The Complexity That Is Me...

So here I am yet again trying to decide what to do in my life, where I want it to go, who I want to be a part of it, and trying to figure out why I seem to keep repeating the same mistakes, and when will things go right for me for a change.
 
Some of you might think that I think way too much, and well maybe that is true but that’s just how I have always been and I don’t see that ever changing.  I can see why people think this and why it concerns them because since I tend to think so much I also tend to worry about things more and stress out even more as a result of it all.  I get frustrated with things very easily and lack the patience that is needed to just deal with everyday life.
 
I’m not sure how I can explain the complexity that is me.  Okay maybe I’m not really that complex but I know I’m a strange and unique individual, some people may have some similar qualities as me but none are exactly like me or ever will be.  So to try to explain how my mind works is a hard thing to do.  People have gut instincts or use rationalization in their thinking and such, but for me sometimes it’s just something I know, can’t explain how or why I do but I just do.  It’s not quite a psychic ability really, at least I don’t see it that way, I just have this strange ability to be able to read a person and a situation and can usually “predict” how it will work or turn out.  But all this seems to only work for everyone but me, I can’t seem to “predict” what is going to happen with me, or how things with play out in my own life.  This makes it even more frustrating to me because even when I do think I might have that feeling deep in my gut about something or someone it’s usually too late by then for me to do anything about it.  I suck at doing the right thing in my life I guess and that’s the most frustrating thing of all.  Lots of times all the gut instincts, rational thinking, people and situation reading just doesn’t work for me so I end up hurt and miserable and not knowing what could have been done to prevent it.
 
I know life isn’t easy for everyone, and it’s never been easy for me, never will be either.  We all have our ups and downs, and some like me have had more downs than ups but we all get through it in our own ways.  My way is just trying to be able to go a whole day without feeling like I want to cry for hours when things aren’t going good for me.  I try to just ignore what I’m feeling a lot of the time and stick my head into reading, or watching tv, or listening to music and pretend I have this great life that I will never have.
 
I’m not saying that God dealt me the worst hand of cards ever but maybe not the greatest one and it’s hard to know what I need to do with them to be able to come out on top or at least break even in this game of life.
 
So here I am 36 years old and still trying to ponder the meaning of life.  Well maybe not so much the meaning of life itself, but the meaning of my life is probably more accurate.  I don’t know what my life means in this world, what I’m supposed to be doing with it, if I’m already doing what I’m supposed to be doing or all I can be doing, who is meant to be in my life or if I’m missing some people that are key players in it.  Will I ever feel fulfilled in my life?  Will I ever find that one man I’m meant to spend the rest of my life with?  Will I ever get married?  What is in store for me in the future, and will it make me happy finally?  There’s just way too many questions to ever find all the answers to and I can’t keep going on driving myself crazier trying to figure out what I’ll probably never be able to.  Plain and simple, I’m completely lost in my life and don’t know what to do.

Entry for June 07, 2011

So let's see...Went to do some clean up work at what I call my rental property (Dad's old house) last Friday.  Had Nate meet us there so he could check things out and get an idea of what needs to be fixed right away before moving in and what can be worked on afterward in August or so.
On Saturday Mom, Monte and I went to Clinton, MO for Monte's Aunt and Uncle's 50th wedding anniversary party.  It was nice, nothing too big or formal or anything, but tasteful.  I however was pretty exhausted after driving there and back and being up earlier than I'm used to.
Today I went over and cleaned some more, swept out most of the rooms, cleaned a little in the kitchen and got the trash out of the house.  Robert met me over there today after he got off work and got the trash and crappy recliner sofa he had left moved out to the end of the driveway.  I'm going to try to go back over Thursday to do some more cleaning and maybe see what I can get out of the attic that the jackasses that lived there before Robert had left.  If I can't get it all then I'll probably go back Friday.  Trying to do it on days that aren't over 95 degrees which makes it hard now.  I think that pretty much covers everything for now so with that I'll end this and post it.  TTFN!