day that I met you
My heart goes pitter-patter
At the sound of your laughter

Nothing can replace your love
No darlin' nothing can replace your love
You were sent from up above
Nothing can replace your love

When you're lying here next to me
Baby I just watch you sleep
And wonder what you're dreaming about
That puts that smile on your face

Nothing can replace your love
No darlin' nothing can replace your love
You were sent from up above
Nothing can replace your love
It was written in the stars above
Nothing can replace your love
No darlin' nothing can replace your love
Nothing can replace your love

Guess I was wrong...

Well I guess I was wrong about Josh. Or at least that's how it seems tonight. I went out with Becca and Anthony tonight and we called Josh several times but he had his cell phone of while he was at Terry's Billiards playing pool and then never returned my calls and I left msgs. Oh well, at least I hadn't fallen so hard for him like the rest of the guys I was wanting to date. Well Ben called me tonight and wanted to crash here with me but since I thought I was gonna be with Josh I told him I didn't think it would work cuz I didn't know when I'd be home for sure so he said he'd just call me later. I felt bad because I think he's going through something and I'm not there for him. He tried to hook up with me for lunch yesterday but I was at the doctor's office when he called me so I wasn't able to go. I hope things are ok and I'm going to make sure I'm available for him the rest of the week in case he needs me. Welp I'm gonna chat with Tony a bit more then crash.

An old poem.

I found this old poem that I wrote just over a year ago when I was starting the decent into my deep depression..........

When I was younger no one really cared about me
Most guys just wanted one thing
As I got older I learned the difference between love and lust
Most call me sex machine, queen, or goddess

When will it end?
Used time and time again
Slowly dying inside
Built the walls strong and high
To keep my heart from being torn apart

Time for a change
Tired of the same old thing
Looking to meet someone
For more than the one night stand
When will they learn there's more to me?

When will it end?
Used time and time again
Slowly dying inside
Built the walls strong and high
To keep my heart from being torn apart

You never loved me so why make this hard?
I've had enough of this game
You keep playing me for a fool
Well this fool is on to you

When will it end?
Used time and time again
Slowly dying inside
Built the walls strong and high
To keep my heart from being torn apart

I can't take this pain anymore
I think it's time to even the score
They'll never know what they missed
It's sad it had to end like this
Just a few more pills and it won't hurt again

When will it end?
Used time and time again
Slowly dying inside
Slowly...dying...inside

Things that make you go hmmmm...

Today's horoscope: Quickie:
There is something about you that radiates power. You are so Donald Trump.
Overview:
A buoyant energy will propel you through your day. Your motto will suddenly become 'Whatever.' Should your dear ones react with shock, offer to help them to a couch so they can recover.
Daily Flirt:
You don't have to put any effort into attracting the right person. Just now you can't help but draw people to you, so you can afford to be picky.
Daily Singles:
You might not have to beat them off with a stick, but you are attracting lots of positive attention. You can afford to be picky about whom you spend your time with.
Daily Extended:
Intense desires rule your actions today, and you're bound to make some passionate choices. Your cycle between extremes can be moderated, however. You are likely to get what you want, as long as you don't go about it in a harmful way. You'll find that your energy is high, and that you are almost able to cast a spell on those you engage in conversation. Take chances with your behavior and appearance, and they will be well-received.

Hmmmmmm...Well that seems pretty accurate since technically nothing happened between Josh and I until after midnight. *giggles*
I wonder how Becca's doing today since she didn't get much sleep. If she would have listened to me sooner she would have gotten a couple more hours sleep. =oP
Not sure what's up for today. I'll probably do the closet organizing thing since I didn't do it yesterday.

*swoon*

Well I talked to Anthony today and he's really interested in Becca which is really great because she's so interested in him. The only bad thing about it is he's moving to Wichita in a week which kinda sucks ass. He had me tell Becca to call him when she got home from work and she did but him and Josh were still watching their friends play baseball so he said he'd call her back. Well about 8:30 he calls her back and asks her to meet him out at Gage Park Ball Diamonds and told her that Josh wanted me to come with her if I wanted to. *swoon* I of course told Becca "yes, like I'd even say no?" Josh is so funny and so sweet, I could really fall for him. We hit it off REALLY well tonight and things advanced pretty fast but we'll see how things go next time we get together. I invited them both to join Becca and I here at the house on the 4th for our BBQ so that should be fun. I learned by talking to Anthony that I was wrong about some of the things I thought about him which I'm really glad I was wrong about them because I really want Becca to be happy with him. I think once he gets things in order he'll be really good for her and vise versa. I have to admit, I was kinda shocked that Josh likes me like I like him but it's really a nice change from the way things had been going for me. I should be in bed but I guess I'm still excited about things with Josh. My main concern with him was that he might be too young but age has never stopped me before from being with someone so I'm not worried about it anymore. I'm not gonna rush anything, what happens happens when it's time for it to happen. OK, time to crash.

WOW!!! I think I finally caught up on some of the sleep I didn't get this weekend. I slept for almost 12 hours. I feel so refreshed.
Well I go to the doctor today at 1:15 to see how my meds are doing for me and if I need them upped or lowered or to try something different. My short term memory has been screwing with me lately since I've been on these meds so I made sure to write everything down that I wanted to discuss with him. I think part of my problem is too much coffee in the mornings and then not eating any breakfast or lunch since I've been getting the shakes pretty bad lately. I also need to start exercising again to build up my muscles some more.

My horoscope for today: Quickie:
Wow, your magnetism! If you were a fridge magnet, the fridge would be stuck to you.
Overview:
Oh, it's quite the day for your sign -- quite the intense, emotionally charged day, that is. Yes, that's just fine with you. Make sure your companions are equally comfortable.
Daily Flirt:
You're like nuclear power -- glowing, mysterious and a little risky. As long as your core is stable, you'll be fine, and people around you will be awed.
Daily Singles:
You're practically radioactive with raw sexy energy right now. Work it like crazy, but try not to burn anyone too badly or you might face a meltdown.


Well I didn't get anything done yesterday except taking a bath, washing my hair, shaving and such. Only other thing I did was chat and take an hour nap which gave me like 3 1/2-4 hours sleep for yesterday.
Becca and I chatted quite a bit after I got up from my nap. She's getting really interested in Anthony but Anthony seems to only be interested in pretty much one thing and that's not a relationship. I got to know Josh a tiny bit and I like him so far but I'm pretty sure I'll never get to see him again unless we get the group together again to hang out. He's pretty cool and has some qualities that remind me of my ex Scott which are good things, they're even the same height and weight which is kinda weird but cool. Oh well I suppose I should just stop thinking about either one of them and move on since I'm pretty sure nothing is going to come out of it.

***Listening to Evanescence - My Immortal*** "when you'd cry I'd wipe away all of your tears, when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears, and I held your hand through all of these years, and you still have all of me"

Today I'll probably reorganize my closet and dresser and stuff so I have everything in a neat order like I like things. I can be so anal-retentive sometimes with things. But I guess it's good to want things neat and clean.
Well I'm gonna go shower since I gotta leave in an hour.

la de da...

God I'm so bored. After being out for the last 3 day sitting here at home with nothing to do really sucks. If I didn't have my music I'd go nuts. I wanna go do something even though I'm broke but then there is always something to do for free like hanging out at friends houses and such. I guess I could clean my room again although it's really not that messy, maybe just put a few things away that make it look not so clean.

***Listening to Gavin DeGraw - I Don't Wanna Be*** "I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn, I'm surrounded by impostors, I'm surrounded by a deadly crisis everywhere I turn, Am I the only one to notice, I can't be the only one who's learned, I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately, All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind, I'm tired of lookin 'round rooms wonderin what I gotta do or who I'm supposed to be, I don't wanna be anything other than me"
(This song fits me pretty well I think. Heehee)

Well I guess I'll go do my tiny bit of cleaning now.

Next on Days of Our Lives...LOL

Ok so Becca and I got things talked out so she knows how I feel about everything that's been going on the last 2 weeks and that I'm putting my family first like I always do because my family is everything to me.
We went out to Gage North Bowl and watched Anthony and his friends Josh, Ned, and Shawn bowl. After that we headed over to Ned's to hang out for a bit then went to Fuzion's. We had fun there for the most part. Then as we were leave a big fight broke out by the door so it was hard to get out but I'm a bitch so I just pushed people the fuck outta my way. LOL Fuzion's has only been open like max 2 weeks and it's already turning out bad. After we all got out of there we went back to Ned's and hung out. The guys talked about their younger days when they were all badass and stuff. LOL It was funny listening to some of the stories. I think we talked for like an hour or so and then realized it was starting to get a bit hot in the apartment so we all went outside for some fresh, cool air. We continued to bullshit around out there for a while then went back in when it started to sprinkle. Anthony and Ned decided to play some playstation bowling game so we were sitting around listening to music, talking, and watching them play the game. We had a pretty good time. Things started winding down and so we all just kinda laid around joking and talking. I almost didn't wanna come home cuz I was having fun and so comfortable. I hope we can all hang out like that again soon, it was a nice change to my normal life and I like hanging at a house better than a loud bowling alley, pool hall, or club. I didn't get home till like 5:30ish and for some reason woke up dripping in sweat at like 8:15am so I didn't get much sleep but I'll probably take a nap in a couple hours.
Tony called me a couple times last night. The 2nd time he apologized for pissing me off and wanted to talk things out. Of all people I trusted him and opened up to him more than I would have with anyone else I barely know so it hurt that he could do that to me. I'm a very open and honest person and I usually wear my heart on my sleeve so to speak. I think my honesty shocks people a lot because they're not used to girls being so open about things. I figure if you wanna know I'll tell ya that way there's no guessing games. Well we'll see how things turn out. I'm still working on being more of a forgive and forget kind of person.

Friends vs Family...

Well I decided that my cousin is way more important to me that any guy out there. Blood is thicker than water afterall and I lover her to death. She's a great person to be around and I wish I had just half of her positive outlook on life. Maybe by hanging out with her more it will help me realize there's more to life than my misery. So to those that are reading this, I will be on yahoo but if I'm not in the mood to talk don't push it.

Welcome to my hell...

Well for those of you wanting to know the names of the guys I was talking about here you go... Bachelor #1 is Tony, which I just found out this morning is more interested in my cousin Becca than me so he's out of the running now. Bachelor #2 is my ex Scott who I'm still hoping to get back with even though I know it will never ever happen. And last but certainly not least, Bachelor #3 is Anthony which made it pretty clear last night that he wants my cousin Becca too so of course he's out of the running as well. So now that I'm down to one guy I know I'll never have again I've realized I'm better off being a hermit and single the rest of my life. Picture me 50 years old, a bitter hag with her dog Peyton because that's exactly how it will be. If I could drink I'd be dunker than shit right now to dull the pain and backstabbing that's been done.
I so need a new life and if I could I'd move away from this HELL and start a new one. Well I will not be on Yahoo for a few weeks probably so if you've been keeping up with this you'll know why. It's just too painful to be on there right now.
Welp I'm gonna go cry some more so bye.

Hmmm...Dilemmas..

Well to go a bit more into detail on the guys I'm interested in...
As I said one guy would never do anything to hurt me intentionaly, he's a really sweet guy, someone I know I could trust with just about everything. Things are kinda complicated there though because of other things and people in his life. He's a really great guy and I definitely want to get to know him more and if nothing comes out of it then at least I'll have a really great friend.
Then there's the guy that I said was a really really long story, well he's an ex of mine. I still have very strong feelings for him and after we broke up we stayed really good friends, bestfriends in fact. But now we rarely talk because his life is so busy now with the military and work and things. I'm not sure he really wants to even be friends with me much anymore though so that really makes things complicated.
The other guy is nice, and I'm attracted to him but I'm not sure what he thinks about me really. I just can't put my finger on it just yet. Sometimes I get the feeling he might like me for more than a friend, then other times I get the feeling he'd just want sex, and then other times I'm just not even sure what's up. I know he needs to get his life back in order though and I respect that because I'm kinda going through that same type of thing right now.
I told my cousin Zach last night that he needs to find me a guy like him that's a little older and not related to me. LOL He did say he'd work on it though. Maybe if he did find someone it would make things easier because it would be someone new and not someone I'm already friends with or was friends with and dated.

On a different note.......I REALLY need to get back to working out again. I can't believe I let myself go for a month. I need to lose some weight and tone up my muscles. That way at least I'll good for myself if not for someone else too.

I'm hoping to have a lot of fun tomorrow with Zach, his friends, and Becca on Zach's boat. After that I plan to go hang with Tony. Maybe we'll all get together and hang out again like last night. That would be really cool. =oD

*yawn*

Well I got a whole maybe 4 hours sleep last night. Peyton got me up at 7:40 this morning and I didn't get to bed till like 2ish. Guess I was more pissed off about the whole Chasers thing than I thought. It wouldn't have pissed me off so bad if I didn't know what goes on there, I've seen on several occasions that the owner has let in underage people just because they were with regulars or were friends of the waitresses. Oh well fuck 'em because I refuse to go back there anymore. I also had some weird dreams about all of us that hung out last night so I kept waking up.
I just don't know what to do anymore or what I really want. I hate feeling lonely but yet I'm not sure I'm ready for a relationship just yet. I miss having someone to cuddle with, kiss, and stuff but I've been burned sooooooo many times I think I need more time to heal before I take a chance on possibly getting hurt again. *siiiiigh* There's a few guys I'm interested in, one I know would never do anything to hurt me intentionaly, another well that's just a really really long story, and the third well I still can't put my finger on that situation. I think I need a change of scenery for a while to clear my head but there's no way I could ever afford a vacation. Ok I have a huge headache now, too much stuff running through my brain so I'm gonna post this now.

Time to rant again...

So it's time for me to rant some more.
Tonight my cousin Becca and I went to Chasers and well that didn't go well after the waitress decided to ask my cousin for her ID like 2 hours after we got there. Then she never said anything after that when my cousin said she didn't have her ID on her. The thing that pissed me off the most about that was that she was with me out there last week and the owner and waitress never carded her and we were there the whole night shooting pool and having a great time. But I guess it must have been their time of the month or something this week. But that's fine I'm never going out there again. I know for a fact they let underage people in there all the time and then the one time they decide to pull this shit with me and my family. It just really pisses me off. If I wanted to be a real bitch about it I could so fuck up their business but I'm not gonna even waste my time with it. Like I said they're just never going to get my business ever again. I'll go to Terry's or Shooters before I ever go back to Chasers again. That shit just totally fucked up my mood for the whole night too. I tried to have fun but it just wasn't working. After that shit happened Anthony, Tony, my cousins, and I went over to Fuzions but it was completely dead so we left and went over to Anthony's and played pool and hung out. That was fun but since my mood was already shot to hell I was kind of a bitch.
Speaking of Anthony, I'm not really sure what's up with him. He flirts with me quite a bit at times and then acts all shy or not interested and then flirts with me again. I just don't know what to think. I mean he's very good looking, he just broke up with someone so he's single again, and from what he's told me he's not ready to settle down which is all good for me because I'm not looking for anything serious I just want basically a friend with benefits for now. Oh well.
Hopefully it's not raining Saturday because Becca and I will be going out on our cousin Zach's boat with him and his friends. But if it is raining then I'm still gonna have fun and hang out with Tony at his apartment.
Well I think I'm too tired to rant anymore so I'm gonna crash and probably rant more when I get up.

***WARNING*** READ AT YOUR OWN RISK! NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THOSE WHO MIGHT GET PISSED OFF!

So OK...My life is really starting to piss me off lately.
I had this friend that I started to have feelings for, took a big chance and poured my heart out to him and he ripped it to shred's...Then he quit talking to me for a while due to drama in his life which seemed more like he was putting the blame on me since it was do to online people...Then out of the blue he talks to me again and expected me to think things were just dandy and all...Then when I'm being a smartass with him he gets pissed off and doesn't talk to me again for a while...This repeated itself a couple times and started to really piss me off...Now I'm not sure I really even want to talk to him anymore because I can't handle that kind of stress.
Then I have this friend, well she used to be a good friend of mine back in high school, anyway she's kinda like family to my stepdad and her daughter is basically my parents grandchild...Well she's turned into like the biggest fucking mooch I've ever know in my entire life...My parents barely get the bills paid around here and if it wasn't for me getting food stamps each month we'd be starving to death...She thinks we're lying about this apparently because she still keeps asking them to borrow money which by the way she never pays back and still owes them $300 which they'll never see again...She keeps bitching about being so broke yet she can buy her daughter a new toy every time she gets to see her and also goes and gets her nails done and fakebakes and all that crap...Well I really wish she'd just get a fucking clue and realize that the world doesn't revolve around her just because she got divorced.
Then I have this friend who I used to date and a short while after we broke up he tried to get some of his friends, which were actually my friends and he would have never met them if it wouldn't have been for me, to not like me anymore by saying I said shit that I never said...He acted like nothing ever happened and since I was desperate for more friends at the time I just put it behind me but didn't hang out with him anymore really...But now we're better friends and he still doesn't listen to me very well and one of these days I'm just gonna bitch him out and he's gonna be like where the fuck did all that come from.
Then I have these bar friends who most of them act like they all wanna get with me and the one time I bring my cousin out with me, who is definitely hotter than me but that's beside the point, they all start drooling over her and don't come talk to me because they're intimidated by her beauty which really made me feel like a fat ugly troll. I suppose we'll see what happens when I bring her out there again this week.
I know everyone has lives and all and mine is just standing still in this big black pit of misery but you'd think if they are truly my friends they'd at least help pick me up out of there if even just for a few hours but it doesn't happen much. I'm about 2 foot from the edge of an even bigger hole that's 6 feet deep and you never come back out of it. I thought the meds were helping but it seems they just keep pushing me from one extreme to the other and I don't know which end is up anymore and I'm starting to get real sick of it. I've tried dealing with the stress in the best ways I know how but it's starting to not work anymore. I'm still trying because I really don't want this getting the best of me and I made a promise to my mother the last time I attempted to end my life that I would never leave her childless.
So now you all can know just a sliver of what my pathetic life is really like and why I never let people know everything.

blah bleh blah...

Well today's turning out to be a boring and depressing day. My shoulder has been hurting more and more now for the past week. I should go get it checked out but right now I'm too broke and next month all my money goes to getting Peyton spayed. I'm in that I'm so sick of men but I'm tired of feeling lonely and unloved mode lately. Kinda sucks. Well I think I'm gonna go turn on some music and try to clean up my room. I'll bitch more later.

Whew...

Well I've finally got almost everything installed back on here except for like 3 programs which I have to download still. Plus my soundcard is missing a driver well actually it's my motherboard that's missing a multimedia sound driver. But hopefully our computer guy can find that for me tomorrow.
So to update on what's happened lately...
My cousin Becca and I went to Chasers Thursday night and had a pretty good time. We had our family dinner Saturday evening and then after that I went out to Coyote's in Lawrence with my cousins Becca and Sarah and Sarah's boyfriend and friends. It was an ok time but could have been a lot more fun. I think we're gonna go to Silverado's in Manhattan in a couple weekends so that will hopefully be a lot more fun. This Thursday my cousins Becca and Zach are going with me to Chasers. We'll have a good time I'm sure. Hmmm well I think that pretty much sums things up for now. If I think of anything I missed I'll add it later.

YAY!!!!!...

Well I got a new HD and we installed it today and everything is working great. I've only got the main drivers installed on it right now but later tonight I'll get my chat programs and other stuff loaded on it. I can't wait to be able to be online again with a HD that actually works correctly. :oD I also can't wait to start downloading all the music I lost again. I lost everything I had on both HD's which really pissed me off but hopefully I can get most of it back soon. Gonna go see how things are going and hopefully hook it up in my room again and get started installing stuff.

*growl* grrrrrrrr...

Well the harddrive that we had saved is now fucked up. It boots sometimes but now it freezes up after startup. I'll be offline again for a day maybe two depending on how long it takes me to install everything again onto a new one. I'm getting so fed up. I told my stepdad I just wanted to get a new harddrive but nooooo he insisted that we try to salvage the slave and now he's learned that that was a big mistake.

Grrrrrrrr...

Well we finally got almost everything set back up on my computer and got the ethernet card working so I can get online but now it's running like an ancient hunk of junk when it's booting. It's starting to piss me off. So once again I'm on my stepdad's computer updating this. Mom and I are going to go see what kind of deal I can get on a new harddrive. Marvin also says I should look into getting a new upgraded motherboard but the one I have is a 1.2ghz so I don't think it's that far out of date yet. Plus I don't have that kind of money to get one, the new HD is going to make me broke for a couple months as it is and my parents don't have any extra money either. Anyway hopefully the new HD will solve the slow bootup problem. I'm gonna go see if my P.O.S. is up and running yet so I can get online again and get the rest of the stuff added on so I can use that HD as a backup one again.

Ho humm...

Well my room is completely rearranged now and I'm liking it a lot better than the way it was. I've got everything in order now. My computer is up and running. YAY! But I still can't get on the internet yet, for some reason no matter what disk I try it can't find my drivers for my ethernet card. Hopefully we'll get that fixed today. I'm hoping to get a new harddrive and then I'll use the one that's working now as a slave again. That way if I should ever lose my main HD again I'll have it all backed up on the slave. Unfortunately I lost everything I had on both harddrives =o( so I'm having to look through all my CD's to find what I can to put back on it. I'll have to download all my chat programs again but that's easy. I'll just have to ask people to resend me their pics and all that good stuff and I'll have to download all the music I lost again.
Well I've been up since 4:30am since Peyton woke me up then and I couldn't get back to sleep. I guess I'll go watch some TV or something maybe even try to go back to sleep for an hour or so if I can.

Must be really bored...

Well I must be really damn bored because I've been working on rearranging everything in my room today. I have a small room and tons of stuff in it so I'm trying to find a way that I like it that's gonna be most comfortable. I think when I'm finally done moving the stuff around today that I'll actually like it a lot more than the way it was. I only have one more major piece of furniture to move in my room and that's my bed, the rest is just odds and ends stuff. I'm pretty tired as it is and my feet hurt so that's why I'm taking a breaking and sitting down at my stepdad's computer. I check my emails for like the 3rd time today and so far only 4 people have replied to me. *Siiiiiiiigh* I really really really hope I can get my computer fixed. I'm starting to go insane having to use this computer. I never really knew how pampered I was with my own computer. I have a nice cordless mouse and keyboard and my computer runs much faster than this one even though they're almost the same thing. Well back to "work" on my room.

my life sucks...

Well it doesn't look like I'm gonna get my computer back up and running for a while now. Our friend Marvin is going to get me a new tower case and he thinks he might be able to restore my harddrives. I really hope we can get it all fixed. I'll be losing almost everything on there except what I can download again or what I happen to have backed up.
Well I'm gonna go watch some TV now since I don't have anything else to do.

BOOM, BIG BIG BOOM!

Well fuck me sideways till Sunday... As we look further into this computer problem it appears it fried almost everything. Both harddrives won't recognize in my stepdad's computer and his harddrive wouldn't recognize in mine so it looks like not only did the power supply go but both harddrives and probably my whole damn motherboard too. Anyone wanna help out a very poor young lady and donate some computer parts that actually work??? Heh! So as it stands now I won't be on any chat programs anytime soon. Hope you all enjoy this time off from me. Gonna go eat dinner and sulk some more.

BOOM, BIG BOOM!!!

Well come to find out it wasn't just the power supply that blew up, it also wiped out my entire main harddrive. I was performing the defragmentation of both drives and apparently it was still defraging the main harddrive when the power supply blew up. So I'm having to format my slave harddrive and hopefully we can still save what was the main one and use it for a slave. *crosses her fingers and prays that this all works out*
To top that all off I had to deal with my annoying ass spoiled brat of a niece today. Thank God mom and I had to leave this afternoon for her doctor appointment and to get gas for the lawnmower and run another errand. I was about ready to kill that child. She kept ringing the damn doorbell like 15 times in a row which was driving the dogs nuts and making them bark their heads off. Then she was wanting to chase them around and Peyton doesn't like kids as it is since she was abused by a little kid before I got her. After that she didn't wanna listen to or obey my mom so I of course had to step in and yell at her to stop what she was doing and start listening to "nanna" or I was going to spank her ass. That child needs some major discipline in her life. Just because her parents got divorced is not a reason to let her run their lives and do as she pleases and boss people around like she does now.
Welp I'm gonna go check on the process of my computer now. Hopefully we'll have it running tonight.

Bing, Bang, BOOM!

Well this fucking sucks ass...My computer blew up last night. At about 3:45am I heard a rattle type noise and then a loud pop and I about sat straight up in bed. It even scared my puppy. I got out of bed to see what happened and found out that my computer was dead. I felt around on the back of it and the area where the power supply is was very hot and nothing else was so I'm assuming it's just the power supply that blew. I hope to have it back up and running soon, I think we have an extra power supply around here somewhere. I hate using my stepdad's computer because his keyboard is so old, loud, and annoying plus he's got so much crap on this thing it runs slow and it's about the same computer as mine. I'll be checking my emails several times a day so I can keep in touch with everyone. I'll also keep people informed of the situation on here. If anything new developes I'll let you know. For now I'll just have to go through withdrawls from my computer.

Bleh...

So today was boring as hell. I mowed the fenced in part of the back yard today. Other than that I sat around most of the day staring at the computer screen and kinda chatting a bit. Oh and I also went to Kohl's and got 3 pairs of shorts, went to Target and got 1 pair of shorts and a new little purse. Ben called me while I was shopping which was a nice surprise. He told me to email him when I got home from shopping but he hasn't emailed me back or called. Wonder if his boys got too rowdy and he had to bust their asses. LOL Ahhh the joys of NOT having kids. Heehee!

Man I've been so bummed out and hungry this weekend. Today alone I've had 3 donuts, 3 pieces of pizza, a fudge bar, a few pieces of cantaloupe and honey dew melon, and a plum...plus 2 big glasses of juice, and 2 cans of pop. *oink, oink...moo, moo*

Ok time for my pet peeve part... Wtf is with all these people who never smoke pot in their life until they like turned 20 or 21 and now they think it's just all the rage and that they should do it every damn day and talk about it that often too. Dudes I did it back in high school, it was boring as hell, get over it!!! This isn't the fucking 60's man. Granted maybe it's a good way to relieve some stress from everyday life but only if your life is like stressful as hell. Use some common sense and moderation people! I am sooooo sick of hearing about pot every god forsaken day. Can all you pot smokers please talk about something else for a change??? I don't care if your momma smoked pot while she was pregnant with you and you've been smoking it since you first figured out how, just talk about something else for a change. It's 4:20 do you know where your brain is??? Probably higher than the moon right now. ...Ok I think I'm done with my rant for now.

Well I'm still bored as hell so I guess I'll go see what lame ass shows are on TV.

Well I was wrong on the date of my family dinner in Lyndon, it's actually next saturday. Oh well.

Mom and I went shopping again today but my goal was to get tank tops and shorts that fit for a cheap price. Well that didn't happen so I guess I'll just have to stick with my old tank tops and hope they fit ok still since I've gained weight since last summer. I'll also have to just wear jeans since I don't have any shorts that fit anymore.
We also went to get groceries....MMMMmmmm fudge bars and they're 98% fat free so they're not too bad for me. heehee We also got some icee pops, plums, cantalope, and honey dew melon, so I'm set for some summer food. Never shop when you're craving certain foods, LOL.

My cousin Becca is going with me Thursday night to Chasers. We're gonna have fun checking out the hotties, playing pool, and hanging out with my friends.

Not much else to report except I'm bored now and will probably end up sitting at home alone all night.

Still bored...

Well everything is ok with mom, they gave her a perscription to help with the dizziness.
MMMMMmmmmmmmmm......We had chinese food for dinner tonight. I haven't had chinese since like around christmas time last year I think. It was really good too.
Sunday I'm going to make myself start my exercise/workout stuff again since I've been so lazy the last 2 weeks. I really need to get into shape and work for a flatter stomach.
Not much else to report or bitch about right now. Maybe I'll have something more exciting tomorrow. I've got a family dinner tomorrow in Lyndon so that should be fun because I'll get to hang out with my 2 favorite cousins Becca and Zach. I'll probably take my digital camera with me and get some new pics of our family.
Well I think I'm gonna go back outside where it's warmer than my room because I'm freezing my tits off.

Bored...

Man I feel like a porky today. I ate 2 big donuts for brunch and I'm trying to diet. Oh well I just won't eat lunch and I'll have a light dinner.

I'm checking out all the Josh Groban song I downloaded to make sure they're all good quality. Then I'm gonna make a couple CD's for my best friend Autumn since she loves his music so much. I like him too, he's got and awesome voice but I suppose if you don't like any kind of classical/opera music then you wouldn't like him.

I'm cold today for some reason and I know it's not cold outside. Maybe I just need to get up and move around some more again. Sitting at this computer always makes me feel colder.

I had an interesting dream about some of my friends from Chasers last night. It was kinda weird but still a good dream.

I gotta take mom to the doctor today again to see what's causing her dizziness still. Then we're gonna go to Target. So I guess I'm gonna go take a bath and get dressed now.

weeeeeeeeeee.............

Well I had fun at Chasers. Nate, Anthony, Dave, and Johnny were there and a few others. Oh, Scott and Linden were there too but they didn't really talk to me except for saying hi and how ya doing as they were leaving, then they came back and Scott said hi and they sat at the bar next to me watching tv then left again without even saying bye. That's ok, I didn't go out there for them anyway. I'm starting to get better at playing pool at least. I'll probably go hang with everyone again next Thursday night.
Tony called me on his way to Chasers after a wedding rehersal dinner he had to work but I was already home since my eyes were killing me from all the smoke. My throat was hurting when I left too from the smoke I guess. Thank God for Tylenol Sore Throat medicine. LOL
I told Paul (my lil bro) that he has till November 14th to find me a really good man that'll treat me right and take good care of me. LOL I figure if I'm still single on November 15th when I turn 30 then I might as well just fucking stay single.
Well I guess I'm gonna go crash now, getting a bit sleepy.

*UGH*

Man I'm already getting sooooooooo sick of this rain. It's driving me more insane than I already am.

***Listening to Vertical Horizon - I'm Still Here right now***

Well mom's gonna color my hair today and hopefully this should bring it to my natural blonde color. (crosses her fingers) If it looks decent I'll have mom take a new pic after I style it.
Man I can't wait to get out tonight. I really need this time out with friends and being able to knock some balls around might help relieve some of my aggression and stress.

***Listening to Breaking Benjamin - Medicate right now***

I'm really beginning to like venting on this thing. It's really starting to help so I don't keep everything bottled up inside anymore. Other than that I really need a nice long vacation to relax and clear my head. But I guess this will have to do for now since I'll never be able to afford a vacation.

***Listening to Incubus - I Miss You right now*** "you do something to me that i can't explain so would i be out of line if i said i miss you"

Hmmmm...I really need to do laundry today, I don't have any clean jeans to wear tonight. I guess I should go do that then and quit writing on this thing.

*siiiiiigh* I'm not really sure what to do anymore. My mind keeps racing with thoughts and I'm trying to keep up with them all but it's impossible.
I've been think a lot about my ex-bf Scott (who lives in Wichita) lately and I just wish I could get over it but for some reason my mind/heart won't let me. We're still kinda friends but we don't really talk much anymore since he's so busy with his job and the air national guard and whatever else. Maybe that's why I think about him so much because we never get to talk like friends normally do anymore.

***Listening to Evanescence - Going Under right now***

I've been trying to get out more and make more friends but so far I've only made one new friend who actually cares about me and enjoys talking to me. His name is Tony. He's pretty cool, plays pool at Chasers. He's a nice guy, someone I know I can trust and I like talking to him, he's been a pretty good friend lately.
I had another new friend named Scott but he's got too much drama in his life right now so I got pushed to the side. Actually to tell the truth I don't think he really wants to be friends with me anymore. He hasn't talked to me since we played pool at Chasers on Friday, which I had to leave kinda early due to a migrane which really sucked. Oh well, his loss I say.

***Listening to Alanis Morrissette - Ironic right now***

I've made a few more new chat friends. They're pretty cool. It's nice having fresh people to talk to that actually like chatting with me about other things than sex and nude pics and crap like that.
I didn't get much done today, was kinda too tired and bummed out. Still pretty bummed out but oh well life goes on right.
Well I'm definately going to Chasers tomorrow night, after all this crap I really need a night out with some of my friends out there. The whole gang that I hung out with on Thursday night should all be out there. I'll definately play some pool, probably with Nate after league is done or maybe even during if there's a table open just so he can get some practice in if he wants to.

***Listening to Disturbed - Believe right now***

Rain rain go away....

Man this sucks. I hate the rain and it's gonna be like this pretty much all week and weekend.
Peyton's gonna be a pain in the ass all week now because she gets so hyper and awnry when she gets wet and you have to dry her off. Plus she's figured out 2 ways to get up on my bed now and thinks she should be up there. She doesn't do it though when I'm sleeping on the bed which is good or she'd be jumping right in the middle of me. It is starting to piss me off though because I really don't want her sleeping on my bed.

***Listening to Maroon 5 - Sunday Morning right now***

Well I'm definately going to Chasers tomorrow night, I'll probably head out there around 7pm after I eat. It should be entertaining at the least and maybe I'll even play some pool when league is done.

I'm really gonna be bored today. I wish someone could come visit me and keep me company but all my friends are either in class or at work or just too busy.

***Listening to 3 Doors Down - So I Need You right now***

No one is chatting on IRC right now, I'm bored. Hmmmmm...I guess I'll go download some more MP3s. I've still got a pretty good list to try to find stuff from. I'm up to 3,372 MP3s right now but by the time I get this list finished I'll probably have more than 3,500.

***Listening to Something Corporate - Break Myself right now***

(yawn) Welp I guess I'll post this now.

Blah...

Well I think it's gonna start raining here in a bit which means I can't go out and enjoy the nice day and fresh air. Oh well.

... Mmmmmmmmm my comforter still smells a little like Brian's cologne. I know he's just a good friend but damn he smells good. heehee I had an interesting dream about him last night though, not sure what to think about that. ...

Guess it'll be a good day to try to do some writting or maybe download more mp3's. Not really sure what else to do, I'm broke, don't have much of a life, and almost all my friends are way too busy for me anyway so here at home I sit.

I know I bitch quite a lot about guys on this thing but it's just cuz I don't understand them anymore like I used to. Maybe I'm just getting too old. After all I'll be the big 3-0 in November. I'm so tired of getting fucked over, I'm too nice and easy going of a person.
I need to get a backbone again like I used to have in high school. Back then there wasn't anything anyone could do to hurt me because I just sluffed it off and went on about my buisness and having fun. I partied a lot back then so I met lots of people and got around a bit and learned how to be thick skinned, but part of that thick skin also came from dealing with my asshole of a father. I blame him most for my shitty childhood and how I am now. He was always an asshole and made it very clear to me at a very early age that I was supposed to be a boy and not a girl because he wanted a son. Not to mention he passed on his Manic-Depressive gene to me. Oh well...Life goes on.

Well I guess I'll shut up now, probably enough bitching for you all to read today.

Relaxing...

Welp I got to hang out today with my friend Brian. I hadn't seen him for like 2 years. It was really nice spending time with him just relaxing, talking, listening to music, and hanging out. I miss being able to do that with my friends. Everyone is just so busy anymore that I almost never get to see them or talk to them. Hopefully Brian can come hang out with me again sometime soon. I'll probably be going to Chasers Thursday night to hang with some friends out there in the pool league. It'll be nice to see some of them again, it's been a couple months other than when I went out there last Thursday.