I think I really need a break from my life. Everything has been so screwed up lately that sometimes I don't know what end is up anymore or what's going on with who and when and why. Everything is becoming a blur, one big mess and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm losing friends and I'm making some new ones. I kinda want to move back to Wichita but there's no way I could do that because 1.) I couldn't afford it and 2.) I have no one to live there with until I could get on my feet and get my own place. To top all that off since I've been coming home so late my mom decided to give me a 1 o'clock curfew last night. That pissed me off so much, I'm almost 30 years old and I've never had a curfew in my entire life. I dunno maybe I should just be a hermit, things wouldn't get complicated then at least. I'm also really getting tired of this back and forth mood swing shit that this medication is doing to me but the doctor says that's normal until I start getting a good night's sleep every night to let my body relax.
Well I have to go clean now.
Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Horoscope and Poem
Scorpio
Daily singles love: Let cutie do the work for a little while; you've been sweating bullets and now it's their turn. You don't have to play hard-to-get, but you have earned a break from your efforts.
Daily flirt: It's time to cool your jets for a while and let other people take the risks. You've been spreading your energy out all over the place, so for now just rest and take it easy.
Daily extended: Your imagination may have taken things a little too far ... Or not. Practical assessment of a situation chases out any misgivings. There really are no disturbing ripples in the natural order of things. Work on gaining the respect of others by showing self-sufficiency. The good news is that the next few days bring you something exciting you'd never dreamed of.
Hmmmmm......Well that's seems fairly accurate with the way things are going.
I found another old poem I wrote over a year ago for my ex boyfriend Scott.
When you're near me I feel weak
You make my heart skip a beat
Baby I can barely breathe
Nothing can replace your love
No darlin' nothing can replace your love
You were sent from up above
Nothing can replace your love
My heart belongs to you
Only you know this is true
My soul is not complete
Until you're here next to me
Nothing can replace your love
No darlin' nothing can replace your love
It was written in the stars above
Nothing can replace your love
All my dreams came true
The day that I met you
My heart goes pitter-patter
At the sound of your laughter
Nothing can replace your love
No darlin' nothing can replace your love
You were sent from up above
Nothing can replace your love
When you're lying here next to me
Baby I just watch you sleep
And wonder what you're dreaming about
That puts that smile on your face
Nothing can replace your love
No darlin' nothing can replace your love
You were sent from up above
Nothing can replace your love
It was written in the stars above
Nothing can replace your love
No darlin' nothing can replace your love
Nothing can replace your love
Daily singles love: Let cutie do the work for a little while; you've been sweating bullets and now it's their turn. You don't have to play hard-to-get, but you have earned a break from your efforts.
Daily flirt: It's time to cool your jets for a while and let other people take the risks. You've been spreading your energy out all over the place, so for now just rest and take it easy.
Daily extended: Your imagination may have taken things a little too far ... Or not. Practical assessment of a situation chases out any misgivings. There really are no disturbing ripples in the natural order of things. Work on gaining the respect of others by showing self-sufficiency. The good news is that the next few days bring you something exciting you'd never dreamed of.
Hmmmmm......Well that's seems fairly accurate with the way things are going.
I found another old poem I wrote over a year ago for my ex boyfriend Scott.
When you're near me I feel weak
You make my heart skip a beat
Baby I can barely breathe
Nothing can replace your love
No darlin' nothing can replace your love
You were sent from up above
Nothing can replace your love
My heart belongs to you
Only you know this is true
My soul is not complete
Until you're here next to me
Nothing can replace your love
No darlin' nothing can replace your love
It was written in the stars above
Nothing can replace your love
All my dreams came true
The day that I met you
My heart goes pitter-patter
At the sound of your laughter
Nothing can replace your love
No darlin' nothing can replace your love
You were sent from up above
Nothing can replace your love
When you're lying here next to me
Baby I just watch you sleep
And wonder what you're dreaming about
That puts that smile on your face
Nothing can replace your love
No darlin' nothing can replace your love
You were sent from up above
Nothing can replace your love
It was written in the stars above
Nothing can replace your love
No darlin' nothing can replace your love
Nothing can replace your love
Guess I was wrong...
Well I guess I was wrong about Josh. Or at least that's how it seems tonight. I went out with Becca and Anthony tonight and we called Josh several times but he had his cell phone of while he was at Terry's Billiards playing pool and then never returned my calls and I left msgs. Oh well, at least I hadn't fallen so hard for him like the rest of the guys I was wanting to date. Well Ben called me tonight and wanted to crash here with me but since I thought I was gonna be with Josh I told him I didn't think it would work cuz I didn't know when I'd be home for sure so he said he'd just call me later. I felt bad because I think he's going through something and I'm not there for him. He tried to hook up with me for lunch yesterday but I was at the doctor's office when he called me so I wasn't able to go. I hope things are ok and I'm going to make sure I'm available for him the rest of the week in case he needs me. Welp I'm gonna chat with Tony a bit more then crash.
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
An old poem.
I found this old poem that I wrote just over a year ago when I was starting the decent into my deep depression..........
When I was younger no one really cared about me
Most guys just wanted one thing
As I got older I learned the difference between love and lust
Most call me sex machine, queen, or goddess
When will it end?
Used time and time again
Slowly dying inside
Built the walls strong and high
To keep my heart from being torn apart
Time for a change
Tired of the same old thing
Looking to meet someone
For more than the one night stand
When will they learn there's more to me?
When will it end?
Used time and time again
Slowly dying inside
Built the walls strong and high
To keep my heart from being torn apart
You never loved me so why make this hard?
I've had enough of this game
You keep playing me for a fool
Well this fool is on to you
When will it end?
Used time and time again
Slowly dying inside
Built the walls strong and high
To keep my heart from being torn apart
I can't take this pain anymore
I think it's time to even the score
They'll never know what they missed
It's sad it had to end like this
Just a few more pills and it won't hurt again
When will it end?
Used time and time again
Slowly dying inside
Slowly...dying...inside
When I was younger no one really cared about me
Most guys just wanted one thing
As I got older I learned the difference between love and lust
Most call me sex machine, queen, or goddess
When will it end?
Used time and time again
Slowly dying inside
Built the walls strong and high
To keep my heart from being torn apart
Time for a change
Tired of the same old thing
Looking to meet someone
For more than the one night stand
When will they learn there's more to me?
When will it end?
Used time and time again
Slowly dying inside
Built the walls strong and high
To keep my heart from being torn apart
You never loved me so why make this hard?
I've had enough of this game
You keep playing me for a fool
Well this fool is on to you
When will it end?
Used time and time again
Slowly dying inside
Built the walls strong and high
To keep my heart from being torn apart
I can't take this pain anymore
I think it's time to even the score
They'll never know what they missed
It's sad it had to end like this
Just a few more pills and it won't hurt again
When will it end?
Used time and time again
Slowly dying inside
Slowly...dying...inside
Things that make you go hmmmm...
Today's horoscope: Quickie:
There is something about you that radiates power. You are so Donald Trump.
Overview:
A buoyant energy will propel you through your day. Your motto will suddenly become 'Whatever.' Should your dear ones react with shock, offer to help them to a couch so they can recover.
Daily Flirt:
You don't have to put any effort into attracting the right person. Just now you can't help but draw people to you, so you can afford to be picky.
Daily Singles:
You might not have to beat them off with a stick, but you are attracting lots of positive attention. You can afford to be picky about whom you spend your time with.
Daily Extended:
Intense desires rule your actions today, and you're bound to make some passionate choices. Your cycle between extremes can be moderated, however. You are likely to get what you want, as long as you don't go about it in a harmful way. You'll find that your energy is high, and that you are almost able to cast a spell on those you engage in conversation. Take chances with your behavior and appearance, and they will be well-received.
Hmmmmmm...Well that seems pretty accurate since technically nothing happened between Josh and I until after midnight. *giggles*
I wonder how Becca's doing today since she didn't get much sleep. If she would have listened to me sooner she would have gotten a couple more hours sleep. =oP
Not sure what's up for today. I'll probably do the closet organizing thing since I didn't do it yesterday.
There is something about you that radiates power. You are so Donald Trump.
Overview:
A buoyant energy will propel you through your day. Your motto will suddenly become 'Whatever.' Should your dear ones react with shock, offer to help them to a couch so they can recover.
Daily Flirt:
You don't have to put any effort into attracting the right person. Just now you can't help but draw people to you, so you can afford to be picky.
Daily Singles:
You might not have to beat them off with a stick, but you are attracting lots of positive attention. You can afford to be picky about whom you spend your time with.
Daily Extended:
Intense desires rule your actions today, and you're bound to make some passionate choices. Your cycle between extremes can be moderated, however. You are likely to get what you want, as long as you don't go about it in a harmful way. You'll find that your energy is high, and that you are almost able to cast a spell on those you engage in conversation. Take chances with your behavior and appearance, and they will be well-received.
Hmmmmmm...Well that seems pretty accurate since technically nothing happened between Josh and I until after midnight. *giggles*
I wonder how Becca's doing today since she didn't get much sleep. If she would have listened to me sooner she would have gotten a couple more hours sleep. =oP
Not sure what's up for today. I'll probably do the closet organizing thing since I didn't do it yesterday.
*swoon*
Well I talked to Anthony today and he's really interested in Becca which is really great because she's so interested in him. The only bad thing about it is he's moving to Wichita in a week which kinda sucks ass. He had me tell Becca to call him when she got home from work and she did but him and Josh were still watching their friends play baseball so he said he'd call her back. Well about 8:30 he calls her back and asks her to meet him out at Gage Park Ball Diamonds and told her that Josh wanted me to come with her if I wanted to. *swoon* I of course told Becca "yes, like I'd even say no?" Josh is so funny and so sweet, I could really fall for him. We hit it off REALLY well tonight and things advanced pretty fast but we'll see how things go next time we get together. I invited them both to join Becca and I here at the house on the 4th for our BBQ so that should be fun. I learned by talking to Anthony that I was wrong about some of the things I thought about him which I'm really glad I was wrong about them because I really want Becca to be happy with him. I think once he gets things in order he'll be really good for her and vise versa. I have to admit, I was kinda shocked that Josh likes me like I like him but it's really a nice change from the way things had been going for me. I should be in bed but I guess I'm still excited about things with Josh. My main concern with him was that he might be too young but age has never stopped me before from being with someone so I'm not worried about it anymore. I'm not gonna rush anything, what happens happens when it's time for it to happen. OK, time to crash.
Monday, June 28, 2004
WOW!!! I think I finally caught up on some of the sleep I didn't get this weekend. I slept for almost 12 hours. I feel so refreshed.
Well I go to the doctor today at 1:15 to see how my meds are doing for me and if I need them upped or lowered or to try something different. My short term memory has been screwing with me lately since I've been on these meds so I made sure to write everything down that I wanted to discuss with him. I think part of my problem is too much coffee in the mornings and then not eating any breakfast or lunch since I've been getting the shakes pretty bad lately. I also need to start exercising again to build up my muscles some more.
My horoscope for today: Quickie:
Wow, your magnetism! If you were a fridge magnet, the fridge would be stuck to you.
Overview:
Oh, it's quite the day for your sign -- quite the intense, emotionally charged day, that is. Yes, that's just fine with you. Make sure your companions are equally comfortable.
Daily Flirt:
You're like nuclear power -- glowing, mysterious and a little risky. As long as your core is stable, you'll be fine, and people around you will be awed.
Daily Singles:
You're practically radioactive with raw sexy energy right now. Work it like crazy, but try not to burn anyone too badly or you might face a meltdown.
Well I didn't get anything done yesterday except taking a bath, washing my hair, shaving and such. Only other thing I did was chat and take an hour nap which gave me like 3 1/2-4 hours sleep for yesterday.
Becca and I chatted quite a bit after I got up from my nap. She's getting really interested in Anthony but Anthony seems to only be interested in pretty much one thing and that's not a relationship. I got to know Josh a tiny bit and I like him so far but I'm pretty sure I'll never get to see him again unless we get the group together again to hang out. He's pretty cool and has some qualities that remind me of my ex Scott which are good things, they're even the same height and weight which is kinda weird but cool. Oh well I suppose I should just stop thinking about either one of them and move on since I'm pretty sure nothing is going to come out of it.
***Listening to Evanescence - My Immortal*** "when you'd cry I'd wipe away all of your tears, when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears, and I held your hand through all of these years, and you still have all of me"
Today I'll probably reorganize my closet and dresser and stuff so I have everything in a neat order like I like things. I can be so anal-retentive sometimes with things. But I guess it's good to want things neat and clean.
Well I'm gonna go shower since I gotta leave in an hour.
Well I go to the doctor today at 1:15 to see how my meds are doing for me and if I need them upped or lowered or to try something different. My short term memory has been screwing with me lately since I've been on these meds so I made sure to write everything down that I wanted to discuss with him. I think part of my problem is too much coffee in the mornings and then not eating any breakfast or lunch since I've been getting the shakes pretty bad lately. I also need to start exercising again to build up my muscles some more.
My horoscope for today: Quickie:
Wow, your magnetism! If you were a fridge magnet, the fridge would be stuck to you.
Overview:
Oh, it's quite the day for your sign -- quite the intense, emotionally charged day, that is. Yes, that's just fine with you. Make sure your companions are equally comfortable.
Daily Flirt:
You're like nuclear power -- glowing, mysterious and a little risky. As long as your core is stable, you'll be fine, and people around you will be awed.
Daily Singles:
You're practically radioactive with raw sexy energy right now. Work it like crazy, but try not to burn anyone too badly or you might face a meltdown.
Well I didn't get anything done yesterday except taking a bath, washing my hair, shaving and such. Only other thing I did was chat and take an hour nap which gave me like 3 1/2-4 hours sleep for yesterday.
Becca and I chatted quite a bit after I got up from my nap. She's getting really interested in Anthony but Anthony seems to only be interested in pretty much one thing and that's not a relationship. I got to know Josh a tiny bit and I like him so far but I'm pretty sure I'll never get to see him again unless we get the group together again to hang out. He's pretty cool and has some qualities that remind me of my ex Scott which are good things, they're even the same height and weight which is kinda weird but cool. Oh well I suppose I should just stop thinking about either one of them and move on since I'm pretty sure nothing is going to come out of it.
***Listening to Evanescence - My Immortal*** "when you'd cry I'd wipe away all of your tears, when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears, and I held your hand through all of these years, and you still have all of me"
Today I'll probably reorganize my closet and dresser and stuff so I have everything in a neat order like I like things. I can be so anal-retentive sometimes with things. But I guess it's good to want things neat and clean.
Well I'm gonna go shower since I gotta leave in an hour.
Sunday, June 27, 2004
la de da...
God I'm so bored. After being out for the last 3 day sitting here at home with nothing to do really sucks. If I didn't have my music I'd go nuts. I wanna go do something even though I'm broke but then there is always something to do for free like hanging out at friends houses and such. I guess I could clean my room again although it's really not that messy, maybe just put a few things away that make it look not so clean.
***Listening to Gavin DeGraw - I Don't Wanna Be*** "I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn, I'm surrounded by impostors, I'm surrounded by a deadly crisis everywhere I turn, Am I the only one to notice, I can't be the only one who's learned, I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately, All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind, I'm tired of lookin 'round rooms wonderin what I gotta do or who I'm supposed to be, I don't wanna be anything other than me"
(This song fits me pretty well I think. Heehee)
Well I guess I'll go do my tiny bit of cleaning now.
***Listening to Gavin DeGraw - I Don't Wanna Be*** "I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn, I'm surrounded by impostors, I'm surrounded by a deadly crisis everywhere I turn, Am I the only one to notice, I can't be the only one who's learned, I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately, All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind, I'm tired of lookin 'round rooms wonderin what I gotta do or who I'm supposed to be, I don't wanna be anything other than me"
(This song fits me pretty well I think. Heehee)
Well I guess I'll go do my tiny bit of cleaning now.
Next on Days of Our Lives...LOL
Ok so Becca and I got things talked out so she knows how I feel about everything that's been going on the last 2 weeks and that I'm putting my family first like I always do because my family is everything to me.
We went out to Gage North Bowl and watched Anthony and his friends Josh, Ned, and Shawn bowl. After that we headed over to Ned's to hang out for a bit then went to Fuzion's. We had fun there for the most part. Then as we were leave a big fight broke out by the door so it was hard to get out but I'm a bitch so I just pushed people the fuck outta my way. LOL Fuzion's has only been open like max 2 weeks and it's already turning out bad. After we all got out of there we went back to Ned's and hung out. The guys talked about their younger days when they were all badass and stuff. LOL It was funny listening to some of the stories. I think we talked for like an hour or so and then realized it was starting to get a bit hot in the apartment so we all went outside for some fresh, cool air. We continued to bullshit around out there for a while then went back in when it started to sprinkle. Anthony and Ned decided to play some playstation bowling game so we were sitting around listening to music, talking, and watching them play the game. We had a pretty good time. Things started winding down and so we all just kinda laid around joking and talking. I almost didn't wanna come home cuz I was having fun and so comfortable. I hope we can all hang out like that again soon, it was a nice change to my normal life and I like hanging at a house better than a loud bowling alley, pool hall, or club. I didn't get home till like 5:30ish and for some reason woke up dripping in sweat at like 8:15am so I didn't get much sleep but I'll probably take a nap in a couple hours.
Tony called me a couple times last night. The 2nd time he apologized for pissing me off and wanted to talk things out. Of all people I trusted him and opened up to him more than I would have with anyone else I barely know so it hurt that he could do that to me. I'm a very open and honest person and I usually wear my heart on my sleeve so to speak. I think my honesty shocks people a lot because they're not used to girls being so open about things. I figure if you wanna know I'll tell ya that way there's no guessing games. Well we'll see how things turn out. I'm still working on being more of a forgive and forget kind of person.
We went out to Gage North Bowl and watched Anthony and his friends Josh, Ned, and Shawn bowl. After that we headed over to Ned's to hang out for a bit then went to Fuzion's. We had fun there for the most part. Then as we were leave a big fight broke out by the door so it was hard to get out but I'm a bitch so I just pushed people the fuck outta my way. LOL Fuzion's has only been open like max 2 weeks and it's already turning out bad. After we all got out of there we went back to Ned's and hung out. The guys talked about their younger days when they were all badass and stuff. LOL It was funny listening to some of the stories. I think we talked for like an hour or so and then realized it was starting to get a bit hot in the apartment so we all went outside for some fresh, cool air. We continued to bullshit around out there for a while then went back in when it started to sprinkle. Anthony and Ned decided to play some playstation bowling game so we were sitting around listening to music, talking, and watching them play the game. We had a pretty good time. Things started winding down and so we all just kinda laid around joking and talking. I almost didn't wanna come home cuz I was having fun and so comfortable. I hope we can all hang out like that again soon, it was a nice change to my normal life and I like hanging at a house better than a loud bowling alley, pool hall, or club. I didn't get home till like 5:30ish and for some reason woke up dripping in sweat at like 8:15am so I didn't get much sleep but I'll probably take a nap in a couple hours.
Tony called me a couple times last night. The 2nd time he apologized for pissing me off and wanted to talk things out. Of all people I trusted him and opened up to him more than I would have with anyone else I barely know so it hurt that he could do that to me. I'm a very open and honest person and I usually wear my heart on my sleeve so to speak. I think my honesty shocks people a lot because they're not used to girls being so open about things. I figure if you wanna know I'll tell ya that way there's no guessing games. Well we'll see how things turn out. I'm still working on being more of a forgive and forget kind of person.
Saturday, June 26, 2004
Friends vs Family...
Well I decided that my cousin is way more important to me that any guy out there. Blood is thicker than water afterall and I lover her to death. She's a great person to be around and I wish I had just half of her positive outlook on life. Maybe by hanging out with her more it will help me realize there's more to life than my misery. So to those that are reading this, I will be on yahoo but if I'm not in the mood to talk don't push it.
Welcome to my hell...
Well for those of you wanting to know the names of the guys I was talking about here you go... Bachelor #1 is Tony, which I just found out this morning is more interested in my cousin Becca than me so he's out of the running now. Bachelor #2 is my ex Scott who I'm still hoping to get back with even though I know it will never ever happen. And last but certainly not least, Bachelor #3 is Anthony which made it pretty clear last night that he wants my cousin Becca too so of course he's out of the running as well. So now that I'm down to one guy I know I'll never have again I've realized I'm better off being a hermit and single the rest of my life. Picture me 50 years old, a bitter hag with her dog Peyton because that's exactly how it will be. If I could drink I'd be dunker than shit right now to dull the pain and backstabbing that's been done.
I so need a new life and if I could I'd move away from this HELL and start a new one. Well I will not be on Yahoo for a few weeks probably so if you've been keeping up with this you'll know why. It's just too painful to be on there right now.
Welp I'm gonna go cry some more so bye.
I so need a new life and if I could I'd move away from this HELL and start a new one. Well I will not be on Yahoo for a few weeks probably so if you've been keeping up with this you'll know why. It's just too painful to be on there right now.
Welp I'm gonna go cry some more so bye.
Friday, June 25, 2004
Hmmm...Dilemmas..
Well to go a bit more into detail on the guys I'm interested in...
As I said one guy would never do anything to hurt me intentionaly, he's a really sweet guy, someone I know I could trust with just about everything. Things are kinda complicated there though because of other things and people in his life. He's a really great guy and I definitely want to get to know him more and if nothing comes out of it then at least I'll have a really great friend.
Then there's the guy that I said was a really really long story, well he's an ex of mine. I still have very strong feelings for him and after we broke up we stayed really good friends, bestfriends in fact. But now we rarely talk because his life is so busy now with the military and work and things. I'm not sure he really wants to even be friends with me much anymore though so that really makes things complicated.
The other guy is nice, and I'm attracted to him but I'm not sure what he thinks about me really. I just can't put my finger on it just yet. Sometimes I get the feeling he might like me for more than a friend, then other times I get the feeling he'd just want sex, and then other times I'm just not even sure what's up. I know he needs to get his life back in order though and I respect that because I'm kinda going through that same type of thing right now.
I told my cousin Zach last night that he needs to find me a guy like him that's a little older and not related to me. LOL He did say he'd work on it though. Maybe if he did find someone it would make things easier because it would be someone new and not someone I'm already friends with or was friends with and dated.
On a different note.......I REALLY need to get back to working out again. I can't believe I let myself go for a month. I need to lose some weight and tone up my muscles. That way at least I'll good for myself if not for someone else too.
I'm hoping to have a lot of fun tomorrow with Zach, his friends, and Becca on Zach's boat. After that I plan to go hang with Tony. Maybe we'll all get together and hang out again like last night. That would be really cool. =oD
As I said one guy would never do anything to hurt me intentionaly, he's a really sweet guy, someone I know I could trust with just about everything. Things are kinda complicated there though because of other things and people in his life. He's a really great guy and I definitely want to get to know him more and if nothing comes out of it then at least I'll have a really great friend.
Then there's the guy that I said was a really really long story, well he's an ex of mine. I still have very strong feelings for him and after we broke up we stayed really good friends, bestfriends in fact. But now we rarely talk because his life is so busy now with the military and work and things. I'm not sure he really wants to even be friends with me much anymore though so that really makes things complicated.
The other guy is nice, and I'm attracted to him but I'm not sure what he thinks about me really. I just can't put my finger on it just yet. Sometimes I get the feeling he might like me for more than a friend, then other times I get the feeling he'd just want sex, and then other times I'm just not even sure what's up. I know he needs to get his life back in order though and I respect that because I'm kinda going through that same type of thing right now.
I told my cousin Zach last night that he needs to find me a guy like him that's a little older and not related to me. LOL He did say he'd work on it though. Maybe if he did find someone it would make things easier because it would be someone new and not someone I'm already friends with or was friends with and dated.
On a different note.......I REALLY need to get back to working out again. I can't believe I let myself go for a month. I need to lose some weight and tone up my muscles. That way at least I'll good for myself if not for someone else too.
I'm hoping to have a lot of fun tomorrow with Zach, his friends, and Becca on Zach's boat. After that I plan to go hang with Tony. Maybe we'll all get together and hang out again like last night. That would be really cool. =oD
*yawn*
Well I got a whole maybe 4 hours sleep last night. Peyton got me up at 7:40 this morning and I didn't get to bed till like 2ish. Guess I was more pissed off about the whole Chasers thing than I thought. It wouldn't have pissed me off so bad if I didn't know what goes on there, I've seen on several occasions that the owner has let in underage people just because they were with regulars or were friends of the waitresses. Oh well fuck 'em because I refuse to go back there anymore. I also had some weird dreams about all of us that hung out last night so I kept waking up.
I just don't know what to do anymore or what I really want. I hate feeling lonely but yet I'm not sure I'm ready for a relationship just yet. I miss having someone to cuddle with, kiss, and stuff but I've been burned sooooooo many times I think I need more time to heal before I take a chance on possibly getting hurt again. *siiiiigh* There's a few guys I'm interested in, one I know would never do anything to hurt me intentionaly, another well that's just a really really long story, and the third well I still can't put my finger on that situation. I think I need a change of scenery for a while to clear my head but there's no way I could ever afford a vacation. Ok I have a huge headache now, too much stuff running through my brain so I'm gonna post this now.
I just don't know what to do anymore or what I really want. I hate feeling lonely but yet I'm not sure I'm ready for a relationship just yet. I miss having someone to cuddle with, kiss, and stuff but I've been burned sooooooo many times I think I need more time to heal before I take a chance on possibly getting hurt again. *siiiiigh* There's a few guys I'm interested in, one I know would never do anything to hurt me intentionaly, another well that's just a really really long story, and the third well I still can't put my finger on that situation. I think I need a change of scenery for a while to clear my head but there's no way I could ever afford a vacation. Ok I have a huge headache now, too much stuff running through my brain so I'm gonna post this now.
Time to rant again...
So it's time for me to rant some more.
Tonight my cousin Becca and I went to Chasers and well that didn't go well after the waitress decided to ask my cousin for her ID like 2 hours after we got there. Then she never said anything after that when my cousin said she didn't have her ID on her. The thing that pissed me off the most about that was that she was with me out there last week and the owner and waitress never carded her and we were there the whole night shooting pool and having a great time. But I guess it must have been their time of the month or something this week. But that's fine I'm never going out there again. I know for a fact they let underage people in there all the time and then the one time they decide to pull this shit with me and my family. It just really pisses me off. If I wanted to be a real bitch about it I could so fuck up their business but I'm not gonna even waste my time with it. Like I said they're just never going to get my business ever again. I'll go to Terry's or Shooters before I ever go back to Chasers again. That shit just totally fucked up my mood for the whole night too. I tried to have fun but it just wasn't working. After that shit happened Anthony, Tony, my cousins, and I went over to Fuzions but it was completely dead so we left and went over to Anthony's and played pool and hung out. That was fun but since my mood was already shot to hell I was kind of a bitch.
Speaking of Anthony, I'm not really sure what's up with him. He flirts with me quite a bit at times and then acts all shy or not interested and then flirts with me again. I just don't know what to think. I mean he's very good looking, he just broke up with someone so he's single again, and from what he's told me he's not ready to settle down which is all good for me because I'm not looking for anything serious I just want basically a friend with benefits for now. Oh well.
Hopefully it's not raining Saturday because Becca and I will be going out on our cousin Zach's boat with him and his friends. But if it is raining then I'm still gonna have fun and hang out with Tony at his apartment.
Well I think I'm too tired to rant anymore so I'm gonna crash and probably rant more when I get up.
Tonight my cousin Becca and I went to Chasers and well that didn't go well after the waitress decided to ask my cousin for her ID like 2 hours after we got there. Then she never said anything after that when my cousin said she didn't have her ID on her. The thing that pissed me off the most about that was that she was with me out there last week and the owner and waitress never carded her and we were there the whole night shooting pool and having a great time. But I guess it must have been their time of the month or something this week. But that's fine I'm never going out there again. I know for a fact they let underage people in there all the time and then the one time they decide to pull this shit with me and my family. It just really pisses me off. If I wanted to be a real bitch about it I could so fuck up their business but I'm not gonna even waste my time with it. Like I said they're just never going to get my business ever again. I'll go to Terry's or Shooters before I ever go back to Chasers again. That shit just totally fucked up my mood for the whole night too. I tried to have fun but it just wasn't working. After that shit happened Anthony, Tony, my cousins, and I went over to Fuzions but it was completely dead so we left and went over to Anthony's and played pool and hung out. That was fun but since my mood was already shot to hell I was kind of a bitch.
Speaking of Anthony, I'm not really sure what's up with him. He flirts with me quite a bit at times and then acts all shy or not interested and then flirts with me again. I just don't know what to think. I mean he's very good looking, he just broke up with someone so he's single again, and from what he's told me he's not ready to settle down which is all good for me because I'm not looking for anything serious I just want basically a friend with benefits for now. Oh well.
Hopefully it's not raining Saturday because Becca and I will be going out on our cousin Zach's boat with him and his friends. But if it is raining then I'm still gonna have fun and hang out with Tony at his apartment.
Well I think I'm too tired to rant anymore so I'm gonna crash and probably rant more when I get up.
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
***WARNING*** READ AT YOUR OWN RISK! NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THOSE WHO MIGHT GET PISSED OFF!
So OK...My life is really starting to piss me off lately.
I had this friend that I started to have feelings for, took a big chance and poured my heart out to him and he ripped it to shred's...Then he quit talking to me for a while due to drama in his life which seemed more like he was putting the blame on me since it was do to online people...Then out of the blue he talks to me again and expected me to think things were just dandy and all...Then when I'm being a smartass with him he gets pissed off and doesn't talk to me again for a while...This repeated itself a couple times and started to really piss me off...Now I'm not sure I really even want to talk to him anymore because I can't handle that kind of stress.
Then I have this friend, well she used to be a good friend of mine back in high school, anyway she's kinda like family to my stepdad and her daughter is basically my parents grandchild...Well she's turned into like the biggest fucking mooch I've ever know in my entire life...My parents barely get the bills paid around here and if it wasn't for me getting food stamps each month we'd be starving to death...She thinks we're lying about this apparently because she still keeps asking them to borrow money which by the way she never pays back and still owes them $300 which they'll never see again...She keeps bitching about being so broke yet she can buy her daughter a new toy every time she gets to see her and also goes and gets her nails done and fakebakes and all that crap...Well I really wish she'd just get a fucking clue and realize that the world doesn't revolve around her just because she got divorced.
Then I have this friend who I used to date and a short while after we broke up he tried to get some of his friends, which were actually my friends and he would have never met them if it wouldn't have been for me, to not like me anymore by saying I said shit that I never said...He acted like nothing ever happened and since I was desperate for more friends at the time I just put it behind me but didn't hang out with him anymore really...But now we're better friends and he still doesn't listen to me very well and one of these days I'm just gonna bitch him out and he's gonna be like where the fuck did all that come from.
Then I have these bar friends who most of them act like they all wanna get with me and the one time I bring my cousin out with me, who is definitely hotter than me but that's beside the point, they all start drooling over her and don't come talk to me because they're intimidated by her beauty which really made me feel like a fat ugly troll. I suppose we'll see what happens when I bring her out there again this week.
I know everyone has lives and all and mine is just standing still in this big black pit of misery but you'd think if they are truly my friends they'd at least help pick me up out of there if even just for a few hours but it doesn't happen much. I'm about 2 foot from the edge of an even bigger hole that's 6 feet deep and you never come back out of it. I thought the meds were helping but it seems they just keep pushing me from one extreme to the other and I don't know which end is up anymore and I'm starting to get real sick of it. I've tried dealing with the stress in the best ways I know how but it's starting to not work anymore. I'm still trying because I really don't want this getting the best of me and I made a promise to my mother the last time I attempted to end my life that I would never leave her childless.
So now you all can know just a sliver of what my pathetic life is really like and why I never let people know everything.
I had this friend that I started to have feelings for, took a big chance and poured my heart out to him and he ripped it to shred's...Then he quit talking to me for a while due to drama in his life which seemed more like he was putting the blame on me since it was do to online people...Then out of the blue he talks to me again and expected me to think things were just dandy and all...Then when I'm being a smartass with him he gets pissed off and doesn't talk to me again for a while...This repeated itself a couple times and started to really piss me off...Now I'm not sure I really even want to talk to him anymore because I can't handle that kind of stress.
Then I have this friend, well she used to be a good friend of mine back in high school, anyway she's kinda like family to my stepdad and her daughter is basically my parents grandchild...Well she's turned into like the biggest fucking mooch I've ever know in my entire life...My parents barely get the bills paid around here and if it wasn't for me getting food stamps each month we'd be starving to death...She thinks we're lying about this apparently because she still keeps asking them to borrow money which by the way she never pays back and still owes them $300 which they'll never see again...She keeps bitching about being so broke yet she can buy her daughter a new toy every time she gets to see her and also goes and gets her nails done and fakebakes and all that crap...Well I really wish she'd just get a fucking clue and realize that the world doesn't revolve around her just because she got divorced.
Then I have this friend who I used to date and a short while after we broke up he tried to get some of his friends, which were actually my friends and he would have never met them if it wouldn't have been for me, to not like me anymore by saying I said shit that I never said...He acted like nothing ever happened and since I was desperate for more friends at the time I just put it behind me but didn't hang out with him anymore really...But now we're better friends and he still doesn't listen to me very well and one of these days I'm just gonna bitch him out and he's gonna be like where the fuck did all that come from.
Then I have these bar friends who most of them act like they all wanna get with me and the one time I bring my cousin out with me, who is definitely hotter than me but that's beside the point, they all start drooling over her and don't come talk to me because they're intimidated by her beauty which really made me feel like a fat ugly troll. I suppose we'll see what happens when I bring her out there again this week.
I know everyone has lives and all and mine is just standing still in this big black pit of misery but you'd think if they are truly my friends they'd at least help pick me up out of there if even just for a few hours but it doesn't happen much. I'm about 2 foot from the edge of an even bigger hole that's 6 feet deep and you never come back out of it. I thought the meds were helping but it seems they just keep pushing me from one extreme to the other and I don't know which end is up anymore and I'm starting to get real sick of it. I've tried dealing with the stress in the best ways I know how but it's starting to not work anymore. I'm still trying because I really don't want this getting the best of me and I made a promise to my mother the last time I attempted to end my life that I would never leave her childless.
So now you all can know just a sliver of what my pathetic life is really like and why I never let people know everything.
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
blah bleh blah...
Well today's turning out to be a boring and depressing day. My shoulder has been hurting more and more now for the past week. I should go get it checked out but right now I'm too broke and next month all my money goes to getting Peyton spayed. I'm in that I'm so sick of men but I'm tired of feeling lonely and unloved mode lately. Kinda sucks. Well I think I'm gonna go turn on some music and try to clean up my room. I'll bitch more later.
Sunday, June 20, 2004
Whew...
Well I've finally got almost everything installed back on here except for like 3 programs which I have to download still. Plus my soundcard is missing a driver well actually it's my motherboard that's missing a multimedia sound driver. But hopefully our computer guy can find that for me tomorrow.
So to update on what's happened lately...
My cousin Becca and I went to Chasers Thursday night and had a pretty good time. We had our family dinner Saturday evening and then after that I went out to Coyote's in Lawrence with my cousins Becca and Sarah and Sarah's boyfriend and friends. It was an ok time but could have been a lot more fun. I think we're gonna go to Silverado's in Manhattan in a couple weekends so that will hopefully be a lot more fun. This Thursday my cousins Becca and Zach are going with me to Chasers. We'll have a good time I'm sure. Hmmm well I think that pretty much sums things up for now. If I think of anything I missed I'll add it later.
So to update on what's happened lately...
My cousin Becca and I went to Chasers Thursday night and had a pretty good time. We had our family dinner Saturday evening and then after that I went out to Coyote's in Lawrence with my cousins Becca and Sarah and Sarah's boyfriend and friends. It was an ok time but could have been a lot more fun. I think we're gonna go to Silverado's in Manhattan in a couple weekends so that will hopefully be a lot more fun. This Thursday my cousins Becca and Zach are going with me to Chasers. We'll have a good time I'm sure. Hmmm well I think that pretty much sums things up for now. If I think of anything I missed I'll add it later.
Friday, June 18, 2004
YAY!!!!!...
Well I got a new HD and we installed it today and everything is working great. I've only got the main drivers installed on it right now but later tonight I'll get my chat programs and other stuff loaded on it. I can't wait to be able to be online again with a HD that actually works correctly. :oD I also can't wait to start downloading all the music I lost again. I lost everything I had on both HD's which really pissed me off but hopefully I can get most of it back soon. Gonna go see how things are going and hopefully hook it up in my room again and get started installing stuff.
*growl* grrrrrrrr...
Well the harddrive that we had saved is now fucked up. It boots sometimes but now it freezes up after startup. I'll be offline again for a day maybe two depending on how long it takes me to install everything again onto a new one. I'm getting so fed up. I told my stepdad I just wanted to get a new harddrive but nooooo he insisted that we try to salvage the slave and now he's learned that that was a big mistake.
Thursday, June 17, 2004
Grrrrrrrr...
Well we finally got almost everything set back up on my computer and got the ethernet card working so I can get online but now it's running like an ancient hunk of junk when it's booting. It's starting to piss me off. So once again I'm on my stepdad's computer updating this. Mom and I are going to go see what kind of deal I can get on a new harddrive. Marvin also says I should look into getting a new upgraded motherboard but the one I have is a 1.2ghz so I don't think it's that far out of date yet. Plus I don't have that kind of money to get one, the new HD is going to make me broke for a couple months as it is and my parents don't have any extra money either. Anyway hopefully the new HD will solve the slow bootup problem. I'm gonna go see if my P.O.S. is up and running yet so I can get online again and get the rest of the stuff added on so I can use that HD as a backup one again.
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
Ho humm...
Well my room is completely rearranged now and I'm liking it a lot better than the way it was. I've got everything in order now. My computer is up and running. YAY! But I still can't get on the internet yet, for some reason no matter what disk I try it can't find my drivers for my ethernet card. Hopefully we'll get that fixed today. I'm hoping to get a new harddrive and then I'll use the one that's working now as a slave again. That way if I should ever lose my main HD again I'll have it all backed up on the slave. Unfortunately I lost everything I had on both harddrives =o( so I'm having to look through all my CD's to find what I can to put back on it. I'll have to download all my chat programs again but that's easy. I'll just have to ask people to resend me their pics and all that good stuff and I'll have to download all the music I lost again.
Well I've been up since 4:30am since Peyton woke me up then and I couldn't get back to sleep. I guess I'll go watch some TV or something maybe even try to go back to sleep for an hour or so if I can.
Well I've been up since 4:30am since Peyton woke me up then and I couldn't get back to sleep. I guess I'll go watch some TV or something maybe even try to go back to sleep for an hour or so if I can.
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
Must be really bored...
Well I must be really damn bored because I've been working on rearranging everything in my room today. I have a small room and tons of stuff in it so I'm trying to find a way that I like it that's gonna be most comfortable. I think when I'm finally done moving the stuff around today that I'll actually like it a lot more than the way it was. I only have one more major piece of furniture to move in my room and that's my bed, the rest is just odds and ends stuff. I'm pretty tired as it is and my feet hurt so that's why I'm taking a breaking and sitting down at my stepdad's computer. I check my emails for like the 3rd time today and so far only 4 people have replied to me. *Siiiiiiiigh* I really really really hope I can get my computer fixed. I'm starting to go insane having to use this computer. I never really knew how pampered I was with my own computer. I have a nice cordless mouse and keyboard and my computer runs much faster than this one even though they're almost the same thing. Well back to "work" on my room.
my life sucks...
Well it doesn't look like I'm gonna get my computer back up and running for a while now. Our friend Marvin is going to get me a new tower case and he thinks he might be able to restore my harddrives. I really hope we can get it all fixed. I'll be losing almost everything on there except what I can download again or what I happen to have backed up.
Well I'm gonna go watch some TV now since I don't have anything else to do.
Well I'm gonna go watch some TV now since I don't have anything else to do.
Monday, June 14, 2004
BOOM, BIG BIG BOOM!
Well fuck me sideways till Sunday... As we look further into this computer problem it appears it fried almost everything. Both harddrives won't recognize in my stepdad's computer and his harddrive wouldn't recognize in mine so it looks like not only did the power supply go but both harddrives and probably my whole damn motherboard too. Anyone wanna help out a very poor young lady and donate some computer parts that actually work??? Heh! So as it stands now I won't be on any chat programs anytime soon. Hope you all enjoy this time off from me. Gonna go eat dinner and sulk some more.
BOOM, BIG BOOM!!!
Well come to find out it wasn't just the power supply that blew up, it also wiped out my entire main harddrive. I was performing the defragmentation of both drives and apparently it was still defraging the main harddrive when the power supply blew up. So I'm having to format my slave harddrive and hopefully we can still save what was the main one and use it for a slave. *crosses her fingers and prays that this all works out*
To top that all off I had to deal with my annoying ass spoiled brat of a niece today. Thank God mom and I had to leave this afternoon for her doctor appointment and to get gas for the lawnmower and run another errand. I was about ready to kill that child. She kept ringing the damn doorbell like 15 times in a row which was driving the dogs nuts and making them bark their heads off. Then she was wanting to chase them around and Peyton doesn't like kids as it is since she was abused by a little kid before I got her. After that she didn't wanna listen to or obey my mom so I of course had to step in and yell at her to stop what she was doing and start listening to "nanna" or I was going to spank her ass. That child needs some major discipline in her life. Just because her parents got divorced is not a reason to let her run their lives and do as she pleases and boss people around like she does now.
Welp I'm gonna go check on the process of my computer now. Hopefully we'll have it running tonight.
To top that all off I had to deal with my annoying ass spoiled brat of a niece today. Thank God mom and I had to leave this afternoon for her doctor appointment and to get gas for the lawnmower and run another errand. I was about ready to kill that child. She kept ringing the damn doorbell like 15 times in a row which was driving the dogs nuts and making them bark their heads off. Then she was wanting to chase them around and Peyton doesn't like kids as it is since she was abused by a little kid before I got her. After that she didn't wanna listen to or obey my mom so I of course had to step in and yell at her to stop what she was doing and start listening to "nanna" or I was going to spank her ass. That child needs some major discipline in her life. Just because her parents got divorced is not a reason to let her run their lives and do as she pleases and boss people around like she does now.
Welp I'm gonna go check on the process of my computer now. Hopefully we'll have it running tonight.
Bing, Bang, BOOM!
Well this fucking sucks ass...My computer blew up last night. At about 3:45am I heard a rattle type noise and then a loud pop and I about sat straight up in bed. It even scared my puppy. I got out of bed to see what happened and found out that my computer was dead. I felt around on the back of it and the area where the power supply is was very hot and nothing else was so I'm assuming it's just the power supply that blew. I hope to have it back up and running soon, I think we have an extra power supply around here somewhere. I hate using my stepdad's computer because his keyboard is so old, loud, and annoying plus he's got so much crap on this thing it runs slow and it's about the same computer as mine. I'll be checking my emails several times a day so I can keep in touch with everyone. I'll also keep people informed of the situation on here. If anything new developes I'll let you know. For now I'll just have to go through withdrawls from my computer.
Sunday, June 13, 2004
Bleh...
So today was boring as hell. I mowed the fenced in part of the back yard today. Other than that I sat around most of the day staring at the computer screen and kinda chatting a bit. Oh and I also went to Kohl's and got 3 pairs of shorts, went to Target and got 1 pair of shorts and a new little purse. Ben called me while I was shopping which was a nice surprise. He told me to email him when I got home from shopping but he hasn't emailed me back or called. Wonder if his boys got too rowdy and he had to bust their asses. LOL Ahhh the joys of NOT having kids. Heehee!
Man I've been so bummed out and hungry this weekend. Today alone I've had 3 donuts, 3 pieces of pizza, a fudge bar, a few pieces of cantaloupe and honey dew melon, and a plum...plus 2 big glasses of juice, and 2 cans of pop. *oink, oink...moo, moo*
Ok time for my pet peeve part... Wtf is with all these people who never smoke pot in their life until they like turned 20 or 21 and now they think it's just all the rage and that they should do it every damn day and talk about it that often too. Dudes I did it back in high school, it was boring as hell, get over it!!! This isn't the fucking 60's man. Granted maybe it's a good way to relieve some stress from everyday life but only if your life is like stressful as hell. Use some common sense and moderation people! I am sooooo sick of hearing about pot every god forsaken day. Can all you pot smokers please talk about something else for a change??? I don't care if your momma smoked pot while she was pregnant with you and you've been smoking it since you first figured out how, just talk about something else for a change. It's 4:20 do you know where your brain is??? Probably higher than the moon right now. ...Ok I think I'm done with my rant for now.
Well I'm still bored as hell so I guess I'll go see what lame ass shows are on TV.
Man I've been so bummed out and hungry this weekend. Today alone I've had 3 donuts, 3 pieces of pizza, a fudge bar, a few pieces of cantaloupe and honey dew melon, and a plum...plus 2 big glasses of juice, and 2 cans of pop. *oink, oink...moo, moo*
Ok time for my pet peeve part... Wtf is with all these people who never smoke pot in their life until they like turned 20 or 21 and now they think it's just all the rage and that they should do it every damn day and talk about it that often too. Dudes I did it back in high school, it was boring as hell, get over it!!! This isn't the fucking 60's man. Granted maybe it's a good way to relieve some stress from everyday life but only if your life is like stressful as hell. Use some common sense and moderation people! I am sooooo sick of hearing about pot every god forsaken day. Can all you pot smokers please talk about something else for a change??? I don't care if your momma smoked pot while she was pregnant with you and you've been smoking it since you first figured out how, just talk about something else for a change. It's 4:20 do you know where your brain is??? Probably higher than the moon right now. ...Ok I think I'm done with my rant for now.
Well I'm still bored as hell so I guess I'll go see what lame ass shows are on TV.
Saturday, June 12, 2004
Well I was wrong on the date of my family dinner in Lyndon, it's actually next saturday. Oh well.
Mom and I went shopping again today but my goal was to get tank tops and shorts that fit for a cheap price. Well that didn't happen so I guess I'll just have to stick with my old tank tops and hope they fit ok still since I've gained weight since last summer. I'll also have to just wear jeans since I don't have any shorts that fit anymore.
We also went to get groceries....MMMMmmmm fudge bars and they're 98% fat free so they're not too bad for me. heehee We also got some icee pops, plums, cantalope, and honey dew melon, so I'm set for some summer food. Never shop when you're craving certain foods, LOL.
My cousin Becca is going with me Thursday night to Chasers. We're gonna have fun checking out the hotties, playing pool, and hanging out with my friends.
Not much else to report except I'm bored now and will probably end up sitting at home alone all night.
Mom and I went shopping again today but my goal was to get tank tops and shorts that fit for a cheap price. Well that didn't happen so I guess I'll just have to stick with my old tank tops and hope they fit ok still since I've gained weight since last summer. I'll also have to just wear jeans since I don't have any shorts that fit anymore.
We also went to get groceries....MMMMmmmm fudge bars and they're 98% fat free so they're not too bad for me. heehee We also got some icee pops, plums, cantalope, and honey dew melon, so I'm set for some summer food. Never shop when you're craving certain foods, LOL.
My cousin Becca is going with me Thursday night to Chasers. We're gonna have fun checking out the hotties, playing pool, and hanging out with my friends.
Not much else to report except I'm bored now and will probably end up sitting at home alone all night.
Friday, June 11, 2004
Still bored...
Well everything is ok with mom, they gave her a perscription to help with the dizziness.
MMMMMmmmmmmmmm......We had chinese food for dinner tonight. I haven't had chinese since like around christmas time last year I think. It was really good too.
Sunday I'm going to make myself start my exercise/workout stuff again since I've been so lazy the last 2 weeks. I really need to get into shape and work for a flatter stomach.
Not much else to report or bitch about right now. Maybe I'll have something more exciting tomorrow. I've got a family dinner tomorrow in Lyndon so that should be fun because I'll get to hang out with my 2 favorite cousins Becca and Zach. I'll probably take my digital camera with me and get some new pics of our family.
Well I think I'm gonna go back outside where it's warmer than my room because I'm freezing my tits off.
MMMMMmmmmmmmmm......We had chinese food for dinner tonight. I haven't had chinese since like around christmas time last year I think. It was really good too.
Sunday I'm going to make myself start my exercise/workout stuff again since I've been so lazy the last 2 weeks. I really need to get into shape and work for a flatter stomach.
Not much else to report or bitch about right now. Maybe I'll have something more exciting tomorrow. I've got a family dinner tomorrow in Lyndon so that should be fun because I'll get to hang out with my 2 favorite cousins Becca and Zach. I'll probably take my digital camera with me and get some new pics of our family.
Well I think I'm gonna go back outside where it's warmer than my room because I'm freezing my tits off.
Bored...
Man I feel like a porky today. I ate 2 big donuts for brunch and I'm trying to diet. Oh well I just won't eat lunch and I'll have a light dinner.
I'm checking out all the Josh Groban song I downloaded to make sure they're all good quality. Then I'm gonna make a couple CD's for my best friend Autumn since she loves his music so much. I like him too, he's got and awesome voice but I suppose if you don't like any kind of classical/opera music then you wouldn't like him.
I'm cold today for some reason and I know it's not cold outside. Maybe I just need to get up and move around some more again. Sitting at this computer always makes me feel colder.
I had an interesting dream about some of my friends from Chasers last night. It was kinda weird but still a good dream.
I gotta take mom to the doctor today again to see what's causing her dizziness still. Then we're gonna go to Target. So I guess I'm gonna go take a bath and get dressed now.
I'm checking out all the Josh Groban song I downloaded to make sure they're all good quality. Then I'm gonna make a couple CD's for my best friend Autumn since she loves his music so much. I like him too, he's got and awesome voice but I suppose if you don't like any kind of classical/opera music then you wouldn't like him.
I'm cold today for some reason and I know it's not cold outside. Maybe I just need to get up and move around some more again. Sitting at this computer always makes me feel colder.
I had an interesting dream about some of my friends from Chasers last night. It was kinda weird but still a good dream.
I gotta take mom to the doctor today again to see what's causing her dizziness still. Then we're gonna go to Target. So I guess I'm gonna go take a bath and get dressed now.
weeeeeeeeeee.............
Well I had fun at Chasers. Nate, Anthony, Dave, and Johnny were there and a few others. Oh, Scott and Linden were there too but they didn't really talk to me except for saying hi and how ya doing as they were leaving, then they came back and Scott said hi and they sat at the bar next to me watching tv then left again without even saying bye. That's ok, I didn't go out there for them anyway. I'm starting to get better at playing pool at least. I'll probably go hang with everyone again next Thursday night.
Tony called me on his way to Chasers after a wedding rehersal dinner he had to work but I was already home since my eyes were killing me from all the smoke. My throat was hurting when I left too from the smoke I guess. Thank God for Tylenol Sore Throat medicine. LOL
I told Paul (my lil bro) that he has till November 14th to find me a really good man that'll treat me right and take good care of me. LOL I figure if I'm still single on November 15th when I turn 30 then I might as well just fucking stay single.
Well I guess I'm gonna go crash now, getting a bit sleepy.
Tony called me on his way to Chasers after a wedding rehersal dinner he had to work but I was already home since my eyes were killing me from all the smoke. My throat was hurting when I left too from the smoke I guess. Thank God for Tylenol Sore Throat medicine. LOL
I told Paul (my lil bro) that he has till November 14th to find me a really good man that'll treat me right and take good care of me. LOL I figure if I'm still single on November 15th when I turn 30 then I might as well just fucking stay single.
Well I guess I'm gonna go crash now, getting a bit sleepy.
Thursday, June 10, 2004
*UGH*
Man I'm already getting sooooooooo sick of this rain. It's driving me more insane than I already am.
***Listening to Vertical Horizon - I'm Still Here right now***
Well mom's gonna color my hair today and hopefully this should bring it to my natural blonde color. (crosses her fingers) If it looks decent I'll have mom take a new pic after I style it.
Man I can't wait to get out tonight. I really need this time out with friends and being able to knock some balls around might help relieve some of my aggression and stress.
***Listening to Breaking Benjamin - Medicate right now***
I'm really beginning to like venting on this thing. It's really starting to help so I don't keep everything bottled up inside anymore. Other than that I really need a nice long vacation to relax and clear my head. But I guess this will have to do for now since I'll never be able to afford a vacation.
***Listening to Incubus - I Miss You right now*** "you do something to me that i can't explain so would i be out of line if i said i miss you"
Hmmmm...I really need to do laundry today, I don't have any clean jeans to wear tonight. I guess I should go do that then and quit writing on this thing.
***Listening to Vertical Horizon - I'm Still Here right now***
Well mom's gonna color my hair today and hopefully this should bring it to my natural blonde color. (crosses her fingers) If it looks decent I'll have mom take a new pic after I style it.
Man I can't wait to get out tonight. I really need this time out with friends and being able to knock some balls around might help relieve some of my aggression and stress.
***Listening to Breaking Benjamin - Medicate right now***
I'm really beginning to like venting on this thing. It's really starting to help so I don't keep everything bottled up inside anymore. Other than that I really need a nice long vacation to relax and clear my head. But I guess this will have to do for now since I'll never be able to afford a vacation.
***Listening to Incubus - I Miss You right now*** "you do something to me that i can't explain so would i be out of line if i said i miss you"
Hmmmm...I really need to do laundry today, I don't have any clean jeans to wear tonight. I guess I should go do that then and quit writing on this thing.
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
*siiiiiigh* I'm not really sure what to do anymore. My mind keeps racing with thoughts and I'm trying to keep up with them all but it's impossible.
I've been think a lot about my ex-bf Scott (who lives in Wichita) lately and I just wish I could get over it but for some reason my mind/heart won't let me. We're still kinda friends but we don't really talk much anymore since he's so busy with his job and the air national guard and whatever else. Maybe that's why I think about him so much because we never get to talk like friends normally do anymore.
***Listening to Evanescence - Going Under right now***
I've been trying to get out more and make more friends but so far I've only made one new friend who actually cares about me and enjoys talking to me. His name is Tony. He's pretty cool, plays pool at Chasers. He's a nice guy, someone I know I can trust and I like talking to him, he's been a pretty good friend lately.
I had another new friend named Scott but he's got too much drama in his life right now so I got pushed to the side. Actually to tell the truth I don't think he really wants to be friends with me anymore. He hasn't talked to me since we played pool at Chasers on Friday, which I had to leave kinda early due to a migrane which really sucked. Oh well, his loss I say.
***Listening to Alanis Morrissette - Ironic right now***
I've made a few more new chat friends. They're pretty cool. It's nice having fresh people to talk to that actually like chatting with me about other things than sex and nude pics and crap like that.
I didn't get much done today, was kinda too tired and bummed out. Still pretty bummed out but oh well life goes on right.
Well I'm definately going to Chasers tomorrow night, after all this crap I really need a night out with some of my friends out there. The whole gang that I hung out with on Thursday night should all be out there. I'll definately play some pool, probably with Nate after league is done or maybe even during if there's a table open just so he can get some practice in if he wants to.
***Listening to Disturbed - Believe right now***
I've been think a lot about my ex-bf Scott (who lives in Wichita) lately and I just wish I could get over it but for some reason my mind/heart won't let me. We're still kinda friends but we don't really talk much anymore since he's so busy with his job and the air national guard and whatever else. Maybe that's why I think about him so much because we never get to talk like friends normally do anymore.
***Listening to Evanescence - Going Under right now***
I've been trying to get out more and make more friends but so far I've only made one new friend who actually cares about me and enjoys talking to me. His name is Tony. He's pretty cool, plays pool at Chasers. He's a nice guy, someone I know I can trust and I like talking to him, he's been a pretty good friend lately.
I had another new friend named Scott but he's got too much drama in his life right now so I got pushed to the side. Actually to tell the truth I don't think he really wants to be friends with me anymore. He hasn't talked to me since we played pool at Chasers on Friday, which I had to leave kinda early due to a migrane which really sucked. Oh well, his loss I say.
***Listening to Alanis Morrissette - Ironic right now***
I've made a few more new chat friends. They're pretty cool. It's nice having fresh people to talk to that actually like chatting with me about other things than sex and nude pics and crap like that.
I didn't get much done today, was kinda too tired and bummed out. Still pretty bummed out but oh well life goes on right.
Well I'm definately going to Chasers tomorrow night, after all this crap I really need a night out with some of my friends out there. The whole gang that I hung out with on Thursday night should all be out there. I'll definately play some pool, probably with Nate after league is done or maybe even during if there's a table open just so he can get some practice in if he wants to.
***Listening to Disturbed - Believe right now***
Rain rain go away....
Man this sucks. I hate the rain and it's gonna be like this pretty much all week and weekend.
Peyton's gonna be a pain in the ass all week now because she gets so hyper and awnry when she gets wet and you have to dry her off. Plus she's figured out 2 ways to get up on my bed now and thinks she should be up there. She doesn't do it though when I'm sleeping on the bed which is good or she'd be jumping right in the middle of me. It is starting to piss me off though because I really don't want her sleeping on my bed.
***Listening to Maroon 5 - Sunday Morning right now***
Well I'm definately going to Chasers tomorrow night, I'll probably head out there around 7pm after I eat. It should be entertaining at the least and maybe I'll even play some pool when league is done.
I'm really gonna be bored today. I wish someone could come visit me and keep me company but all my friends are either in class or at work or just too busy.
***Listening to 3 Doors Down - So I Need You right now***
No one is chatting on IRC right now, I'm bored. Hmmmmm...I guess I'll go download some more MP3s. I've still got a pretty good list to try to find stuff from. I'm up to 3,372 MP3s right now but by the time I get this list finished I'll probably have more than 3,500.
***Listening to Something Corporate - Break Myself right now***
(yawn) Welp I guess I'll post this now.
Peyton's gonna be a pain in the ass all week now because she gets so hyper and awnry when she gets wet and you have to dry her off. Plus she's figured out 2 ways to get up on my bed now and thinks she should be up there. She doesn't do it though when I'm sleeping on the bed which is good or she'd be jumping right in the middle of me. It is starting to piss me off though because I really don't want her sleeping on my bed.
***Listening to Maroon 5 - Sunday Morning right now***
Well I'm definately going to Chasers tomorrow night, I'll probably head out there around 7pm after I eat. It should be entertaining at the least and maybe I'll even play some pool when league is done.
I'm really gonna be bored today. I wish someone could come visit me and keep me company but all my friends are either in class or at work or just too busy.
***Listening to 3 Doors Down - So I Need You right now***
No one is chatting on IRC right now, I'm bored. Hmmmmm...I guess I'll go download some more MP3s. I've still got a pretty good list to try to find stuff from. I'm up to 3,372 MP3s right now but by the time I get this list finished I'll probably have more than 3,500.
***Listening to Something Corporate - Break Myself right now***
(yawn) Welp I guess I'll post this now.
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
Blah...
Well I think it's gonna start raining here in a bit which means I can't go out and enjoy the nice day and fresh air. Oh well.
... Mmmmmmmmm my comforter still smells a little like Brian's cologne. I know he's just a good friend but damn he smells good. heehee I had an interesting dream about him last night though, not sure what to think about that. ...
Guess it'll be a good day to try to do some writting or maybe download more mp3's. Not really sure what else to do, I'm broke, don't have much of a life, and almost all my friends are way too busy for me anyway so here at home I sit.
I know I bitch quite a lot about guys on this thing but it's just cuz I don't understand them anymore like I used to. Maybe I'm just getting too old. After all I'll be the big 3-0 in November. I'm so tired of getting fucked over, I'm too nice and easy going of a person.
I need to get a backbone again like I used to have in high school. Back then there wasn't anything anyone could do to hurt me because I just sluffed it off and went on about my buisness and having fun. I partied a lot back then so I met lots of people and got around a bit and learned how to be thick skinned, but part of that thick skin also came from dealing with my asshole of a father. I blame him most for my shitty childhood and how I am now. He was always an asshole and made it very clear to me at a very early age that I was supposed to be a boy and not a girl because he wanted a son. Not to mention he passed on his Manic-Depressive gene to me. Oh well...Life goes on.
Well I guess I'll shut up now, probably enough bitching for you all to read today.
... Mmmmmmmmm my comforter still smells a little like Brian's cologne. I know he's just a good friend but damn he smells good. heehee I had an interesting dream about him last night though, not sure what to think about that. ...
Guess it'll be a good day to try to do some writting or maybe download more mp3's. Not really sure what else to do, I'm broke, don't have much of a life, and almost all my friends are way too busy for me anyway so here at home I sit.
I know I bitch quite a lot about guys on this thing but it's just cuz I don't understand them anymore like I used to. Maybe I'm just getting too old. After all I'll be the big 3-0 in November. I'm so tired of getting fucked over, I'm too nice and easy going of a person.
I need to get a backbone again like I used to have in high school. Back then there wasn't anything anyone could do to hurt me because I just sluffed it off and went on about my buisness and having fun. I partied a lot back then so I met lots of people and got around a bit and learned how to be thick skinned, but part of that thick skin also came from dealing with my asshole of a father. I blame him most for my shitty childhood and how I am now. He was always an asshole and made it very clear to me at a very early age that I was supposed to be a boy and not a girl because he wanted a son. Not to mention he passed on his Manic-Depressive gene to me. Oh well...Life goes on.
Well I guess I'll shut up now, probably enough bitching for you all to read today.
Monday, June 07, 2004
Relaxing...
Welp I got to hang out today with my friend Brian. I hadn't seen him for like 2 years. It was really nice spending time with him just relaxing, talking, listening to music, and hanging out. I miss being able to do that with my friends. Everyone is just so busy anymore that I almost never get to see them or talk to them. Hopefully Brian can come hang out with me again sometime soon. I'll probably be going to Chasers Thursday night to hang with some friends out there in the pool league. It'll be nice to see some of them again, it's been a couple months other than when I went out there last Thursday.
Monday, June 07, 2004
Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh...
Well I'm kinda in a blah mood, have been for the last few days. Mostly has to do with a guy but oh well I'll get over it. Just gotta get out more and hang with my friends. I'm not sure what else to do. I really wish guys came with instruction manuals so women wouldn't have to keep guessing at everything. I mean a guy wouldn't know a good woman if she was standing naked in front of him...He'd just be thinking damn I'm gonna get lucky! I know women go for the bad guys too normally but I myself really want a down to earth good guy that I find attractive and have a few things in common with...I didn't know that was so much to ask for but apparently it is. Oh well! I'm just not even going to get interested in any guys for a very long time unless by some miracle the right one actually does come along, then I'll never let him go unless he really wants to leave me like the rest of the guys do. Welp I'm gonna stop now before I make myself feel even worse.
4:14 PM
Saturday, May 29, 2004
What's up with guys lately?
So what's up with guys lately? I mean it seems what you think is this nice, easy going, good guy and is interested in you is only out for either cam-sex or nude pics. Is that all you guys can think about is who's pants you can get into next??? I mean really do I look that desperate for attention? Because I've got news for ya, I'm not! I just want some chat friends really. I have no desire to get into anything sexual with anyone or even relationship wise for that matter. I just got out of a long distance, long term relationship and I'm not looking for anything at all right now. I need to clear my head and get my life back in order before I even think about anything like that. So guys the next time you're looking for a piece of ass or some nude pics, think twice about your approach, and just for future reference don't ask me for any of it because you'll get a big "FUCK OFF!" from me.
8:01 PM
Friday, May 28, 2004
Never appreciated...
I swear I do so much for some people and I never get a simple "Thank you" or anything. I'm always trying to help people out when I can and it seems to go unnoticed or unappreciated. Not only that but where are those people I did things for when I need them most, certainly not here helping me out that's for sure. Ya know I think there's too many selfish people in this world. When will they learn that the world does not revolve around them??? Someday this little thing called Karma is gonna turn around and bite them in the ass and then they'll realize what a fucking ass they've been to those that were always there for them when they needed them the most. ...
On to a different note...I've been trying to improve myself, trying to eat better and workout more and stay of this damn computer a bit more each day. It's been hard but I'm getting in the hang of it now and I kinda like having more of a life than just this monitor, keyboard, and mouse. Someday maybe I'll even have a nicer body to show for it, but that's just for my own benefit because I only care what I think I look like.
8:05 PM
Thursday, May 27, 2004
Grand Central Station...
Man yesterday was nuts around here...I bet we had like 15 people calling to have windows replaced in their vehicles and estimates on bodywork from the hail damage on sunday night....My stepdad does paint and bodywork incase you all are wondering why we'd get those kinds of calls LOL...I was soooo tempted to answer the phone and say "Grand Central Station, how may I direct your call"...but instead I just turned my music up to drown out the noise... On to another subject...I find it kinda funny that when you're trying to stay single it becomes harder because more people start flirting with you...Not that it's a bad thing or anything like that but just funny and interesting to me...I love to flirt as much as the next person but with the way things have been in my life lately I'm kinda hesitant to because I don't wanna lead people to thinking the wrong thing and I don't want to be lead to think the wrong thing either...I'm just trying to pick up the pieces in my life and figure myself and other things out again...It's not an easy task I can tell you that much...Well I think I've said enough for now, if I think of anything more to add I'll post it later.
10:44 AM
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
New to this...
Hmmmmm.....Well I've never been one to keep an online journal but maybe it would be a good thing to start so I don't bottle everything up......Although I'm not sure people will want to read it much because it would be mostly me bitching about my scewed up life and I think you all would get tired of reading that......Hmmmmmm.......Oh well I'm not really here to impress people just to make some new chat friends mostly. Heehee =D
12:34 PM
Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh...
Well I'm kinda in a blah mood, have been for the last few days. Mostly has to do with a guy but oh well I'll get over it. Just gotta get out more and hang with my friends. I'm not sure what else to do. I really wish guys came with instruction manuals so women wouldn't have to keep guessing at everything. I mean a guy wouldn't know a good woman if she was standing naked in front of him...He'd just be thinking damn I'm gonna get lucky! I know women go for the bad guys too normally but I myself really want a down to earth good guy that I find attractive and have a few things in common with...I didn't know that was so much to ask for but apparently it is. Oh well! I'm just not even going to get interested in any guys for a very long time unless by some miracle the right one actually does come along, then I'll never let him go unless he really wants to leave me like the rest of the guys do. Welp I'm gonna stop now before I make myself feel even worse.
4:14 PM
Saturday, May 29, 2004
What's up with guys lately?
So what's up with guys lately? I mean it seems what you think is this nice, easy going, good guy and is interested in you is only out for either cam-sex or nude pics. Is that all you guys can think about is who's pants you can get into next??? I mean really do I look that desperate for attention? Because I've got news for ya, I'm not! I just want some chat friends really. I have no desire to get into anything sexual with anyone or even relationship wise for that matter. I just got out of a long distance, long term relationship and I'm not looking for anything at all right now. I need to clear my head and get my life back in order before I even think about anything like that. So guys the next time you're looking for a piece of ass or some nude pics, think twice about your approach, and just for future reference don't ask me for any of it because you'll get a big "FUCK OFF!" from me.
8:01 PM
Friday, May 28, 2004
Never appreciated...
I swear I do so much for some people and I never get a simple "Thank you" or anything. I'm always trying to help people out when I can and it seems to go unnoticed or unappreciated. Not only that but where are those people I did things for when I need them most, certainly not here helping me out that's for sure. Ya know I think there's too many selfish people in this world. When will they learn that the world does not revolve around them??? Someday this little thing called Karma is gonna turn around and bite them in the ass and then they'll realize what a fucking ass they've been to those that were always there for them when they needed them the most. ...
On to a different note...I've been trying to improve myself, trying to eat better and workout more and stay of this damn computer a bit more each day. It's been hard but I'm getting in the hang of it now and I kinda like having more of a life than just this monitor, keyboard, and mouse. Someday maybe I'll even have a nicer body to show for it, but that's just for my own benefit because I only care what I think I look like.
8:05 PM
Thursday, May 27, 2004
Grand Central Station...
Man yesterday was nuts around here...I bet we had like 15 people calling to have windows replaced in their vehicles and estimates on bodywork from the hail damage on sunday night....My stepdad does paint and bodywork incase you all are wondering why we'd get those kinds of calls LOL...I was soooo tempted to answer the phone and say "Grand Central Station, how may I direct your call"...but instead I just turned my music up to drown out the noise... On to another subject...I find it kinda funny that when you're trying to stay single it becomes harder because more people start flirting with you...Not that it's a bad thing or anything like that but just funny and interesting to me...I love to flirt as much as the next person but with the way things have been in my life lately I'm kinda hesitant to because I don't wanna lead people to thinking the wrong thing and I don't want to be lead to think the wrong thing either...I'm just trying to pick up the pieces in my life and figure myself and other things out again...It's not an easy task I can tell you that much...Well I think I've said enough for now, if I think of anything more to add I'll post it later.
10:44 AM
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
New to this...
Hmmmmm.....Well I've never been one to keep an online journal but maybe it would be a good thing to start so I don't bottle everything up......Although I'm not sure people will want to read it much because it would be mostly me bitching about my scewed up life and I think you all would get tired of reading that......Hmmmmmm.......Oh well I'm not really here to impress people just to make some new chat friends mostly. Heehee =D
12:34 PM
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